Help i feel like i need permission to wait

[figtree]

i have been suicidal for well over a decade. planned a few times, plans fell through. just shitty life in general, don't need too go into it.

anyway, this time last year something happened that effectively ruined (what was left of) my entire life forever. i've had some magical thinking around this date and had decided i would honor that suffering by finally leaving the world on the day my world "ended."

i have my supplies and have had the motel booked for over a month. the problem is, as a get closer to the date, i feel so panicked and out of touch with reality (due to reliving the trauma). this means i have not been able to do things i really wanted to, like writing notes and cleaning and getting things in order. i dont want to rush into it and mess things up, makin my situation worse.

the motel is cancellable by a certain approaching date. i know i can kill myself in the future when i am in a better frame of mind. what if i'm just a coward? i feel like i need permission to wait because i feel so invalid for even considering "putting it off"

sorry if this doesn''t make sense or is annoying. i'm jst really struggling

 

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

It's an important choice. You deserve all of the time you need to situate things as you see fit. I'm unfamiliar with you're story or situation, but I imagine the only person making the deadline is you. Even if you change your mind, it shouldn't matter how others see your choice. It's important that we don't feel pressured by the expectations of others in this important choice. Take the time you need.

 

[killmesoftly]

please don't feel obligated to ctb if you don't feel the time is right. it's totally understandable to be in a place where you're too overwhelmed to make the necessary preparations, and you deserve your death to be as you wish. if that means waiting for a better time there's absolutely no shame in that, hell theres no shame in deciding you want to live either. (I'm not trying to be a prolifer but I also don't believe in hastily ctbing, I think there is hope for some people out there and there's nothing wrong with trying to find it for yourself). <3

 

[Forever Sleep]

I absolutely think you should wait if you don't feel quite ready. You're bound to feel weird when the date arrives. You may even regret not doing it when the date arrives but personally, I'd also want to be in a calmer state when I commit and, have my affairs in order. Like you say- the choice will still be there in the future. In a way, if you put off doing it this time around, if that ends up making you feel really annoyed with yourself once the date passes, it may solidify your decision either way and motivate you either way. I think you should give yourself permission to follow your heart/ gut/ instincts- whatever you want to call it.

 

[figtree]

thank you everyone for your empathy and wise responses. i am working up the courage to make the cancellation and revisit things when i'm in a more coherent state of mind

 

[figtree]

i cancelled on monday and i already regret it. several more major things in life have fallen apart. i wouldn't have needed to write notes to anyone because i have no one and no one gives a shit. (i still appreciate the responses i just hate myself)