Water-Lily
Enlightened
- Dec 26, 2020
- 1,199
I just finished my phone session a few minutes ago. I would always beat myself up for not being able to cry in therapy. For disassociating and not being able to verbalize my feelings. But I did. Not just about how my mom abused me, but how my family gaslit me for years. How they emotionally abused and invalidated my feelings just to silence me. They wanted so desperately to keep the "family" functioning and protect my abusive mom. They wanted to protect her because it was easier to enable her than to address her head on. Because then the family would crumble and they would all have to take accountability. But abusive people taking accountability rarely happens. And so when I was in pain it was easier to invalidate me
I didn't deserve that.
I deserved to be loved, listened to, and told "its ok to feel how you feel. I will make sure to protect you. Thank you for telling me what your mom has been doing to you". But I got none of that. I got "get over it/you're a big girl don't cry/it's not a big deal/snap out of it" mostly from my father but my other relatives did this to some extent as well. Always the "sensitive" one. But I was never sensitive. I was a child in pain crying gout for help and that is human. I was just surrounded by adults who were too emotionally immature and unwilling. When I observe my family I see how I was not the only victim. Gaslighting and invalidation was rampant. Everyone gaslit each other, even gaslighting themselves. Like how my aunt, after being verbally abused by my cousin, would laugh and smile with "that's just how he is! You know that". It's easier to gaslight and invalidate than to face heavy shit. And that's what I am trying to do
With that I updated my therapist on what I am doing now. My doctor has been helpful in helping me try to lose weight. I am also more open to medication and see a new psychiatrist next month. My therapist also advocated I look into what my dad's insurance covers so I can take advantage of new things. I also plan to go back into volunteering since that is something I can handle now.
Then there is my family itself. There is still so much more to process and things I haven't talked about. Things that my inner child is still confused and hurt over. For the time being, I am still living with my family. And I may have to until things get better. Hopefully I will have a drivers license and the house in PA will be fixed up so I can live there. Thats the future goal for now. I still talk to my family and admittedly still love them. For the good times and what those were like. But also acknowledging the abuse and the toxicity that is today. I still want to spend time with them, but I also have to decide how to do that while learning how to establish boundaries. And I honestly don't have an answer on how to. I am realizing I am very flawed and I am still learning how to navigate so much coming from a household of severe abuse/trauma. I am going to mess up, lash out, say the wrong things, and learn to pick myself after each downfall. Recovery is scary and hard and I can see why suicide is so attractive. Why its easier to sleep, eat, drink party, or other thigns to avoid pain. It's hard work, its very hard work and it can be lonely at times.
But, I want it to be worth it. I want to do the thing my mother couldn't do. She let her life be defined by her trauma, being comfortable in falling back on her trauma as an excuse to be a shitty person. I remember her dead body looking so lifeless. All that abusing, all that pain she inflicted onto me, did nothing. She didn't feel any better. If anything she looked more miserable. My mom is what happens to you when you don't heal. She doesn't deserve my love at all, she really doesn't. But she's my mom and so, of course I still love her. The duality is strong but I am trying. I just hope that she is able to be proud of me. I feel like if she is in heaven and is without her narcissism and abusive traits, I think she would be very proud of me as a daughter for what I was able to do, while being sorry for what she couldn't do.
I love you mom, but I am trying to love myself a little more. To give myself the love you couldn't give to me. Even though your love was there and you tried sometimes, it was less than enough. I still have to process and verbalize so many things you did that is still very hard. I am afraid of what I will be at the end of that, but I know that in order to heal I have to do that hard work.
I didn't deserve that.
I deserved to be loved, listened to, and told "its ok to feel how you feel. I will make sure to protect you. Thank you for telling me what your mom has been doing to you". But I got none of that. I got "get over it/you're a big girl don't cry/it's not a big deal/snap out of it" mostly from my father but my other relatives did this to some extent as well. Always the "sensitive" one. But I was never sensitive. I was a child in pain crying gout for help and that is human. I was just surrounded by adults who were too emotionally immature and unwilling. When I observe my family I see how I was not the only victim. Gaslighting and invalidation was rampant. Everyone gaslit each other, even gaslighting themselves. Like how my aunt, after being verbally abused by my cousin, would laugh and smile with "that's just how he is! You know that". It's easier to gaslight and invalidate than to face heavy shit. And that's what I am trying to do
With that I updated my therapist on what I am doing now. My doctor has been helpful in helping me try to lose weight. I am also more open to medication and see a new psychiatrist next month. My therapist also advocated I look into what my dad's insurance covers so I can take advantage of new things. I also plan to go back into volunteering since that is something I can handle now.
Then there is my family itself. There is still so much more to process and things I haven't talked about. Things that my inner child is still confused and hurt over. For the time being, I am still living with my family. And I may have to until things get better. Hopefully I will have a drivers license and the house in PA will be fixed up so I can live there. Thats the future goal for now. I still talk to my family and admittedly still love them. For the good times and what those were like. But also acknowledging the abuse and the toxicity that is today. I still want to spend time with them, but I also have to decide how to do that while learning how to establish boundaries. And I honestly don't have an answer on how to. I am realizing I am very flawed and I am still learning how to navigate so much coming from a household of severe abuse/trauma. I am going to mess up, lash out, say the wrong things, and learn to pick myself after each downfall. Recovery is scary and hard and I can see why suicide is so attractive. Why its easier to sleep, eat, drink party, or other thigns to avoid pain. It's hard work, its very hard work and it can be lonely at times.
But, I want it to be worth it. I want to do the thing my mother couldn't do. She let her life be defined by her trauma, being comfortable in falling back on her trauma as an excuse to be a shitty person. I remember her dead body looking so lifeless. All that abusing, all that pain she inflicted onto me, did nothing. She didn't feel any better. If anything she looked more miserable. My mom is what happens to you when you don't heal. She doesn't deserve my love at all, she really doesn't. But she's my mom and so, of course I still love her. The duality is strong but I am trying. I just hope that she is able to be proud of me. I feel like if she is in heaven and is without her narcissism and abusive traits, I think she would be very proud of me as a daughter for what I was able to do, while being sorry for what she couldn't do.
I love you mom, but I am trying to love myself a little more. To give myself the love you couldn't give to me. Even though your love was there and you tried sometimes, it was less than enough. I still have to process and verbalize so many things you did that is still very hard. I am afraid of what I will be at the end of that, but I know that in order to heal I have to do that hard work.
