Venting I don't want my life to be a series of things I have to "face"

[nux_walpurgis]

I was talking with my mom the other day and she asked about my uni assignment. I told her that the assignment is optional and since it is a source of stress for me, I have been thinking to just not do it. She said it would be better if I did it, with a disappointed, condescending tone. I told her she is making me more anxious than I already am. She told the assignment is one of the many things I have and will have to face in my life.

I am crying rn. I had made some progress regarding suicidal ideation lately with the help of therapy, but this brought all the bad thoughts back. I don't want my life to be full of trials, I don't want it to be a series of things I have to face. I don't want this. It sounds exhausting.

I might as well go to the underside part of the city, buy some morphine and lie on my bed while it takes me away forever.

How do some people live with their lives, how do they get on day after day, and what kind of sad pathetic existence that is.

I want to share this with my therapist, I want to be honest, but I am afraid they will be disappointed with me and ditch me thinking I am a lost case. And I feel like one too.

I am so tired of trying not to think into the future because the mere thought throws me into a mental abyss. I feel like everything is completely hopeless and me most of all.

 

[Mirrory Me]

I might as well go to the underside part of the city, buy some morphine and lie on my bed while it takes me away forever.

Well. some people want to make things better (they learn that hard work usually pays up), others have kinda accepted/twisted that they never make a big difference, and they always fail in life.

 

[never_take_my_heart]

I relate... The smallest things, things that are considered to be "just the way life is" and "something everyone has to go through"... It all feels beyond overwhelming to an already fragile psyche. :(

I sadly can't provide any meaningful advice beyond, admittedly, rather frivolous words as an attempt to comfort, but, hey, just the fact you've made progress, you've acknowledged the said progress... In the midst of despair, any improvement can be massive.

I myself feel a lot of shame for not "handling responsibilities" as I'm "supposed to", especially being lectured with that condescending tone, as you've said... I'm thankful you've shared your frustrations, the same kind of despair.
There's a soul of mine who shares your pains, for what it's worth. You're not floating through the cold, unfeeling void alone.

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

Your mum is right, that is life. It isn't a sad existence, it's literally part of life. Life brings ups and downs, you can expect everything to be perfect all the time, because shit literally happens. Nor is everything all bad.

You'll find your way as you get older. You will learn that life is full of ups and downs, and learn to grow from things that are handed your way (which is the point of it). Life is literally a learning curve. Yes, it isn't always easy but what is? If everything was great all the time, you would learn absolutely nothing. Those people that say 'life has no meaning', 'what's the meaning of life?' - it is to learn. To experience things - wonderful things, and not so wonderful things. Those that have a pessimistic perspective will literally see nothing else, and those goes for optimism, too. There is always a middle ground, not everyone has one though I guess. It is toxic and unhealthy to look at things as all good or all bad - nothing in life is like that. However, if you're depressed you're hardly going to see things from a optimistic perspective, but it is important to be grateful for things, too. And that can help change your perspective on things.

Some people are lucky and have everything handed to them on a plate, some are born into poverty and have to deal with that their entire lives, regardless of how much they work, because the job is so low paid - not knowing where their next meal is coming from, or if they're going to die next winter because they can't afford heating. I would suggest you continue your studies so you can have a better life. Yes it is hard, but isn't meant to be easy, if it was easy, you'd fly through it and as I said above, you'd learn absolutely nothing. You're at Uni for a reason - to learn, right?

I'd continue talking to your therapist about this, because she's the professional. You are evidently very depressed, but you must find a way to get out of this mindset. You have your entire life ahead of you and things can literally change overnight. You are evidently very young, but you have decades to work on yourself. Take this uni opportunity as something you can do with your life, make something of yourself. An opportunity a lot would give their right arm for.

I hope things ease for you a bit

 

[RosebyAnyName]

Not sure why people are saying your mother is right... the mindset your mother has will lead to unnecessary suffering. If it's an optional course like you said, then you can just not take it.

My mother is the same way. I also have a course that I could take to get a promotion, the only problem is that it's literally impossible for me. It's extremely difficult, and I'd rather not spend my time again making myself that miserable for even just a couple months when I'm already so suicidal and close to real CTB. I already tried it once and couldn't even get passed a month, yet my mother insists I should just try again, insisting that I "need" to do it. Some people really just don't get it, they think you just need to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and that hard work alone will always get you success in everything no matter what.

If that's all life really is about, then that's just another reason on my list to CTB. I'd rather step out of the rat race than pretend it's "the whole point of life." I've already spent my whole life so far deferring happiness for my "future", only have no future to enjoy because happiness is always to be deferred and never enjoyed. That's not a life worth living to me.

 

[Lostandlooking]

I don't agree with your mother either. For a long time I pushed myself to do things that were difficult, challenging myself to get out my comfort zone, going the extra mile etc. For some people it can work out and then it gives a sense of accomplishment. But for some it doesn't serve any purpose. In the end I think your efforts should result in something positive, that sense of accomplishment, an improvement to your life. If you find that the efforts are not worth it, you'd be better off not putting so much strain on yourself. I pushed myself incredibly hard in school and at work. Challenged myself for years to be more social in order to overcome anxiety. I never found any sense of accomplishment or happiness in that. It's valid to choose an easier route. And in that, personally, I found some solace. No point in torturing myself. Easier doesn't mean you can't be serious about the things you do choose to do. I just think society demands a lot of things from people that are useless and damaging.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I do really relate. I've been told so many times that 'we all have to do things we don't want to do' and, 'life is full if things we don't want to do'. I agree though, it's so tricky when it's every other damn thing!

The only thing that works eventually for me is to work out what (bad) thing is likely to happen if I don't do said thing. Sometimes that's enough to push me to do it. Sometimes I just live with the bad consequences. It depends how serious they are and, how badly I'm going to be judged for them. I'll do my best not to fail a course or get sacked from a job but I'll leave the house to fall apart until I pretty much have to act.

Sorry- it's not very motivational. Just to say, I know how you feel. So much of life is like pulling teeth for me now!

 

[MoonBat]

God do I relate. I feel like a lot of the things out of my control are what make me feel the worst, especially when waved off as "just part of the ups and downs". It feels like some sort of cosmic dread. Know that despite it all, we are not alone in our suffering. Much love