I Don't Wanna Die Right Now

[foreverbroken28]

The reason I'm here and considering CTB is because of an irreversible mistake I made last year. I won't go deep into it but I did something really terrible in a heat of anger to someone I am deeply in love with.

I have Borderlone Personality and here's a little bit of my story - My first attempt to CTB was when I was 13 in 2004. I OD'd on different pills, went all dizzy & even blacked out. Ever since I have been struggling with impulsive thoughts to CTB, even when things were going well.

My situation last year made things worse & I seriously thought I was gonna CTB but here I am. I've always felt like it was my fate to take myself out but I don't want to die right now, mostly due to the discomfort of a fast heartbeat & the idea of finality. (My method would be SN.)

So, with that said, I'm gonna try to be here for others who need it while also listening to uplifting music, trying prayer & attempting to move on from the man I've fallen madly in love with. I'm so remorseful it sucks but I'm gonna attempt to get through it.

If anything changes, I'll be back to update. I do think I'm gonna end up CTB anyways but I'm trying to stall it as long as I can & am gonna attempt to get better. ♡

I wish everyone the best of luck and if you feel uneasy about death and dying and you are scared, know that you don't *have to die*. You can wait it out. It's a final decision and some people begin to panic once the method starts kicking in. For some it is too late to turn back.

I don't wanna be that person and you don't have to, either. You are the only person you have to answer to & you're NOT a coward for changing your mind if you do. It is YOUR life. You make your own choices & try not to judge yourself too harshly. ♡

 

[Rome Horseman]

Loves from me! I wish you fucking luck

 

[foreverbroken28]

Loves from me! I wish you fucking luck

Thanks so much. ♡ I'll need it. I'm already starting to change my mind but hoping I don't. I do wish you the same as well.

 

[enjoy]

hey. i, too have bpd and lost my s/o due to my behavior. i'm rooting for you no matter which decision you make!

 

[foreverbroken28]

hey. i, too have bpd and lost my s/o due to my behavior. i'm rooting for you no matter which decision you make!

Is this why you are here as well? Because you lost your s/o?

He wasn't my s/o but I just loved him so much & enjoyed being friends. I'm now considering buying what I need for my SN next month. (When I've got the money).

I'm still not sure. The shame, remorse, guilt, embarrassment & life without being his friend is eating me alive. I'm trying so hard to focus on other things but I keep finding myself back here and I almost had a meltdown just a minute ago.

Each time it enters my mind, I feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel & that this feeling of great loss is beyond my control.

I really don't wanna die so I'm fighting myself but the pain is almost unbearable & I don't wanna have to deal with this. September will be 3 years straight since I've loved him. I'm pathetic as hell but the truth is the truth.

 

[EndlessCycle]

fellow heartbroken here. Always hit me up if you need some virtual company.
wishing you lots of strength, whatever you need that for.

 

[Suicide_vampire]

Hey there, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. Unrequited love can be a terrible thing. But if as you say you want to recover, you need to find something to fill the void of this man.
If you continue down the path of beating yourself up mentally over this, you will be stuck in this spot forever.
Plus you are closing yourself off to other people who may be good to let into your life.
Just keep talking, you know there will always be support here for you

 

[foreverbroken28]

fellow heartbroken here. Always hit me up if you need some virtual company.
wishing you lots of strength, whatever you need that for.

When I come to places like this, I like to help others and listen to them... Even though I'm venting in public on here, my messages are open for anyone who needs a compassionate ear as well. (Or eye).





Thanks so much. It means a ton. ♡

Hey there, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. Unrequited love can be a terrible thing. But if as you say you want to recover, you need to find something to fill the void of this man.
If you continue down the path of beating yourself up mentally over this, you will be stuck in this spot forever.
Plus you are closing yourself off to other people who may be good to let into your life.
Just keep talking, you know there will always be support here for you❤

I've thought about this and you're correct in your assessment but the heart wants who and what it wants. The bigger picture here though is that I've been suicidal my entire life. I once attempted to CTB over having a strong desire for a banana nut muffin.

It's very silly and you all can laugh. (I truly would not mind.) The point is - I think my issues are greater than my love for him. It's not simply that though. This guy is sort of famous & during my time of rage, I did something extremely damaging to his reputation among his colleagues.

Although he was not innocent, he did not deserve what I did. I became a monster and went to great lengths to hurt him. It's even worse he has a family. I betrayed him in the worst way anyone can imagine betrayal because of my stupid split personality.

That week I did that to him, I was a different individual. I was sick and on antibiotics, I was being harassed by a jealous stalker & he was ignoring my warnings, which triggered my split personality/abandonment issues.

I just am having a hard time living with myself after what I've done to him. I almost can't believe I stooped so low...but I better believe it because it WAS me.


Other things seem impossible to overcome. I feel like a monster and that I should not exist. I am still "fighting" but I think I've already given up, to tell you the truth.

I bookmarked where to get the SN, the other things needed & etc. I have 3 dates that would be ideal for me. I really didn't want to have to get to this point but I feel like I *deserve* this and don't want anyone (not even family) feeling sorry for me.

Before I finalize my choice, I really need to consider how I'm going to go about this if I cannot overcome my battle.

1. It would be some huge news story if I was found out being on here, which is the last thing I'd want for anyone connected to me. (My family or his.)

2. I don't wanna leave my bestfriend here by herself. She has been with me since birth. She knows about this place, has visited herself & understands but still. We are practically in the same boat.

I'm just about over my fear of dying and the discomfort I expressed dreading earlier on this thread. So now, it's just a matter of whether I will pull through or not & believe me - I am doing everything I feel I can to try. Maybe I need to try harder.

I even went back to prayer & playing some Christians songs to see if that works. And if I do decide on a date, I'm gonna check myself into a hospital to see if some weeks away from home and the internet will help.

If I get out and it does not - I am out of here. I can't straddle the fence. I'm tired.

Sorry for being so long winded but I needed to vent. (As always.)

 

[NeverMatteredAnyway]

Looking back at my life, the one blaring truth is, other people were never the answer. I wasnt ready to live with the loneliness of the inevitable. I sure could have saved myself A LOT of pain if Id just never had tried for close relationships.
If you just let go and get used to being alone, youll be lonely but youll never feel this pain again.

 

[Rome Horseman]

Looking back at my life, the one blaring truth is, other people were never the answer. I wasnt ready to live with the loneliness of the inevitable. I sure could have saved myself A LOT of pain if Id just never had tried for close relationships.
If you just let go and get used to being alone, youll be lonely but youll never feel this pain again.

There's the thing with BPD we don't like being alone :(

 

[NeverMatteredAnyway]

There's the thing with BPD we don't like being alone :(

No one does. Not really. I attract narcissists and even true sociopaths to me. Im always trying to recreate and change the story of my childhood so for me, its better for me to be alone bc anyone i try to be close to has no conscience and always hurts me. Like they really mess me up. Story of my life.

 

[PaYo]

Another person woth romantic view on suicide. Suicide is booooooring. Ahhhhhh im sleepy. Someone will make me a pizza?

My pizza also going to be final with the last pie gone. I hate when pizza is ending. Fuck is that my blood or ketchup i dont know. Im dead.

I love your 3 acapit. Im here to help also.

Ctb is good as long as you are alone. Later you are not living for yourself.

4 eny1 wanting to kill him her self. We can help you. Just talk to us


Sometimes to feel a relief is to give up you pride and expectations... Just loseeeee. Loooser and move on. You will be hapy for freeing your self from that bag

 

[NeverMatteredAnyway]

Another person woth romantic view on suicide. Suicide is booooooring. Ahhhhhh im sleepy. Someone will make me a pizza?

My pizza also going to be final with the last pie gone. I hate when pizza is ending. Fuck is that my blood or ketchup i dont know. Im dead.

I love your 3 acapit. Im here to help also.

Ctb is good as long as you are alone. Later you are not living for yourself.

4 eny1 wanting to kill him her self. We can help you. Just talk to us


Sometimes to feel a relief is to give up you pride and expectations... Just loseeeee. Loooser and move on. You will be hapy for freeing your self from that bag

Ya when you let go of hopes and expectations, you can feel relief

 

[Rome Horseman]

Ya when you let go of hopes and expectations, you can feel relief

Do you think that would really work?

I'm going to give that a try

 

[NeverMatteredAnyway]

Do you think that would really work?

I'm going to give that a try

Yes, I know it does. Its not easy, and its lonely being alone. But I also feel I learned something later than I wish I had- if something is supposed to happen, a relationship, a friendship, and its supposed to last- it will. Its defeating and exhausting to fight for it or over it, or lament over regrets or mistakes. We're really not in control of alot. Its not possible to control outcomes. We all screw up. Just do the best you can in the moment. You never know, 10 years from now your friend could look you up out of the blue and if that happens, it was meant to be. Or he/she may not, and thats the way its supposed to be. Just do the best you can, and the people who are supposed to be in your life will be. Try not to miss someone if its their time to go. Just worry about you. Its lonely, but you just might end up with people who stay. Lol i never did, but im old now anyway. Wish I would have tried this advice myself when I was younger :)

 

[Rome Horseman]

Yes, I know it does. Its not easy, and its lonely being alone. But I also feel I learned something later than I wish I had- if something is supposed to happen, a relationship, a friendship, and its supposed to last- it will. Its defeating and exhausting to fight for it or over it, or lament over regrets or mistakes. We're really not in control of alot. Its not possible to control outcomes. We all screw up. Just do the best you can in the moment. You never know, 10 years from now your friend could look you up out of the blue and if that happens, it was meant to be. Or he/she may not, and thats the way its supposed to be. Just do the best you can, and the people who are supposed to be in your life will be. Try not to miss someone if its their time to go. Just worry about you. Its lonely, but you just might end up with people who stay. Lol i never did, but im old now anyway. Wish I would have tried this advice myself when I was younger :)

Dude we can be friends, let's go bowling, golfing, out fishing!! We would have a blast


As for the advice I'll listen and do my best and at the same time not get my no hopes up.. *sighs* it's going to be hard because I've been n listening to this disorder my whole life

 

[EndlessCycle]

No one does. Not really. I attract narcissists and even true sociopaths to me. Im always trying to recreate and change the story of my childhood so for me, its better for me to be alone bc anyone i try to be close to has no conscience and always hurts me. Like they really mess me up. Story of my life.

I relate to that.. Neglect and abandoment issues, very dependant on my first relationsship back then but alot better through therapy and self reflection.
But that cycles of attracting these people needs to be broken for me. I have no problem with being alone, in fact been isolating myself for most of my life but still a loveless life isnt what I would want.

When I come to places like this, I like to help others and listen to them... Even though I'm venting in public on here, my messages are open for anyone who needs a compassionate ear as well. (Or eye).

Thank you so much. I will actually do that or also open my own topic to vent about what has been plaguing me.


What exactly do you mean with the issues are greater than your love for him? That they outweigh the love you got for him when you had battled yourself with these? It is a lonely victory, but it seems like you at least finally beat what has driven you in that weak.

I feel a bit bad for bringing this up in a place like this because its the one of the worst phrases, but time does its thing. If it is not traumatic, people are wired to forget bad memories faster than the good ones and highlight those more and more when thinking back. Also emotions and impressions vary, people lifing in different timelines with different needs and expierences. Now you might say I can piss off with that, but him might not be as "broken" in a final sense and time might do you a favor. but that also could be false hope.

I also feel how guilt is eating you. I honestly dont know what must feel worse, the guit part or knowing you might have lost him or most likely both.
Are you still in contact with him or did he shut everything off?

Just out of curiosity, did you chose christians songs for the condemning of suicide and hyping yourself up to not ctb?

 

[NeverMatteredAnyway]

Dude we can be friends, let's go bowling, golfing, out fishing!! We would have a blast


As for the advice I'll listen and do my best and at the same time not get my no hopes up.. *sighs* it's going to be hard because I've been n listening to this disorder my whole life

Lol yes, we would have a blast!

 

[foreverbroken28]

Nobody needs to respond to this post..I'm just here to update. Clearly things didn't work out and I'm over trying. I also want to make clear that my reasoning for CTB isn't over a guy.. (Not that it matters.).. itss due to my Borderline Personality Disorder and intrusive thoughts. (Which are a LARGE portion of why I get hooked on people in the first place.) That guy wasn't the first and if I "get over him" he won't be the last. I realized that even without a love interest to hurt me, it was always some other reason my brain found to CTB. Once it was over a banana nut muffin.. So any love interest is just as much as a catalyst for my intrusive BPD as a muffin is. (Not trying to be funny but it's true.)

I will never be cured and all my life, something in my head just keeps telling me to CTB.. even when I'm happy.. "It" tells me to do it. (Not like a demon or anything like voices) but just impulses.

I ordered my SN this morning and it should be here by the 16th. The hard part is getting meto but I'll (hopefully) figure something out. I don't want this thread to drag on (in reference to me, unless anyone has a direct statement or question...) because I'm no longer in the "recovery" category. I tried.

 

[hatelife]

Is this why you are here as well? Because you lost your s/o?

He wasn't my s/o but I just loved him so much & enjoyed being friends. I'm now considering buying what I need for my SN next month. (When I've got the money).

I'm still not sure. The shame, remorse, guilt, embarrassment & life without being his friend is eating me alive. I'm trying so hard to focus on other things but I keep finding myself back here and I almost had a meltdown just a minute ago.

Each time it enters my mind, I feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel & that this feeling of great loss is beyond my control.

I really don't wanna die so I'm fighting myself but the pain is almost unbearable & I don't wanna have to deal with this. September will be 3 years straight since I've loved him. I'm pathetic as hell but the truth is the truth.

I used to be like u, It took me some years to get over a guy in 2012, but now when I think about that time I feel good because I was the happiest that summer even if I felt like a weirdo talking to them on tumblr not meeting in person but it made me change some things in life that time, I was working out and doing plastic surgery but it also made me feel lost at the end now, since some bad things happened in 2015, 2016,2017 and it made me depressed in 2018 -2020
anyways, thats life but I often think back of the time in my early 20s and it feels so like bittersweet to think of it and the songs I used to listen to back then, looking back now cant believe what my life is like now and not the way I wanted it to be, even in 2007 it was bad but I still had hope, now when Im older it feels so dead everything and every kind of magic I thought life had, its like I kinda lost hope for life in general it feels like its lacking a soul.

Dont feel bad though, this guys exgirlfriend crossed a continent because of him and still hint at him and his wife on twitter, she seems not to be over him still after its been so long time, it made me feel better, I finally got over him in these last few years. it makes me feel like there is not true love, the way I was obsessed with him back then and crying like we were not even in a real relationship, But I still felt drawn to him I had this weird thought like we were twin flames as I believed in that crap back then and we were mimicking each other, he got a bunny after 1 month after me and became vegan too like me, I thought we had this soul connection, its sounds so weird and fucked up when I write this and see how weird it is, but all I ever wanted was love and true love like soulmates, and I believed in twin flames back then. But now I dont belive in this soulmates thing, if I could get over him then its not true I think, and people ooften have to fall in love with looks too so thats a thing that changes over the years so I feel like love isent like the fairytales, but I still feel jealous when I see ppl who have been together with one and other until they are old, thats like true love so sweet

I too get hooked n obsessed with ppl, this guy above wasnt the last guy I obsessed like that with, and also I think its part of my ocd also, I feel empty inside in my teens-forward and tried to fill it with a soulmate connection, its very sad and hard to live like that, I also want to kill myself because I dont see a meaning in life and nobody seems to be for me, if a guy likes me I dont like him here in a restaurant like a guy looked at me nice but I dont like him and all the ones I like dont like me I feel and I just want to experience magic, I thought it would be nice to be friends with a girl in real life and we talked but I dont feel like its fun like when I had friends as a child, I cant connect well with anyone, or its because I feel life is so boring now and done already everything I thought was fun and magical