Kadaver
let death be kinder than man
- Aug 11, 2023
- 128
I'm so fucking lonely. I feel like there's a hole in my chest, dark and fermenting, that gets bigger and bigger every time I realize it with no way for me to be able to stop it.
I miss my best friend so fucking badly that I just want to die. I don't ever really hear from him anymore. He texts me very rarely and never a full conversation. Just picking one of the things I've said to him over his absence to respond to. Then I'm lucky if I can get him to text back.
He texted me about thirty minutes ago and I felt so fucking happy. Everytime I see his username and profile picture pop up I feel like the hole in my chest is gone.
Six words. I've texted him like nine times over the past two weeks; messages of various lengths and importance to me and all he could spare was two messages—only responding to my most recent message. I could fucking feel my heart twisting in my chest as the seconds ebbed on and I realised he wasn't going to text back—That was it. He's online, and has been the majority of the times I've tried to talk, but he just doesn't care to speak with me. I have nothing to say that he is even vaguely interested in hearing.
My dad is away on a cruise and my sister will be working for half the day and all I want to do is kill myself while I'm alone. But I know if I do my dad would never stop blaming himself for leaving me while I was like this. I have to wait, I owe him that. At the same time part of me wants to tell my best friend that my dad is gone so maybe he'll give a shit, but I also don't want him to worry. I don't want to stress him out or be a burden again which is also the reason why I wont tell him how much his silence is hurting me.
He's always online and he never has an issue with texting his girlfriend back. I get that I'm not his partner but I fucking hate her. I wish I could go back in time and stop them from ever fucking meeting. Not even because of who she is but because of how my friend has consistently put her above me ever since they met. I can understand sometimes but when I just got out of the fucking mental hospital that he forcefully put me in can he at least pretend to give a shit?!
When we met we were interested in each other romantically and we texted constantly but ever since he's realized he only wants me as a friend he never responds to anything I say. Since then every romantic interest has taken priority over me to the point where my dad got diagnosed with fucking cancer and he couldn't pull himself away from playing Minecraft with a girl he would end up loathing. He then called me later to vent about how she had hurt his feelings or whatever.
He doesn't even remember doing that to me.
When he needed me I fucking bought a plane ticket within the week to be there for him and when I tried to kill myself he ignored me, spent every fucking moment with his fucking bitch of a girlfriend, and then sent me back to live with my father because I was "stressing him out."
He used have panic attacks literally constantly. Every time he ate and went to bed he would freak out and I never minded—i held and comforted him EVERY time.
Maybe I'm not being fair to him. He paid for my meds and doctor's appointments and therapy, then decided that I hadn't tried hard enough in therapy and the therapist talked shit about me behind my back. But I feel like when I needed him he chose someone else and I fucking despise her for it.
I know I've made bad choices; I wasn't always a good friend and sometimes I was extremely selfish and entitled. But holy fuck did I really deserve that?? Do I deserve this? I can't fucking clear my head anymore. All I can think about is how much I'm struggling. The guy I used to be in love with, who betrayed me, I maliciously stalked and taunted anonymously until he deleted his account, and while I know he deserved it after what he did to me I can't help but feel like Its not the only reason I'm doing this. I have no other outlet for my anger or sadness so tormenting that piece of shit will have to do.
I miss my best friend so fucking badly that I just want to die. I don't ever really hear from him anymore. He texts me very rarely and never a full conversation. Just picking one of the things I've said to him over his absence to respond to. Then I'm lucky if I can get him to text back.
He texted me about thirty minutes ago and I felt so fucking happy. Everytime I see his username and profile picture pop up I feel like the hole in my chest is gone.
Six words. I've texted him like nine times over the past two weeks; messages of various lengths and importance to me and all he could spare was two messages—only responding to my most recent message. I could fucking feel my heart twisting in my chest as the seconds ebbed on and I realised he wasn't going to text back—That was it. He's online, and has been the majority of the times I've tried to talk, but he just doesn't care to speak with me. I have nothing to say that he is even vaguely interested in hearing.
My dad is away on a cruise and my sister will be working for half the day and all I want to do is kill myself while I'm alone. But I know if I do my dad would never stop blaming himself for leaving me while I was like this. I have to wait, I owe him that. At the same time part of me wants to tell my best friend that my dad is gone so maybe he'll give a shit, but I also don't want him to worry. I don't want to stress him out or be a burden again which is also the reason why I wont tell him how much his silence is hurting me.
He's always online and he never has an issue with texting his girlfriend back. I get that I'm not his partner but I fucking hate her. I wish I could go back in time and stop them from ever fucking meeting. Not even because of who she is but because of how my friend has consistently put her above me ever since they met. I can understand sometimes but when I just got out of the fucking mental hospital that he forcefully put me in can he at least pretend to give a shit?!
When we met we were interested in each other romantically and we texted constantly but ever since he's realized he only wants me as a friend he never responds to anything I say. Since then every romantic interest has taken priority over me to the point where my dad got diagnosed with fucking cancer and he couldn't pull himself away from playing Minecraft with a girl he would end up loathing. He then called me later to vent about how she had hurt his feelings or whatever.
He doesn't even remember doing that to me.
When he needed me I fucking bought a plane ticket within the week to be there for him and when I tried to kill myself he ignored me, spent every fucking moment with his fucking bitch of a girlfriend, and then sent me back to live with my father because I was "stressing him out."
He used have panic attacks literally constantly. Every time he ate and went to bed he would freak out and I never minded—i held and comforted him EVERY time.
Maybe I'm not being fair to him. He paid for my meds and doctor's appointments and therapy, then decided that I hadn't tried hard enough in therapy and the therapist talked shit about me behind my back. But I feel like when I needed him he chose someone else and I fucking despise her for it.
I know I've made bad choices; I wasn't always a good friend and sometimes I was extremely selfish and entitled. But holy fuck did I really deserve that?? Do I deserve this? I can't fucking clear my head anymore. All I can think about is how much I'm struggling. The guy I used to be in love with, who betrayed me, I maliciously stalked and taunted anonymously until he deleted his account, and while I know he deserved it after what he did to me I can't help but feel like Its not the only reason I'm doing this. I have no other outlet for my anger or sadness so tormenting that piece of shit will have to do.