I feel like where I'm at in my own situation is incredibly sad, but there are those in situations worse than mine that it makes me feel like a wuss for thinking the way I am. I'm in the middle of a complex legal situation that could lead me to go away for a long time. I will maintain vagueness due to this and not self incriminate by saying the wrong things that could be legally binding because in the end I actually dont know what the outcome will be. I feel like I'm staring down the barrel of a gun right now. On one hand I want to live for as long as possible and see myself and others around me prosper. I know it won't always be prosperous rainbows and sunshine but I would like to be around for the good times there are. I can't do this from a cell where my only outlook into this is through a phone or the occasional video visit. I don't know what the outcome will be but I'm in good health physically not mentally (I think). I don't want to come out to the light at the end of the tunnel old and limited on opportunities while dragging down those around me looking for support. Being afraid of that is kind of what put me here in the first place but oh well. I don't want to die but on the other hand I feel like I need to because I'm going to anyways, figuratively. I see stories of people making the most in their situations like mine but for some reason it just doesn't seem like what I want from life and that my death will be just as fulfilling to the justice system as incarceration would be, if not more. I have messed up immensely and I have prayed every night for this to just be a dream and ask for a chance to go back to key moments in my life where I could've taken a path where something like this would've never even been a possibility. Don't take it for granted when someone tells you "this is your only life, use it every second you can and make the most of it" you only get once chance and unless if you have a working Time Machine hidden somewhere, this is factual. This isn't to invalidate anyone's struggles. It's not my choice to decide if you CTB is reasonable or not but from one person to another or many of you, please look for any and all hope and cling onto it for dear life because I know you can. It's one thing to come to peace with knowing why you want to CTB and fully committing to it but when it's forced and you do find a reason to stay around, it's incredibly disheartening and earth shattering. I count the seconds, minutes, hours, days, etc.. that I still have in this free world and am thankful for the time I have had and the people who have surrounded me but I think it's my time. I'm alone in this and only really have you guys, I don't need egging on or support to know what I want but just the feeling of being alone in my own thoughts in something as serious as this is terrible to say the least. I told a few friends not too long ago about an attempt but didn't want to bring them down to my level so I had said it in a joking manner but still explained the truth and serious of it and left it at that. I wish they could've 100% guaranteed me that my biggest worries shouldn't be worries but I won't be here to find out. I could ramble about this for about a thousand more words but I'll save you the reading as I feel like I've laid out the essentials but read very carefully of what I'm about to say.
If you have any hopes of turning your story around, cling on for dear life because this is the only life we have and anything beyond it is never guaranteed. If you have nothing, do it for me, try a little while longer. I don't want to invalidate anyone else's struggles, feelings, or decisions but just know it's good to seek resources like those provided here but equally as much those who want to keep you around from hotlines to your closest companion, someone is out there wanting you to keep on keeping on. if that isn't for you/applicable then I hope you find peace in whatever you decide to do because it is your destiny to decide. I love you all and I've been lurking for a while now to see some lovely and smart people pop out everywhere. I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for. I hope this message finds you well and at the minimum helped you doomscroll for a little bit, lol. With respect, msmane. <3
If you have any hopes of turning your story around, cling on for dear life because this is the only life we have and anything beyond it is never guaranteed. If you have nothing, do it for me, try a little while longer. I don't want to invalidate anyone else's struggles, feelings, or decisions but just know it's good to seek resources like those provided here but equally as much those who want to keep you around from hotlines to your closest companion, someone is out there wanting you to keep on keeping on. if that isn't for you/applicable then I hope you find peace in whatever you decide to do because it is your destiny to decide. I love you all and I've been lurking for a while now to see some lovely and smart people pop out everywhere. I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for. I hope this message finds you well and at the minimum helped you doomscroll for a little bit, lol. With respect, msmane. <3
