I don’t want to die

[-nobodyknows-]

I don't want to die.

However, after being like this for so long, I feel like I don't have much of a choice.

I can feel myself becoming weaker and weaker. Every day I am hit with waves of overwhelming sadness, loneliness, and self-destructive feelings that last for hours. It's getting harder to get up in the morning. My appetite is waning. I find it harder to go out and talk to people. I'm having trouble focusing on things, and have started procrastinating more and more.

I know what's making things worse: I don't have anyone I can talk to or be around when I feel suicidal. A while ago I did, and things were significantly easier. But talking about that sort of stuff, and always trying to spend time with them to feel better, is just too much to put on a person. So, it was doomed to fail from the start. I don't blame them for it though, in a way I am happy they cared enough to try, since most people would just stop talking to me once they saw that side of me. But… not having anyone is the worst. I always do better when I have someone. Without that, I am in trouble.

I do wish things could be different though. That I had someone who could handle that sort of talk and didn't mind me hanging out with them all the time. Either a close friend or a romantic partner would work.

But, as I said before, it's a fantasy. I know something like that isn't possible. So… I am stuck. I feel like there's not much of a choice now.

I don't know how much longer I can keep going. I really want to try and wait until I can move out so my family won't have to deal with the additional pain of finding me, but I can feel myself starting to break down more and more so I do not know if I will be able to wait that long.

I wish I could have been a normal person, someone who didn't have these sorts of self destructive feelings that could only be soothed by others. That way I could actually have friendships and relationships. But I don't think it's meant to be.

I do not know if there is someone in this world who would be able to handle me. But if there is, I desperately hope they can find me before it is too late.

 

[ladylazarus4]

I'm sorry, that sounds so horrible. I've definitely felt like that before and to an extent still do. Have you tried therapy? It's not a panacea obviously and lots of people don't find it helpful but on the other hand many do. After 10 therapists (jeez), I've finally found one that I love and really helps me. Maybe that could help you.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

I'm sorry, that sounds so horrible. I've definitely felt like that before and to an extent still do. Have you tried therapy? It's not a panacea obviously and lots of people don't find it helpful but on the other hand many do. After 10 therapists (jeez), I've finally found one that I love and really helps me. Maybe that could help you.

I was in therapy for nine years. Unfortunately, it did not help. Stopped going when the doctors started saying that things will probably never change for me and that I will have to learn to live with these feelings for the rest of my life

 

[ladylazarus4]

I was in therapy for nine years. Unfortunately, it did not help. Stopped going when the doctors started saying that things will never change for me and that I will have to learn to live with these feelings for the rest of my life

I hate that they gave up on you, that's not fair at all. You sound like you're suffering immensely and I hope it gets better someday.

 

[Surai]

I wish I could have been a normal person

But life's pushed me here

I do wish things could be different

 

[OnlyOneSolution]

I don't want to die.

I wish I could have been a normal person, someone who didn't have these sorts of self destructive feelings that could only be soothed by others. That way I could actually have friendships and relationships. But I don't think it's meant to be.

I am sorry you have these feelings. It is a horrible way to wake up every day. I started begging God for death when I was 15... Never understood why. It gets better then worse then I feel numb for awhile. But my brain never lefts me have peace.

I hate this life....I hate this existence are my two most common self-laments. Why are this way? Idk. But it sucks.

I'm not qualified to offer great advice but even shallow meaningless relationships that pop up every once in awhile at least give me a temporary reason to not fixate on how much I hate myself and how I wish I had what it takes to CTB.

I hope you find a T or a friend to make it a little easier to breathe. Until then, you have catharsis and us.

 

[AAE]

Someone who truly loves you wouldn't get tired because they'd accept you as you are. I wish you find that special someone.