Help I don’t know how much more I can keep doing this

[toxicjester]

I don't know

I keep having to push back my appointments to get blood tests done for HRT because shit keeps happening day of and I'm late or some other stuff. Today I'm up at a reasonable time but my gf woke up earlier than I did and looked at pictures of trans girls who transitions went better than hers did

I keep trying to tell her that her transition is still ongoing, that she doesn't have to necessarily be happy with what she has but at least keep going since she isn't stagnating, but she says otherwise.

She's talked a lot about wanting to ctb because of this. She's attempted to ctb (although this was before we were together) because of this. And when our conversations have gotten bad she's let slip that she has a plan, although(understandably) wouldn't tell me more than that.

I don't know what to do. I want to be happy. But I want to be happy with her. Recently though it feels like I'm just mostly on edge when I'm with her, my anxiety has gotten significantly worse, heart feels it's pounding and my hands and feet get clammy.

Part of me wants to break up, partly because I feel like I'm holding her back, but maybe partly because I'm selfish and I just can't ever help her when she's upset.

I don't want her to ctb, maybe that's really hypocritical considering. But part of me still thinks her life can be good, that she can see the beauty in her body, even if it's not a "typical" cis woman's body. I don't know

What am I supposed to do? Is there something I'm missing? Something I could say that'd help her with this significantly?

Part of me is asking for help for this, I cry for help if you will. Please

 

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I would try to shift away from the idea of "helping" her and keep more towards just "supporting" her, sort of like you would do with somebody who has a life-threatening physical illness.

What does that look like? Really, it's just being "there" for her -- your very presence is a support in and of itself. Saying "I'm sorry you're having a rough time" (just validating her suffering) without attempting to advise or fix. Asking her if she wants feedback or if she's just needing a listening ear. Offering to be there for her and to support her any time she seeks out professional help. Or just asking her what she needs from you.

Part of this would be somewhat of a passive acceptance that she might die and that it's something that could happen without notice.

You are in an extraordinarily difficult spot with this. Is there anyone else in your life you can lean on for support (for yourself)? A friend or a family member? Maybe you're already doing this, but if not, I hope there's somebody you can reach out to who can help support you and be a source of strength for you, because this is a lot to take on all by yourself.

 

[toxicjester]

I would try to shift away from the idea of "helping" her and keep more towards just "supporting" her, sort of like you would do with somebody who has a life-threatening physical illness.

What does that look like? Really, it's just being "there" for her -- your very presence is a support in and of itself. Saying "I'm sorry you're having a rough time" (just validating her suffering) without attempting to advise or fix. Asking her if she wants feedback or if she's just needing a listening ear. Offering to be there for her and to support her any time she seeks out professional help. Or just asking her what she needs from you.

Part of this would be somewhat of a passive acceptance that she might die and that it's something that could happen without notice.

You are in an extraordinarily difficult spot with this. Is there anyone else in your life you can lean on for support (for yourself)? A friend or a family member? Maybe you're already doing this, but if not, I hope there's somebody you can reach out to who can help support you and be a source of strength for you, because this is a lot to take on all by yourself.

Thank you for your words, I really appreciate them

Being there for her a lot of the time just isn't enough unfortunately. It feels like I've tried that before and she just says I'm not comforting her at all, which is fair cause I'm not good at it, but in instances like that what can be comforting? When I try to direct her to just do something fun or relaxing she says I'm just "trying to get to the good part" without any of the work. And that she can't enjoy anything because of her issues.

I don't really have anyone else. I only have like one "friend" but it's v surface to mid level friendship, nothing deeper like this stuff. For the longest time I'd vent to my siblings but now they all hate her even tho she's done nothing wrong so I don't want to add to that so I've mostly stopped talking to them about it. I'm by myself in this essentially. My gf is my one support but since I never even help her I've struggled recently to ask her to do the same for me.

 

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@toxicjester I'd look around online (Reddit, maybe) for stories from other people who are in similar situations as you. Basically, how are other people supporting (and coping with) their partners who are extremely depressed or suicidal? What are they doing to get through it and keep at it? From them, maybe you'd find tips that are more helpful or specifically relatable to you. It could also be of some benefit just to hear from other people who have been through the same thing and maybe make you feel more confident about your efforts in supporting her. Maybe there would be opportunity to talk directly to somebody else who's been through this too.

You could also look at professional counselling options -- just specifically about coping with a suicidal partner and not necessarily about any other issues you might have going on.

It feels like I've tried that before and she just says I'm not comforting her at all, which is fair cause I'm not good at it, but in instances like that what can be comforting? When I try to direct her to just do something fun or relaxing she says I'm just "trying to get to the good part" without any of the work. And that she can't enjoy anything because of her issues.

It's possible you're actually more of a comfort to her than she's consciously aware of. I mean, if you were to break up with her, I wonder whether she would feel relieved and appreciate her newfound space, or if she would suddenly realize she did feel comfort from you and start regretting your absence.

Still, I would even separate the idea of "comforting" from "supporting." This is where it gets very hard, seeing someone you care about in so much pain and not being able to do anything about it -- comforting if and when you can, but also accepting when you cannot.

This, plus the amount of negativity you're being hit with... It must take such a heavy toll on you, and this is where I'd like to see for you to find some kind of outside support, if it's at all possible.

 

[dontlook]

Oh my god, I relate so much to this and I'm so so sorry it's happening. My wife is trans and she has so many of the same traits. I'm transmasc and it's so hard supporting her and myself right now. I feel like we're sinking and I can't do anything to help her. Except my wife wants to keep trying despite her ideations and I'm the one thinking of dying.

 

[toxicjester]

@toxicjester I'd look around online (Reddit, maybe) for stories from other people who are in similar situations as you. Basically, how are other people supporting (and coping with) their partners who are extremely depressed or suicidal? What are they doing to get through it and keep at it? From them, maybe you'd find tips that are more helpful or specifically relatable to you. It could also be of some benefit just to hear from other people who have been through the same thing and maybe make you feel more confident about your efforts in supporting her. Maybe there would be opportunity to talk directly to somebody else who's been through this too.

You could also look at professional counselling options -- just specifically about coping with a suicidal partner and not necessarily about any other issues you might have going on.


It's possible you're actually more of a comfort to her than she's consciously aware of. I mean, if you were to break up with her, I wonder whether she would feel relieved and appreciate her newfound space, or if she would suddenly realize she did feel comfort from you and start regretting your absence.

Still, I would even separate the idea of "comforting" from "supporting." This is where it gets very hard, seeing someone you care about in so much pain and not being able to do anything about it -- comforting if and when you can, but also accepting when you cannot.

This, plus the amount of negativity you're being hit with... It must take such a heavy toll on you, and this is where I'd like to see for you to find some kind of outside support, if it's at all possible.

I'm afraid I've already tried reaching through other forums, a lot of the advice on Reddit is to

A) focus less on passing and more on her beauty(doesn't work because she doesn't believe she can be pretty without passing)

B) get her therapy (she's been more willing recently but hasn't made any strides in this, also not sure if health insurance would cover and she's had therapists in the past and just lies to them)

C) that there isn't much I can do, just that she needs to work on herself which is :( cause that doesn't help me much and this has been an ongoing issue throughout the relationship (6 years)

I really hoped HRT would help her more, and that she'd kinda learn to be happy with herself but she's gone down the wrong rabbit holes so she doesn't believe she can be happy until she passes

Even just now I tried to tell her that I know her situation is shitty and she said "I just want you to understand" which is, I don't know how I'd show that even in a way that she likes

Sorry so many words, there's a lot I could talk about in terms of my situation, it's just so much

Also I forgot to say it the first time, I do have a therapist, but he doesn't help much and the one time I let slip what I talk to him about and what he's said about this situation with my gf it really upset her so now it's really hard for me to want to talk to him about it :(

Oh my god, I relate so much to this and I'm so so sorry it's happening. My wife is trans and she has so many of the same traits. I'm transmasc and it's so hard supporting her and myself right now. I feel like we're sinking and I can't do anything to help her. Except my wife wants to keep trying despite her ideations and I'm the one thinking of dying.

I'm sorry you're going through the same thing :(

I'm also transmasc and I know her and our situations are way different but it still sucks y'know?

I guess in our case I'm the one that wants to keep trying(at the very least I want her to keep trying, I'm kinda just doing shit as I go)

 

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Even just now I tried to tell her that I know her situation is shitty and she said "I just want you to understand" which is, I don't know how I'd show that even in a way that she likes

Also I forgot to say it the first time, I do have a therapist, but he doesn't help much and the one time I let slip what I talk to him about and what he's said about this situation with my gf it really upset her so now it's really hard for me to want to talk to him about it :(

"I just want you to understand" -- It sounds like you do understand but that she's feeling pressured to accept unwanted help and to make changes she's not ready to make. This would foster a cycle of frustration where she feels increasingly misunderstood and you feel increasingly helpless and hopeless with the situation.

If the relationship is going to continue to work, then that cycle needs to be shut down. For your part, this would involve a shift away from "helping" and a move towards strictly "supporting." But she needs to do her part too. She's in a terrible spot and suffering very badly, but there should be limits as to how much negativity and insolence you can be expected to take from her, and it would be fair to look at establishing boundaries.

I'm afraid I've already tried reaching through other forums, a lot of the advice on Reddit is to

A) focus less on passing and more on her beauty(doesn't work because she doesn't believe she can be pretty without passing)

B) get her therapy (she's been more willing recently but hasn't made any strides in this, also not sure if health insurance would cover and she's had therapists in the past and just lies to them)

C) that there isn't much I can do, just that she needs to work on herself which is :( cause that doesn't help me much and this has been an ongoing issue throughout the relationship (6 years)

Well, you can colour me disappointed in Reddit.

I feel like your best shot at getting meaningful support is through one-on-one contact with somebody who's specifically had experience with your situation: somebody whose trans partner is severely depressed and suicidal due to circumstances surrounding their transition. That's pretty specific, and it would probably be a challenge to find such a person who's also willing and able to provide the kind of support you need... But they are out there. Somewhere.

I mean, I could go into mindfulness techniques and other techniques taken from DBT, CBT, ACT, etc. that could possibly be applied here, but I don't feel equipped or knowledgeable enough to offer anything beyond a superficial take in this situation, when what I think you actually need is a much more personal, in-depth, ongoing support. This, I'm thinking could only come from either someone who's gone through the same experience as you, or a professional whose training allows them a deep understanding of the trans component here.

Part of me wants to break up, partly because I feel like I'm holding her back, but maybe partly because I'm selfish and I just can't ever help her when she's upset.

I'm going back to your first post here, floating this idea of breaking up with her. It might come to that. I feel a little remiss to end on this note, but for as much as I'm going on about keeping the relationship, I don't want to give the impression that you'd be somehow "wrong" or "selfish" for ending it. It sounds like you've tried a lot here. If a break-up is what it comes to, you've gotta do what you've gotta do, and it wouldn't be for lack of trying.

 

[toxicjester]

"I just want you to understand" -- It sounds like you do understand but that she's feeling pressured to accept unwanted help and to make changes she's not ready to make. This would foster a cycle of frustration where she feels increasingly misunderstood and you feel increasingly helpless and hopeless with the situation.

If the relationship is going to continue to work, then that cycle needs to be shut down. For your part, this would involve a shift away from "helping" and a move towards strictly "supporting." But she needs to do her part too. She's in a terrible spot and suffering very badly, but there should be limits as to how much negativity and insolence you can be expected to take from her, and it would be fair to look at establishing boundaries.


Well, you can colour me disappointed in Reddit.

I feel like your best shot at getting meaningful support is through one-on-one contact with somebody who's specifically had experience with your situation: somebody whose trans partner is severely depressed and suicidal due to circumstances surrounding their transition. That's pretty specific, and it would probably be a challenge to find such a person who's also willing and able to provide the kind of support you need... But they are out there. Somewhere.

I mean, I could go into mindfulness techniques and other techniques taken from DBT, CBT, ACT, etc. that could possibly be applied here, but I don't feel equipped or knowledgeable enough to offer anything beyond a superficial take in this situation, when what I think you actually need is a much more personal, in-depth, ongoing support. This, I'm thinking could only come from either someone who's gone through the same experience as you, or a professional whose training allows them a deep understanding of the trans component here.


I'm going back to your first post here, floating this idea of breaking up with her. It might come to that. I feel a little remiss to end on this note, but for as much as I'm going on about keeping the relationship, I don't want to give the impression that you'd be somehow "wrong" or "selfish" for ending it. It sounds like you've tried a lot here. If a break-up is what it comes to, you've gotta do what you've gotta do, and it wouldn't be for lack of trying.

I appreciate everything you've told me today, I hope it didn't seem like I was trying to shut anything down, I just feel like I've tried a lot but also like things keep repeating :(

Talking to someone about this experience would definitely be nice, although I'm v awkward as is and it's hard for me to keep and maintain conact

I appreciate your reassurance for the thought of breaking up, it's just something I really don't want to do, it feels like I've put so much into this y'know?

Anyways, I appreciate all of your input in this, it always helps to read what other people's thoughts are