Story I feel like a manipulative piece of shit...

[Anonymous1997ES]

The cuts weren't enough, and the risperidone at most could've made me pass out for a day...

I made my family cry, I made them feel guilty and in a horrible way too...

It was a misunderstading, thinking I was losing a friend, was probably a misunderstanding, like my brain tends to do sometimes...

I broke my family's trust, I couldn't see another path but CTB... And now I have to hide the wrist scars until they've healed enough to avoid others being suspicious... Why couldn't I think more clearly?

Had I truly wanted to die, I would have jumped or at least put myself in front of a high speed bus or something like that...

If some of my friends or other family members see this... What could I tell them to not make them feel bad, that it wasn't their fault at all?

Why didn't I think about how would others feel before taking such drastic choice?

Now... I think I have to live, if not for me, then for those precious people I have left instead... Been going to a psychologist who focuses on self-love and acceptance but... I don't think I could fully love myself, at least not now, when I've made so many people suffer because of my selfishness...

 

[Justnyc]

I broke my family trust and broke my mom heart but I couldn't help myself just did stupid things an losten to the wrong people

 

[noaccount]

I'm sorry it seemed like you were losing a friend, it can be awful whether or not that's what winds up actually happening, I understand being desperate because of that. You deserve for that to be treated as understandable. We're here. <3

 

[Anonymous1997ES]

I broke my family trust and broke my mom heart but I couldn't help myself just did stupid things an losten to the wrong people

Sorry to hear that Justnyc, if you need someone to talk to I'll do my best to support you, okay?

I'm sorry it seemed like you were losing a friend, it can be awful whether or not that's what winds up actually happening, I understand being desperate because of that. You deserve for that to be treated as understandable. We're here. <3

Thanks for that support noaccount, it really means a lot.

Have been reflecting and, while this doesn't apply to everyone, at least in my case... Dying won't solve anything.

Dying won't get my friendships back, dying won't fix my reputation with others, dying won't do anything else but spare me pain, but crushing many lives in the process...

I messed up, and probably made bad choices... But I at least have the right to talk about them, to apologize to those I disappointed and so on, because this is about healing their hearts in the case my actions hurt them, not about reconciling or something similar...

It's like a quote from Flashpoint Paradox... Accept the things you can't change, be brave to change the ones you can, and learn how to act depending on the situation...

I could have died had I waited 15 more minutes, because I couldn't have been able to get up thanks to the risperidone, or at least I would've needed medical atention...

Yesterday... I had the courage of talking to those former best friends, and apologize if my actions caused them grief or suffering... Funny thing that it took me a near death attempt to find strength to do so...

 

[justsayin]

You can think of the whole thing as a learning experience, and of those scars as a reminder. Next time you find yourself in a similar state of mind, you will look at them and stop yourself from making new ones.

 

[Anonymous1997ES]

You can think of the whole thing as a learning experience, and of those scars as a reminder. Next time you find yourself in a similar state of mind, you will look at them and stop yourself from making new ones.

Roger, even though they're scarring now, I won't commit self harm ever again...

 

[tabletop]

I dont think you were being manipulative. I didnt see anything about trying to get anything from someone else nor trying to change someone elses behavior.

 

[Kattt]

The cuts weren't enough, and the risperidone at most could've made me pass out for a day...

I made my family cry, I made them feel guilty and in a horrible way too...

It was a misunderstading, thinking I was losing a friend, was probably a misunderstanding, like my brain tends to do sometimes...

I broke my family's trust, I couldn't see another path but CTB... And now I have to hide the wrist scars until they've healed enough to avoid others being suspicious... Why couldn't I think more clearly?

Had I truly wanted to die, I would have jumped or at least put myself in front of a high speed bus or something like that...

If some of my friends or other family members see this... What could I tell them to not make them feel bad, that it wasn't their fault at all?

Why didn't I think about how would others feel before taking such drastic choice?

Now... I think I have to live, if not for me, then for those precious people I have left instead... Been going to a psychologist who focuses on self-love and acceptance but... I don't think I could fully love myself, at least not now, when I've made so many people suffer because of my selfishness...

I know my dad has had an incredibly difficult life. He saw his little sister decapitated by a truck as she was running to him for help. Then he has to sit across a table from me in prison, knowing the oly reason i would ever wear a poloneck is because i cut my throat.
I despise what I have put him through and promised never to hurt him again. How could I have done such horrible things to a man who gave everything for me?
All he ever wanted was for me to be happy. I couldn't even do that.
The most important thing to do is to give them a big hug and say you love them. We all assume it's known but those words mean so much

 

[Anonymous1997ES]

I know my dad has had an incredibly difficult life. He saw his little sister decapitated by a truck as she was running to him for help. Then he has to sit across a table from me in prison, knowing the oly reason i would ever wear a poloneck is because i cut my throat.
I despise what I have put him through and promised never to hurt him again. How could I have done such horrible things to a man who gave everything for me?
All he ever wanted was for me to be happy. I couldn't even do that.
The most important thing to do is to give them a big hug and say you love them. We all assume it's known but those words mean so much

Sorry to hear that... About your dad losing your aunt, and the feelings you felt while doing so...

I guess... We both felt we were in a flaming building, and our choice were either letting the flames consume us or jumping to avoid being scorched to death...

Let's both do that, okay? Let's both hug our loved ones and tell them that we will fight for them. Thanks for the reply, it meant a lot.