Just as recently as a couple days ago I was on this website trying to encourage people to live on and continue in their recovery journeys, but recent developments have made me absolutely hopeless that I'll ever be able to have a life worth living. I started hormonally transitioning to female about six months ago and I'm unsatisfied with my body and appearance to the point of perpetual disgust. I can't even look myself in the mirror anymore. I don't say this to discourage anyone else in the transition process and I'm sure other trans people understand how difficult transition is and have the resources and constitution to bear the adversity of it all, but I realize now I don't. I came into this journey knowing that it might kill me, or save me and I believe it's starting to kill me. I want to do it on my own terms now. I'm saying all this so I can hopefully connect with some other queer people who are planning on ctb. I need resources and I'll wait if I have to. This life isn't for me.
Please reach out to me if you are queer, or trans and thinking of ctb.
Best to all of you.
you are able to change your mind on whether to be trans, there's nothing wrong with that
it's also okay to be an effeminate gay guy and say if you had gotten puberty blockers earlier and hormones earlier and didn't have to do expensive surgeries you would want to transition, but since it's expensive and difficult you're just going to stay gay and a bottom and non-binary
i'm gay and pretty much never top. i don't know if i would have been trans had I grown up in today's climate. I know I liked pink and nail polish as a young boy and I was taught that it was bad. However, over time, being socialized to be a guy impacted me to so that I genuinely don't want to be a female now, I am just really gay and effeminate. But I am also chronically unhappy, and had I had been socialized differently and had puberty blockers and female hormones at a young age perhaps I wouldn't be on this site. It's hard to know if I would have ended up trans.
I have never wanted a female body, to my recollection, never wanted boobs and hips and softer skin and girly features. I still don't. That probably means I am not trans. But anal sex is sort of painful and gross to me. And male to female surgery, which I'm not interested, in, sounds painful, risky, and terribly scary if it goes wrong.
The worst thing is, being trans must be so extraordinarily hard already, such a hard journey, even without shitty people, but you have so many terrible mean despicable religious pieces of shit who will hate on you and will be as cruel as possible because their magical fantasy religion book tells them it's okay. Fuck those pieces of religious trash.
If you transition as a 18+ male, it's really hard to deal with the facial bone changes that have happened already. There's facial feminization surgery but it's expensive and doesn't change all facial ratios.
Have you thought about meetup groups for trans people in transition? I'm pro-choice, but I wish the world were kinder to trans people.
It's also possible if you continue your transformation and get facial feminization surgery and keep taking hormones you'll like your appearance better. I am not trans and don't even consider myself non-binary, and I think you should do a meetup group online with trans people.
You can share your suicidal feelings here but get more support from the trans community. Actually ending it is an emotionally hard journey and unless you have extreme intent, nerves of steel, or psychosis, it's often very hard to do.
There is also apparently a trans suicide hotline that is really good, according to another post. I am pro-choice but hope you stay alive and end up happy.
