Venting I feel like I'll never be a real woman, even though I was born as one

[peerlesscucumber]

I'm biologically a woman, I'm not trans nor intersex, but I've always felt as though there was something wrong with my identity as one.

I've never allowed myself to be girly because I feel like I'm not worthy of it. I feel as if I'm not worthy of womanhood and I don't know why.

I don't know if it has to do with me being attracted to women. Maybe it also has to do with the fact that I'm repulsed by men somehow??

Sometimes I blame it on me not being attractive in any way (to neither gender), but then I remember that I've never once doubted of another woman's worthiness because of their looks or biology or whatever (not even if they're trans, which confuses me even more).

It just feels like every woman I've met, no matter how old or how young, they always carry this air of pride. They're always so graceful with the way they look of the way the move, and it's something that I've never been able to do myself.

I'm ugly and brutish and rotten and somehow that has to do with me and my womanhood and I don't know what to do.

I've told my friends this and not a single one has ever told me they have had a similar experience, cis trans gay lesbian, no one has ever been able to agree with me and my feelings and I genuinely wonder just what the hell is wrong with me

 

[Makoto]

Don't tell this to a psychologist/therapist... they will tell you that you are a trans man, and your doubts about your indetity will be even bigger. This is how they magically solve all problems nowadays.

I don't want to get into your personal life(I guess that would be inappropriate.)... but have you suffered some kind of trauma? I apologize if the question is too bold, you don't have to answer if you don't want to.

 

[peerlesscucumber]

Don't tell this to a psychologist/therapist... they will tell you that you are a trans man, and your doubts about your indetity will be even bigger. This is how they magically solve all problems nowadays.

I don't want to get into your personal life(I guess that would be inappropriate.)... but have you suffered some kind of trauma? I apologize if the question is too bold, you don't have to answer if you don't want to.

Yeah I'm aware of the trans part, thats why I tend to keep it to myself since people just assume my problem is the complete opposite of what I'm feeling

And yes, I guess I have suffered some trauma. I was SA'd by my great grandma when I was a teen and got groomed online too.
Do you think that would have anything to do with my problem?

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

The only qualification for being a woman is: be born female. That's it. You have nothing to "prove," no "worthiness" that needs demonstrating. By mere fact of your biology, you're as womanly as they come.

Reminding myself of that has been what's helped me, at least. But I know it's easier said than done, and I know there's a very real sense in which we're made to feel lesser for not having "femininity" come easy. I'm not sure how none of your friends have had this experience though because from what I've seen, it's actually a pretty common feeling. I can guarantee you that many of those women who you perceive as having an effortless air of pride about them have actually felt deeply insecure about their womanhood on the inside. Women who struggle with being a woman -- we are legion, there's absolutely nothing "wrong" with you. But I think you'll find that in most cases, it's something that gets ironed out with age. Hugs.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I can partly relate on this. I was always a Tom boy. I felt disgusted by girly things- dresses and dolls and the colour pink. I never wanted to be girly and as I grew, I felt similarly about being feminine. Petite and delicate and elegant. I never had the bone structure for all that. I always felt like it was either forcing weakness on women- it's difficult to do as much physically in tight clothes, high heels and make up or, it was simply enticing men to do stuff for them and I didn't have the looks for all that. (That's my personal view on it- which I realise may well be weirdly skewed. I'm not calling women who choose lool like that weak.)

I never wanted to be a man though either really. Even though I don't like being female. Especially the biology side of it all- periods and all that but, I didn't really feel at odds with my body. I just didn't take enough care of it to be attractive.

Neither am I gay- which I think would make more sense. I used to joke with a friend that I may actually be a gay man deep down. I never seemed to feel attracted enough to femininity and other women to want to emulate it/ them and I've fancied lots of gay guys. Lol.

But, just to try and reassure you- we're all different. I think it was Richard O'Brien who said we are all partly male and partly female. Anyhow- screw conformity! I'm just glad we at least live in an era where it's more acceptable. Where my Grandma moved to after newly being married, there was a neighbour a few doors down who used to raise a lot of eyebrows because she wore trousers rather than pretty dresses. I dread to think what they'd make of me!