Venting I feel like I'm Alien software installed on Human hardware.

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

I try so hard everyday to relate to other people, I can be empathetic , I can be sad when I see them suffering but I just can't relate to them. It's like I'm sailing a 1400's ship into the ocean with instructions written to me on a paper towel in binary code that I don't know how to read and top of that I don't even like ships or oceans to begin with. This is one of the top 3 reasons I don't want to live personally, everything my body wants or does to "protect me" , everything the human experience comprises I just don't want it, I don't.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

Agreed, I'm stuck on the wrong planet and I need to go home so badly. I hate it here. I am hated

 

[s00ngone]

I try so hard everyday to relate to other people, I can be empathetic , I can be sad when I see them suffering but I just can't relate to them. It's like I'm sailing a 1400's ship into the ocean with instructions written to me on a paper towel in binary code that I don't know how to read and top of that I don't even like ships or oceans to begin with. This is one of the top 3 reasons I don't want to live personally, everything my body wants or does to "protect me" , everything the human experience comprises I just don't want it, I don't.

Likewise. There's just something missing, or distant, or distorted in the way I can't seem to get on board with the expectation to be human the way others seem to so naturally.

I wasn't always this jaded and done with living. I would've told you I had hope even a year or two ago, though I was lonely and depressed and alienated. But I'm not even pretending anymore beyond the bare minimum. I lie about how I spend my time and my money. I have no desire or intention to prolong my life anymore.

I once described myself to a friend as a "hyperspecific symbiote that can only connect with members of my own species" or something along those lines. It makes me sad to say that, to remember myself as a little kid and know I'm "giving up" on him, but I think he'd understand.

 

[squirrels]

I was diagnosed with OSDD-1 a few years ago. It feels that way when I dissociate badly but seems to not happen when I have good periods. Bad periods seem to be where everything starts to feel distant and alien to me.

 

[Archness]

Honestly one of the rare times I immediately "Understood", ironically enough.
Yeah I don't feel human at all sometimes, esp since I'm autistic.
Consistently just acting or moving "Automatically", and looking back at my past is always like remembering dreams.
All those pictures family used to take with me are effectively worthless now. I don't even want to see them.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

Honestly one of the rare times I immediately "Understood", ironically enough.
Yeah I don't feel human at all sometimes, esp since I'm autistic.
Consistently just acting or moving "Automatically", and looking back at my past is always like remembering dreams.
All those pictures family used to take with me are effectively worthless now. I don't even want to see them.

I relate to this - autism really feels like life is so surreal and being trapped and I hate it

 

[steveholt]

I understand ... ive tried to connect with the world and the people withinn it ...but i feel like an outsider beacause i see it in a different way..from the true perspective and tbats physics .. its the only thing that makes sense to me

 

[HeinzKell]

I completely understand. You're able to talk to other people but you can't quite... click.

 

[wondering&wandering]

That's actually a really good way of putting it. Extremely relatable. I feel like despite my efforts nothing makes sense. People are confusing. Or maybe I'm actually the confusing one.

Altough, I will say I differ from you in that I'm wanting to have the human experience, or at least to feel safe and loved and valued in a friendship(s). I feel like people were made to be in loving community with each other, but something's gone terribly wrong.

Thanks for sharing.

Agreed, I'm stuck on the wrong planet and I need to go home so badly. I hate it here. I am hated

I'm sorry to hear you feel that way. It can indeed feel like this is the wrong planet, or as I see it a messed up version of what it should/could be.

I'll just say that I've found that when one hates one is prone to receive and feel hated (I know I'm a bit of a hypocrite at times especially now). Not saying loving is easy, especially when it feels like it does nothing at times, but hopefully you can find ways to love more, and in turn hopefully be loved more. Hate destroys; love builds up.

Wishing you the best.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

It's not a question of hating anyone - it's that there's only so much masking and small talk I can do before getting exhausted and overwhelmed.

I went to meet a few folks from a local Discord at a local bar, and for the first little bit we had a great time, and I felt happy - like this is what it's like to have friends, maybe. I could start to see them checking their phones and a few of them mentioned "yeah, we're hanging out with another friend now" (both of them had the same line). So it's like we were all just having a laugh before a bus stop and the bus came, and they went to their real destination and I went home. I would have been happy to hang out another couple of hours, but they got board. It was all just pre-gaming to go to their real friends.

I am no longer going to do that. I'm planning to leave the U.S. so I focus on my goals and stop having ties here. There is no point.

 

[Iced_Tea_Lemonade]

I relate to this - autism really feels like life is so surreal and being trapped and I hate it

I relate to this really badly. I heard somewhere that being traumatized can turn into a form of neurodivergence. Also i'm autistic as fuck

 

[wondering&wandering]

It's not a question of hating anyone - it's that there's only so much masking and small talk I can do before getting exhausted and overwhelmed.

To an extent I see what you mean. But still, hate is hate, and if one hates something it tends to bleed into other areas.

I went to meet a few folks from a local Discord at a local bar, and for the first little bit we had a great time, and I felt happy - like this is what it's like to have friends, maybe. I could start to see them checking their phones and a few of them mentioned "yeah, we're hanging out with another friend now" (both of them had the same line). So it's like we were all just having a laugh before a bus stop and the bus came, and they went to their real destination and I went home. I would have been happy to hang out another couple of hours, but they got board. It was all just pre-gaming to go to their real friends.

I see. Hmm. I feel like the concept of having friends is something that I've personally put too much...I can't think of the word...high and unrealistic expectations? Most people are selfish and will leave you not for others per se, but for themselves. If they determine they can enjoy themselves with someone other than us, it's more because they value their own enjoyment in the short term rather than seeing the long term value a friendship would bring to both themselves AND someone else.

At least, that's how I see it.

And like, if you had friends/people who desired you and wanted to engage with you, perhaps you, too, might have found that that meet-up was pre-gaming. Just something to think about. It's less a reflection on your value to others and more a reflection on how much value others put into puttimg themselves before others.

I am no longer going to do that. I'm planning to leave the U.S. so I focus on my goals and stop having ties here. There is no point.

That's fair. Relatable.
I wish you the best.
I feel like there's always a point to interacting with others, yet at the same time I think I know what you mean.