Venting i don't want to die

[febuary]

just venting, needed to get my thoughts out and it's probably incoherent. sorry for the ramble.

i say I want to kill myself but what I really want is for my life to be different. I want so desperately to live happily. I want to experience good things and live a fun and happy life. but I'm at a point where I've given up on having that. im stuck between a rock and a hard place, made a lot of decisions i regret and now my future is completely fucked. my dream of having a simple happy life is fucked. and I'm sorry but I'm not strong enough to life a hard life, I've never been emotionally resilient. I hate feeling pain and I'd rather just die than suffer though a painful life with no promise of happiness at the end. the only thing keeping me here is family and friends, I hate to think of the pain I would cause by CTB. but every day that passes the feeling of dread gets worse. i wish i could go back and do things differently, but it is what it is and i'm not strong enough to live out the rest of my life. I'm going to give myself til the end of the summer to get my affairs in order and then be done with this shitty existence once and for all

 

[MercenariesofMidgar]

Feel the exact same way. even after all this lament, inherently unable to carry this weight

What a fool I was

 

[lysolwipes]

I get you. I feel like I fucked everything up and dug myself into a hole that I do not have the energy to get out of. Watching everybody progress and be in a position that I thought I would also be in sucks. It's worse when you can't blame anyone but yourself.

 

[pattyr26]

i feel the exact same way. i broke off a 6 year relationship recently to work on my mental health but i think i just fucked everything up. all my friends were his friends too, so im alone now and im too socially inept to start making close friendships again. i cant see a future for myself that has anything positive in it, but i know if i ctb itll destroy my family, and i dont want to cause any more pain than i already have. im kind of just treading water

 

[citrusrope]

I know the phrase "I feel the same way" has kind of started to come out of my mouth like a bad habit but; I feel the same way. Everything you wrote feels like something I could have written.

I have so many regrets and the fact that I can't physically go back in time to give it a retry, or a redo is so fucking hard for me to accept.

I am emotionally weak too, I'm too sensitive and don't have enough resolve, and I am a coward who is scared of any and all pain that the dread that settled deep within me is kind of excruciating tbh. I want to not die *so badly* that I keep begging for things to change for me, but well here I am, unchanged. And ironically I am so scared to die that I just want to die.

I just wish I could have been someone different. I wish my life could have gone differently. And by now I have lost all my energy to struggling around without being able to do much that I just can't find myself being able to live.

 

[worthless123]

I know, I keep waiting for something to change, some magic miracle to come through and save me but I know deep down that's never going to happen. So I just watch the days go by one by one, wondering if I'll ever actually have the courage to do it.

I just refuse to accept that every moment in my life from my somewhat normal childhood through my very short time in the adult world would ultimately lead to this. I truly can't believe this is how my life turned out. It doesn't feel real. I spend every second of every day trying to escape from reality while my situation just gets worse and worse. Fuck this god damn world.

 

[8leveloquenfrn4evr8]

The sad reality is that it doesn't get better.

 

[_soulless_]

You perfectly described my situation

 

[Ferreter]

Yeah I'm in a similiar position to everyone else here, I don't want to die but I know I cannot live, not unless something else happens, and I am waiting, hopefully waiting.