I don’t want to feel anymore.

[ValkyrieCain]

My emotions have become my biggest barrier in life over the past couple of years; I've made many rash decision and choices based on immediate emotional responses without thinking them over.
The worse decisions I've made were during manic episodes; the choices and stuff I've done still affects my life till this day, even my finances, social life, and relationship with my family.

I always bottle up my emotions till it boils over on the inside, then I burst with the worse case of me entering a psychosis that last several days, I'd say my antidepressants medication made my psychosis episodes even worse and easier to trigger, and after each episode; reflecting on the things Ive done and said to people, brakes me down mentally.

Its a weird feeling during the psychosis ; i feel free, unbound, confidence in all the thoughts and ideas I formulate during that episode: I go around spreading them, to my friends , on social media, to my parents, my ideologies , and morals take a complete shift and i feel like I can express myself freely with my thoughts being the only thing that
mattered , i couldnt care less what or who got their feelings broken or hurt during the process. I felt like a God ? Somehow.

The worse thing is after the psychosis and manic episodes end and im left to myself thinking back about everything I've done and said. I start regretting it , knowing I cant take reverse what Ive done. It breaks me.

Everyone around me tells me Im crazy but i refuse to listen just telling myself that they dont understand.

I simply dont want to feel anymore. Im tired of thinking about the past constantly, telling myself how i could've conducted myself to avoid the mess that Im currently in today, how I couldve just kept my mouth shut and not say anything or just turned my phone off, staying away from social media or people, I know i cant change the past with the things I've done but it weighs down on me heavily on a daily basis , a heavyweight on my mind that I cant remove, always trailing after me wherever I go.

I've attempted to take my life three times in the past, at 13 , 15 and 18, two by overdosing, and one by a failed hanging. Id be lying if I said I didnt want to commit suicide again right now, but the only thing holding me back is the fear of God.

Committing then finding myself in hell burning ?
Thats been my biggest fear ever since I became religious during a manic episode I had a couple months ago. The religious aspect still binds me till this day.

So Ive decided, I dont want to feel any emotions anymore; my antidepressants managed this , venlafaxine and mirap, but it was only for a short while before the emotional numbness wore off.

I want to feel emotionally numb every single time, I need a solution to this , how can i permanently kill all my emotions? I believe this is the only way i can continue without being stuck in my head and feelings about the burdens of the past

My life is currently at the lowest point , all the progress Ive made over 3 years since Ive turned 18 is down the drain. Im not even back at square 1 or 0 in in the negatives.

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

I had a manic episode earlier this year with a period of psychosis, so I know how it feels. I ruined my life with the insane things I did, I will never recover from it.

After the mania wound down and I came back to Earth I had so much regret I couldn't live with myself. I never felt so bad in my life, all I could think about are mistakes I made and things I lost. It's emotional torture.

I don't know what to say about numbing those emotions other than meds. After 4 months of trial and error with different med combinations, I finally reached a point where my meds are strong enough to numb the pain. I'm on lithium and lurasidone. It feels weird, like emotions are faint and distanced.

The problem with my current meds is that as soon as they started helping with my emotions, they started creating horrible new problems with my sleep. Now I toss and turn all night long feeling miserable. I told my psychiatrist and she gave me a new prescription for quetiapine to replace the lurasidone. We'll have to see if this new combination works to help with emotions without the sleep issues or any other horrible side-effects.

Maybe it's possible to find a meds combo that's effective long-term without severe side-effects, but I certainly haven't found it yet.

 

[Judah]

Killing your emotions seems like an option, although I tried something similar but the result was not expected, because this added to my lack of common sense due to the fact that I am autistic and my mental instability makes few people want to be close to me, so I understand what you mean in many ways.

 

[ValkyrieCain]

Killing your emotions seems like an option, although I tried something similar but the result was not expected, because this added to my lack of common sense due to the fact that I am autistic and my mental instability makes few people want to be close to me, so I understand what you mean in many ways.

How did you manage to kill your emotions, antidepressants are the closest I got to emotional numbness, only lasted for a while.
I do understand you when you say your mental instability makes few people wanna be close to you, I tried the best to hide my instability from my friends and family till i had some episodes I couldnt control , now like my entire university mates and their group knows, my extended family knows and almost everyone I know , knows cause I went on ranting about delusions and bs on my social media :/

I had a manic episode earlier this year with a period of psychosis, so I know how it feels. I ruined my life with the insane things I did, I will never recover from it.

After the mania wound down and I came back to Earth I had so much regret I couldn't live with myself. I never felt so bad in my life, all I could think about are mistakes I made and things I lost. It's emotional torture.

I don't know what to say about numbing those emotions other than meds. After 4 months of trial and error with different med combinations, I finally reached a point where my meds are strong enough to numb the pain. I'm on lithium and lurasidone. It feels weird, like emotions are faint and distanced.

The problem with my current meds is that as soon as they started helping with my emotions, they started creating horrible new problems with my sleep. Now I toss and turn all night long feeling miserable. I told my psychiatrist and she gave me a new prescription for quetiapine to replace the lurasidone. We'll have to see if this new combination works to help with emotions without the sleep issues or any other horrible side-effects.

Maybe it's possible to find a meds combo that's effective long-term without severe side-effects, but I certainly haven't found it yet.

I feel like my meds enhanced my psychosis , before I started antidepressants, i had manic and depressive episodes , but the manic was an energy filled motivation type of manic , and the depressive epsiodes were really low crawl into a shell sleep on bed and not get up typa low . But i never experienced psychosis till after i got moved to 225 mg of venlafaxine and 30 mg mirap fot an extended period of time.

The regret part is the worst of it, knowing what you did clearly, then the realisation that you cant change the past paired with the irreversible damage that has been done especially if affects other people cause now theyll view you different; which they do me.

With the sleep part sometimes for mr when i was having issues with sleep thats when they prescibed mirap, its a trycilic but also acts as a sedative. Only downsides is the amount of sleep paralysis I experience.

Im fearing the trail and error phases of finding a cocktail that works for me. I gave up completely on meds.