Venting I feel my recovery is pointless, I’m destined to end my life.

[25jiyuki]

This year I've worked so hard to be in recovery. I got therapy, put on medication, and found close friends to talk to. All of it is meaningless, isn't it?

After all that, all it takes is a small reminder of my trauma, and I relapse again. I want to die. I'm constantly stuck in this loop. Going back and forth from suicidal to genuinely wanting to recover. It's hell. I feel like past versions of myself have died multiple times in my life already. What's the point of trying to appreciate living?

After all this work I've done on myself, killing myself is still the final path. That's where everything I've done can lead to, just because of a trigger. How cruel is that? Why does this kind of pain exist? I'm so sick of myself..

Maybe I should just get it over with. All the people who've supported me so far would get over it. I'm sure, I am company easy to replace. There's so much heaviness in my chest I feel like I'm being crushed. It's too cruel to go on like this. I just can't.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

If you are easy to replace in their eyes, then those people didn't deserve you. They are less than scum.

I know, believe me I know and I wish I didn't, I go maybe a day or two without being reminded of the things that happened to me; as soon as I stop having a game to play or something to watch or if I see someone talk about a certain subject I just remember it all and sometimes it's so bad it's the first thing I think about when I wake up.

Then only rage , sadness and apathy take place and I can't, my head hurts, my muscles hurt, I want to go back to sleep and I can't , I want to cry and I can't, I want to vomit and I can't. I can't do this everyday, the anger and hopelessness is just too much. And no matter what I do it's still there in the back of my mind for the remainder of the day and the next and the next.

 

[emptymiku]

i get how you feel. also, hi mafuyu.

 

[25jiyuki]

i get how you feel. also, hi mafuyu.

Hi. I think I've seen 6-7 Nightcord icons on this site now, lol.

If you are easy to replace in their eyes, then those people didn't deserve you. They are less than scum.

I know, believe me I know and I wish I didn't, I go maybe a day or two without being reminded of the things that happened to me; as soon as I stop having a game to play or something to watch or if I see someone talk about a certain subject I just remember it all and sometimes it's so bad it's the first thing I think about when I wake up.

Then only rage , sadness and apathy take place and I can't, my head hurts, my muscles hurt, I want to go back to sleep and I can't , I want to cry and I can't, I want to vomit and I can't. I can't do this everyday, the anger and hopelessness is just too much. And no matter what I do it's still there in the back of my mind for the remainder of the day and the next and the next.

I feel exactly how you described in the last paragraph. It feels like no matter how much time passes, my past will end up killing me. I wonder why life is this way.

 

[girl interrupted]

I have the exact same feelings as you. I'm haunted by my past. By awful things done to me and awful things I have done. I just want to make it go away.