v0id
my brain has claimed its glory over me
- Jul 12, 2023
- 14
i've suspected that i have a high-functioning depression for a while now. i fucking hate it. once i tried to be honest on my mental health assessment just before i enter my uni this year. the university doctor said that my results were that of those who have severe depression, and i had to go to a psychiatrist to see that i am fit to enroll. my parents were confused as to why.
i tried to speak to my mom about one of the many reasons why i am the way i am and she denied all of it. she said she never did what she did when i was a child. needless to say, something in me cracked, and i knew i won't be able to get through her.
my dad told me it was impossible that i am depressed. he said that i am high achieving since i was a kid, and that mentally ill people can't do that. he said that i've been doing great so i have no reason to be ill. i felt genuinely sick.
they just can't take the sign. they have seen my cuts when i cut myself back then. multiple times, even. i smoked cigarettes in my room. i stayed in my room for the longest time. they're in denial that i am fucked. that i am not the child they knew anymore. and it hurts.
when my psych appointment happened, the dr asked for my mother to be present with me. i hated every second of it. i lied all throughout. i felt guilty because of the bills. and i just can't be honest when my mother is just beside me. when the dr asked her what she thought about me, she told her some shallow fucking stuff that she thought made me "sad".
i am so tired. i want to self destruct to make them see how fucked i really am. i want to give in. i want to ruin myself further. i can't function like this forever. i am tired of living everyday hanging by a thread.
recently, i achieved a major feat. i felt good for a while. i felt the worst the following days. there will be more expectations of me. i thought that i was already immune to those expectations but i already felt like i am a failure. i just can't help my defeatist tendencies. i just keep ruining things for myself.
i still have no long-term plans for this body. i don't know how long i can still keep up. it has been like this for years. my tiredness is beyond saving.
i tried to speak to my mom about one of the many reasons why i am the way i am and she denied all of it. she said she never did what she did when i was a child. needless to say, something in me cracked, and i knew i won't be able to get through her.
my dad told me it was impossible that i am depressed. he said that i am high achieving since i was a kid, and that mentally ill people can't do that. he said that i've been doing great so i have no reason to be ill. i felt genuinely sick.
they just can't take the sign. they have seen my cuts when i cut myself back then. multiple times, even. i smoked cigarettes in my room. i stayed in my room for the longest time. they're in denial that i am fucked. that i am not the child they knew anymore. and it hurts.
when my psych appointment happened, the dr asked for my mother to be present with me. i hated every second of it. i lied all throughout. i felt guilty because of the bills. and i just can't be honest when my mother is just beside me. when the dr asked her what she thought about me, she told her some shallow fucking stuff that she thought made me "sad".
i am so tired. i want to self destruct to make them see how fucked i really am. i want to give in. i want to ruin myself further. i can't function like this forever. i am tired of living everyday hanging by a thread.
recently, i achieved a major feat. i felt good for a while. i felt the worst the following days. there will be more expectations of me. i thought that i was already immune to those expectations but i already felt like i am a failure. i just can't help my defeatist tendencies. i just keep ruining things for myself.
i still have no long-term plans for this body. i don't know how long i can still keep up. it has been like this for years. my tiredness is beyond saving.
