I really understand, I also feel so trapped in this torturous, futile existence and I always suffer so much from how I cannot just have the option to just peacefully cease existing in an guaranteed way with no more suffering. I see so much cruelty in how such is denied for me with the suffering and torture of human existence seen as to force and prolong no matter what, it's all so dreadful to me and I wish I was never forced into this horrific anti-suicide world more than anything, all I want is to not exist, I only envy those who no longer suffer in this existence, I hope you find peace.