I dont want to die

[NonsenseTrash]

I want to live. I want to have the life that I should be living. I want to finish my degree. I want to get a job I enjoy. I want to have a fulfilling career. I want to have relationships with people, other than my parents and my therapist.
I just cant see that life for me. All I see is suffering. I cant get out of bed for more than an hour each day lately, just because of the depression. I am probably going to lose my job soon and end up homeless, because I cant get my life together. I am probably going to fail out of school again, because i cant get it together.
I have tried all the therapies and medicines. I was in a treatment center for over a year. I have done DBT, CBT, EMDR, etc. I have been on antidepressants, anti anxiety meds, antipsychotics,etc. to try to get better. I have been suggested ECT and TMS, but that is one thing i refuse to do. My intellegence is the only thing I have left. If that gets messed with, I'll have nothing.
I have been hospitalized multiple times for many attempts and practicing of partial hanging. I ordered SN and its on its way, but i dont want to have to use it.
I'm young. I'm in my mid twenties. I don't want to die. But, i see no forseeable future for myself. I am tired of suffering.
I have a really good therapist, but i dont think he can even help me at this point. I will just end up burning him out in the end.
I'm just tired.
I'm sorry about this really long post. I just needed to vent a little.

 

[BPD Barbie]

Hey it's OK, we are here and we understand that push pull feeling of wanting to and not wanting to die. It's horrible, it gnaws away at you every minute of every day, you just go back and forth. I wish I had the answer for everything, but all I can really say is I'm sorry life has been shitty for you and we are here for you anytime you need someone. It's OK to not be ok

 

[NonsenseTrash]

Hey ❤ it's OK, we are here and we understand that push pull feeling of wanting to and not wanting to die. It's horrible, it gnaws away at you every minute of every day, you just go back and forth. I wish I had the answer for everything, but all I can really say is I'm sorry life has been shitty for you and we are here for you anytime you need someone. It's OK to not be ok ❤

Thank you!! I really appreciate the support

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

I think that deep inside every suicidal person there is a wish to live but their lives are so fucked up and cant reverse so there's no other thing that ctb. I think that if many of us could go back in time wouldnt be here (i include). But what is done is done. I cant wish you but the best. I would want to live if I didnt have my body injuries.

 

[Backwood_tilt]

I ordered SN and its on its way, but i dont want to have to use it.

We will always support your choice here, whatever it is.

I am sorry to hear about what you have been through. It sounds awful, and I can totally understand why you would be feeling the way you feel.

 

[DoNotLet2]

Long posts are fine. It's kinda relatable.

 

[MachinaArcana]

Sorry to hear about your suffering and the shitty situation you're in, but I think it's brave of you to share your doubts and uncertainties. I wish you much strength.

 

[Quarky00]

Long posts are great, and feel free to vent. You've done a lot of hard work, and gone through a lot, so can't blame you. You sound very smart and self aware. I don't know if these are bouts and it comes and goes .. Maybe you had good periods (say 'a good month') during recent years. Maybe you didn't.

I understand failing school, losing job, and becoming homeless (been there! fun times:). Also had that 'active just one hour a day'. It's rough and even more depressing to be in bed. You do have parents and maybe other options, idk. That's not a solution, you deserve to live life to its fullest, but knowing there's someone or something there to help can ease temporary anxiety.

 

[nsaidsmil]

Understand the exact struggle. Terribly sorry you're being put through something so awful without relief. Often, it can leave you feeling trapped. As another mentioned, sometimes little things can mean a lot in the long run. We can at times channel restlessness, pain, and even anger in different ways. Doors that don't open in life can still be yours to knock down. You deserve happiness and peace. Sending you all my love & strength through this difficult time; wishing the best.

 

[TheDevilsAngel]

I'm sorry you are suffering so much.... I wish everyone here could just all leave to a new amazing place where everything is peaceful and good... I'm more delusional than I thought ... Sending you lots of love and hugs i hope things look up for you buddy

 

[ctbUniquectb]

Consider this:

ECT and TMS might not kill your intelligence.

Death will.

 

[Wiltshire]

So sorry to hear you are feeling really crap about the future. If you've got an iPad or similar while you are in bed - why not watch the Bruno Groening documentary films (3 in total - part 1,2 and 3). On you tube. You never know what they could bring you in terms of perspective and a feeling of healing. I wish that you find peace in your heart.

 

[NonsenseTrash]

Consider this:

ECT and TMS might not kill your intelligence.

Death will.

True. There is a 100% more likely chance, lol

 

[ctbUniquectb]

Don't get me wrong, I've just totally given up on my bag of shit life so I'm not bothering with ECT or TMS, but this is your thread.

So maybe don't throw in the towel yet

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

There's a wide world of difference between ECT and TMS.

I would encourage you to learn more about TMS. Why do you think it will affect your intelligence?

My intelligence is likely the best thing about me, so I get not wanting it messed with. But a doc I had who was truly wonderful has TMS in his practice and I've seen it work for some folks.

Also, welcome! You can say anything here and everyone will try their best to be helpful and supportive.

 

[ctbUniquectb]

I will say: intellect is overrated and mine is the main reason I am fucking PSYCHED to kill myself and soon

 

[NonsenseTrash]

There's a wide world of difference between ECT and TMS.

I would encourage you to learn more about TMS. Why do you think it will affect your intelligence?

My intelligence is likely the best thing about me, so I get not wanting it messed with. But a doc I had who was truly wonderful has TMS in his practice and I've seen it work for some folks.

Also, welcome! You can say anything here and everyone will try their best to be helpful and supportive.

Doesn't it have the chance of messing with your memory and causing confusion?

I will say: intellect is overrated and mine is the main reason I am fucking PSYCHED to kill myself and soon

Lmao, I feel that so hard. Its both a curse and a blessing

 

[ctbUniquectb]

Lmao, I feel that so hard. Its both a curse and a blessing

You're going to have to make the sell that it's a blessing in any way, shape or form. (besides getting a job at Google)

all I ever heard was "faggot," or "freak" from guys and "go away loser" from women

 

[NonsenseTrash]

You're going to have to make the sell that it's a blessing in any way, shape or form. (besides getting a job at Google)

all I ever heard was "faggot," or "freak" from guys and "go away loser" from women

It has good uses for those who don't have it. People can use the intellect of others as pawns in their own lives.
However, I can see your point for those who do have it. It really has not a lot to offer, other than pain