Hello,
I'll try to give you a brief story and also want to ask for some factual assistance.
I am 25, I've been lonely for 23 years before. I was in a relationship for 6 years, but still felt that way. At the end of 2021, I met the girl of my dreams. For the first time in my life, I didn't feel truly lonely. I didn't realize that at the time of my relationship (with the girl of my dreams), I still had issues and felt depressed and stuff, but much less than ever before. I didn't treat her right, I was emotionally and sometimes verbally abusive. I don't know how I could've acted the way I did. I broke up with her at the beginning of July. Didn't actually completely do it, I was just angry about something. We got back together, though I could see how she also thinks that might be a good idea, to break up, still be next to each other, work out stuff because we're still in love. But on the 6th of July she started taking antidepressants which completely ruined her feelings in two weeks. First week, she decided to break up, but still said she loves me and wants to do it in the way we talked about. Second week - she became completely obsolete to anything, started drinking, smoking, didn't eat. We were long distance so I couldn't act. She stopped taking them after two weeks (20th of July), unfortunately, her feelings have not returned or if any returned, it was anger, resentment and irritation towards me (though that showed before as well when I called her in desperation during that period of second antidepressant week). Finally at this point we're completely no contact after she, during that time, stated that she doesn't love me, doesn't want to go back to her old life, she stated she wants nothing to know about me, wishes me well but is over me and our relationship was awful. At some point that we talked (around 14th/15th of August), she seemed to be more calm, happier again after the alcohol and SSRIs episode. She even thanked me for apologizing at some point but she said she won't risk a relationship with me again and she still barely feels anything towards anyone, me included. She started rekindling some connection with her ex that hit her twice in the past (though 7 years ago, possible he changed).
That is my reason, getting to the point. That is the "I hate myself and I am truly alone now". I know, seems shallow. She was the love of my life. Every memory, every little thing I think about her is making me completely broken. I can't explain to you why that is, why she was so great, because that's a whole another story, but I'm sure you can imagine. We were in love until the end, until the very point she went on antidepressants. Then, maybe just a coincidence, maybe not, it all fell apart. I have nobody now. Truly nobody. Nobody understands me in my circle, nobody understands that it's all I wanted, the eternal, unconditional love that I gave to her. The perfect relationship. Of course, we had our issues, I don't wanna mention hers, but I did mention mine. Still, it was a wonderful relationship, we tried our hearts for each other, our best. We swore, multiple times, that we're never leaving each other. That we're ALWAYS gonna be there for each other. That's even what she asked and begged of me one day before starting antidepressants. We were the same age, birthday one day from one another. Before I even knew how she looks, before I knew her voice, the first time I saw her sitting with someone on Discord, I somehow knew she's the one. With literally zero knowledge outside of her nickname and profile picture.
And the world gave me her and gave me to her just to take it away two and a half years later in the most heartless way possible. I'm only giving myself some time because maybe, by some miracle, she comes back and regrets that choice, maybe it truly were just antidepressants. Maybe I'll be able to look into her beautiful, grey eyes again, seeing them light up when I say I love her. And I'll be able to hold her beautiful, small body with her head on my chest, thinking that despite all that I feel, I'm truly the happiest person in the world.
But I honestly doubt it. So I choose SN at the beginning of 2025. I'll probably still make a thread closer to that asking for assistance, but I weigh 50kg and am 180cm height, male. Would be great if anyone could instruct me the dosages, if I need to prepare in any way outside of the SN and the pills, etc.
Thanks for reading. If anyone wants any more details, I can easily share, as I have nothing to lose now. That is my decision, I hate this world, I hate myself and my life. I hate listening to "focus on yourself", "love yourself" and "it will be better" or "she was not that great" or "life is tough, it will be fine". I don't want to change the core me. I would change the abusive behaviors (I already did it once in the past, previous relationship, due to disgust with how I behaved), but I don't want to change the goal of my life, the wish for a relationship with someone who I admire as much as I admired her and as much as she admired me.
I'll try to give you a brief story and also want to ask for some factual assistance.
I am 25, I've been lonely for 23 years before. I was in a relationship for 6 years, but still felt that way. At the end of 2021, I met the girl of my dreams. For the first time in my life, I didn't feel truly lonely. I didn't realize that at the time of my relationship (with the girl of my dreams), I still had issues and felt depressed and stuff, but much less than ever before. I didn't treat her right, I was emotionally and sometimes verbally abusive. I don't know how I could've acted the way I did. I broke up with her at the beginning of July. Didn't actually completely do it, I was just angry about something. We got back together, though I could see how she also thinks that might be a good idea, to break up, still be next to each other, work out stuff because we're still in love. But on the 6th of July she started taking antidepressants which completely ruined her feelings in two weeks. First week, she decided to break up, but still said she loves me and wants to do it in the way we talked about. Second week - she became completely obsolete to anything, started drinking, smoking, didn't eat. We were long distance so I couldn't act. She stopped taking them after two weeks (20th of July), unfortunately, her feelings have not returned or if any returned, it was anger, resentment and irritation towards me (though that showed before as well when I called her in desperation during that period of second antidepressant week). Finally at this point we're completely no contact after she, during that time, stated that she doesn't love me, doesn't want to go back to her old life, she stated she wants nothing to know about me, wishes me well but is over me and our relationship was awful. At some point that we talked (around 14th/15th of August), she seemed to be more calm, happier again after the alcohol and SSRIs episode. She even thanked me for apologizing at some point but she said she won't risk a relationship with me again and she still barely feels anything towards anyone, me included. She started rekindling some connection with her ex that hit her twice in the past (though 7 years ago, possible he changed).
That is my reason, getting to the point. That is the "I hate myself and I am truly alone now". I know, seems shallow. She was the love of my life. Every memory, every little thing I think about her is making me completely broken. I can't explain to you why that is, why she was so great, because that's a whole another story, but I'm sure you can imagine. We were in love until the end, until the very point she went on antidepressants. Then, maybe just a coincidence, maybe not, it all fell apart. I have nobody now. Truly nobody. Nobody understands me in my circle, nobody understands that it's all I wanted, the eternal, unconditional love that I gave to her. The perfect relationship. Of course, we had our issues, I don't wanna mention hers, but I did mention mine. Still, it was a wonderful relationship, we tried our hearts for each other, our best. We swore, multiple times, that we're never leaving each other. That we're ALWAYS gonna be there for each other. That's even what she asked and begged of me one day before starting antidepressants. We were the same age, birthday one day from one another. Before I even knew how she looks, before I knew her voice, the first time I saw her sitting with someone on Discord, I somehow knew she's the one. With literally zero knowledge outside of her nickname and profile picture.
And the world gave me her and gave me to her just to take it away two and a half years later in the most heartless way possible. I'm only giving myself some time because maybe, by some miracle, she comes back and regrets that choice, maybe it truly were just antidepressants. Maybe I'll be able to look into her beautiful, grey eyes again, seeing them light up when I say I love her. And I'll be able to hold her beautiful, small body with her head on my chest, thinking that despite all that I feel, I'm truly the happiest person in the world.
But I honestly doubt it. So I choose SN at the beginning of 2025. I'll probably still make a thread closer to that asking for assistance, but I weigh 50kg and am 180cm height, male. Would be great if anyone could instruct me the dosages, if I need to prepare in any way outside of the SN and the pills, etc.
Thanks for reading. If anyone wants any more details, I can easily share, as I have nothing to lose now. That is my decision, I hate this world, I hate myself and my life. I hate listening to "focus on yourself", "love yourself" and "it will be better" or "she was not that great" or "life is tough, it will be fine". I don't want to change the core me. I would change the abusive behaviors (I already did it once in the past, previous relationship, due to disgust with how I behaved), but I don't want to change the goal of my life, the wish for a relationship with someone who I admire as much as I admired her and as much as she admired me.
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