wasteandvoid
ill never be what you wanted im your lucifer
- Jun 20, 2023
- 122
I was extremely depressed and considering suicide recently, but I had a different experience instead of going down that route thankfully. I have been depressed for around 7-8 years and have been suicidal more times than I can remember. Im sorry if this is written poorly, im not very good at articulating myself in an organized way. Also sorry I dont really know what this is supposed to be other than me expressing myself and experience. I hope some people can resonate with it and maybe it can help.
What led me to this point:
I have been so much in my own head and intellectualizing everything in my life, pushing away my feelings for about the last year id say. This caused me to nearly completley detach from reality, plus isolation from the world, as well as using the internet as my only lens to see the outside world. I also began rejecting mental health care for myself around november last year, and writing the whole thing off as bs and thinking I can push through my own mind on my own. It was a terrible decision and it made me nearly go insane. Im actaully thankful I can feel my own depression again rather than whatever false reality hell I was in before.
A few days ago I finally crashed after all the stress pressure and buildup, I just was honest and admitted how I really felt. I hate my life, my reality, my future, myself. It was more complex but that summarizes my feelings. And I finally felt a familiar comfort and security that I was actually longing for all along, which was my depression. I dont care if it sounds wrong, im just happy im in a sane mental state and can feel my feelings at all. Im free from being a husk of a human that just copies others in hopes of creating the experience of being a real human. I dont even know what I was doing I was just going crazy honestly, but thats the best way I can describe it.
I have been pushing down, devaluing my own feelings and personal in real time experiences for so long that I forgot what that even was like. But now after being honest in that one moment, not even of my own choice really, ive finally come back to them. I am still depressed, but at least I can feel. I take things moment by moment. The heart leads and not the mind. Leading with feelings and not thoughts.
There are many more details to this and ive done a poor job at explaining it all, but I really feel a need to express myself so I wanted to make this post. I also really appreciate this site, theres very few spaces ive ever found where people can express thier experiences with suicide in an honest and uncensored fashion. I cant even speak to others in real life who I trust most about this topic without altering what I say out of fear.
What led me to this point:
I have been so much in my own head and intellectualizing everything in my life, pushing away my feelings for about the last year id say. This caused me to nearly completley detach from reality, plus isolation from the world, as well as using the internet as my only lens to see the outside world. I also began rejecting mental health care for myself around november last year, and writing the whole thing off as bs and thinking I can push through my own mind on my own. It was a terrible decision and it made me nearly go insane. Im actaully thankful I can feel my own depression again rather than whatever false reality hell I was in before.
A few days ago I finally crashed after all the stress pressure and buildup, I just was honest and admitted how I really felt. I hate my life, my reality, my future, myself. It was more complex but that summarizes my feelings. And I finally felt a familiar comfort and security that I was actually longing for all along, which was my depression. I dont care if it sounds wrong, im just happy im in a sane mental state and can feel my feelings at all. Im free from being a husk of a human that just copies others in hopes of creating the experience of being a real human. I dont even know what I was doing I was just going crazy honestly, but thats the best way I can describe it.
I have been pushing down, devaluing my own feelings and personal in real time experiences for so long that I forgot what that even was like. But now after being honest in that one moment, not even of my own choice really, ive finally come back to them. I am still depressed, but at least I can feel. I take things moment by moment. The heart leads and not the mind. Leading with feelings and not thoughts.
There are many more details to this and ive done a poor job at explaining it all, but I really feel a need to express myself so I wanted to make this post. I also really appreciate this site, theres very few spaces ive ever found where people can express thier experiences with suicide in an honest and uncensored fashion. I cant even speak to others in real life who I trust most about this topic without altering what I say out of fear.
