Venting I don’t want to get better

[willitpass]

Being back in residential and in treatment again is just making me realize that I don't want to get better. I don't have the desire to change. I want to stay depressed and I want to kill myself. Being here is useless if I have no intent on changing. If I don't want to get better I am not going to get better. I am wasting a bed.

 

[motherofmahesh]

I hate that I know how you feel. At this point in my life I realize that I just don't want to get better anymore. I'm not sure what the reason is, but I do hope that something will make your future feel a little brighter for you someday.

 

[TheHolySword]

I don't want to either. And I realized last year that I really don't have to. I don't have to get better, I don't have to be better. I can accept this and I can choose to find peace instead.

 

[willitpass]

I can't stand this. Yet there's nothing I can do. It's not fair. I can't stand this.

 

[scaredalone]

I'm just too tired and broken to get better, I don't know if it would be possible even if I really tried. Nothing has worked so far. I don't really enjoy anything or see a future for myself, ideally someone would just kill me.

 

[ignorableaurochs]

I know how you feel. I'm sorry you're going through it, too. At some point after trying so many options, I know it can start to feel like nothing will work or that the effort is just too great. I definitely feel this way.

 

[dontwakemeup]

Being back in residential and in treatment again is just making me realize that I don't want to get better. I don't have the desire to change. I want to stay depressed and I want to kill myself. Being here is useless if I have no intent on changing. If I don't want to get better I am not going to get better. I am wasting a bed.

The fastest way out is not telling them what you wrote! I learned to accept my life and they couldn't help me. I begin to say everything they wanted to hear and was out in 3 days. But, make sure you look the part also. They watch closely how you look and also what you say. Thank them for everything, set fake goals that you look forward to. They are stupid anyway, they will believe anything you say. They really have this idea that they can save the world. It's all rubbish anyway

 

[kitia973]

The fastest way out is not telling them what you wrote! I learned to accept my life and they couldn't help me. I begin to say everything they wanted to hear and was out in 3 days. But, make sure you look the part also. They watch closely how you look and also what you say. Thank them for everything, set fake goals that you look forward to. They are stupid anyway, they will believe anything you say. They really have this idea that they can save the world. It's all rubbish anyway

Agreed. The best way to be released ASAP is to be cooperative as possible, but it can be difficult to keep the act looking genuine.

 

[Nadir]

Same. I feel ive been granted an exit. The rarest of opportunities that sees what a person is, sees how they work and sees theres no hope. I know if i do the same shit: job, house, partner, friends, good habits, i can "feel ok" and "live", what does that mean? It means you agree to your situation. It means you are complicit in your own torture. This life is a hell. It is suffering as a constant motivator. No matter how much you solve new types will arise to push you forward, like a cattle prod. It is knowing youll die and its all meant nothing and still act as if that isnt true. To leave is against the survival programming and yet, it is EVERYTHING we attempt to achieve- no problems, everything is solved, end of suffering. If your life is empty enough to not have anything keeping you here i think you take the exit because the chance is so rare. I hope i can follow through next time. Next time ill set things up so theres no delay, i just go into the room and swallow the drink and be done. Ive already figured out the morality and think this is fair. I never asked to be here, no one does, ive had a bad enough time, ive given my family what i could but this is for me.

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

Being back in residential and in treatment again is just making me realize that I don't want to get better. I don't have the desire to change. I want to stay depressed and I want to kill myself. Being here is useless if I have no intent on changing. If I don't want to get better I am not going to get better. I am wasting a bed.

I get this. Sometimes I think that getting worse is the way. So bad it drives you to do it. Because if it gets better you know it will come back round again and you just wanna get off.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I do want to get better but have tried everything and no longer believe it is possible. My depression seems to be terminal.

Same. I feel ive been granted an exit. The rarest of opportunities that sees what a person is, sees how they work and sees theres no hope. I know if i do the same shit: job, house, partner, friends, good habits, i can "feel ok" and "live", what does that mean? It means you agree to your situation. It means you are complicit in your own torture. This life is a hell. It is suffering as a constant motivator. No matter how much you solve new types will arise to push you forward, like a cattle prod. It is knowing youll die and its all meant nothing and still act as if that isnt true. To leave is against the survival programming and yet, it is EVERYTHING we attempt to achieve- no problems, everything is solved, end of suffering. If your life is empty enough to not have anything keeping you here i think you take the exit because the chance is so rare. I hope i can follow through next time. Next time ill set things up so theres no delay, i just go into the room and swallow the drink and be done. Ive already figured out the morality and think this is fair. I never asked to be here, no one does, ive had a bad enough time, ive given my family what i could but this is for me.

Well written. I never thought of suffering as a motivator, but you're right. I wish you peace in whatever you decide

 

[human909]

I know, i don't even think one second about me heading back to reality (recovery) I mean what is the point of that?

 

[RiverOfLife]

I know. I want to stay functional now because I have a dog to take care of, but she is elderly and when she goes I can go.
And I don't believe I will ever get better enough to make living worthwhile.

 

[willitpass]

I don't want to set myself on fire but there is no other option. I have to get out of this. God help me.

 

[donttalktome]

I don't want to go through more of this life either. Good thing I don't have a choice and prolonged survival is impossible.

 

[willitpass]

Lost it in therapy today. Sobbed about how I don't even want to be in treatment, I don't want to get better, and I'm sick of everyone telling me I have to keep fighting for MY life when I don't even want it. All I got was bullshit therapy talk about how she doesn't want me to ruminate so she's not going to continue the conversation and what coping skills would I like to use. I said none of them and we ended the session with me walking out to go cry in my room.

 

[ceilng_tile]

Thank you for telling these people the truth instead of playing into their little game. Every time someone swallows their pride and lies about feeling better so they can get discharged it just reinforces their beliefs about what benevolent saviors they are. Then they continue to play this game where they imprison and gaslight people "for their own good" and nothing ever changes. They can't treat people this way and expect them to get better. You deserve treatment from people who will actually listen to you and not just invalidate everything you say because it's "rumination."

 

[willitpass]

Another shitty day today. Met with the psychiatrist and talked about how I don't want to be here, don't want to be alive, and am sick of having to fight for my own life. He offered to adjust my meds and I declined. He said "I'm sorry you're having a tough week, I'll meet with you next week" and that was that. I'm so chronically unwell here I don't even get extra support when things are going rough because they just expect that from me at this point. I've been told I'm a liability being here because of how high my suicidal thoughts are and how dangerous my plan is. I don't know what comes next once they realize I'm not getting better, but all I can hope it that it is a situation where I'm able to CTB.

 

[willitpass]

One of the people on my team met with me this evening after I put that I'm suicidal as fuck on my paper during afternoon group. He's the only person on my team that I feel truly understands what I need and acknowledges my feelings. He doesn't have the answers and obviously can't say that I should be able to CTB, but doesn't tell me it's invalid to feel the way I do or shut down conversations when they "aren't therapeutic" or "rumination". He didn't have any magical words to say or answers on how to fix me, but pulled me aside to say that he hears me and he wants me to know that he is always willing to sit down and talk. I wish more people were like him. Admitting when they don't have the answers but saying that they see you. They see your pain. They hear your pain. That while they can't agree with your views on suicide they understand why you hold them.