I had an extremely good conversation with a woman from my self-help group....she strongly signaled me she is interested in me

[noname223]

I considered to kill myself this morning. Damn I met her this evening. I went to my self-help group. Only one woman came. We had an extremely good and deep conservation. She very strongly signaled me she is interested in me. She approached me last week I thgouht it might be coincidence. She trusted me I noticed that.

I have the feeling she might be the one. It was an amazing conversation. I cannot believe. I cannot fathom this happened to me. I was so fucking heartbroken because the woman I met from a dating app that treated me like fucking dirt.

I cannot belive that. They all were right miracles can happen and the physics professor was right the future is unpredictable.

She is in a relationship though. But it seems to be an unhappy one.

I will elaborate tomorrow in detail. I need sleep this will make me so fucking manic.

It was extremely unlikely that we two are alone. Last time we were 7 people. This was so fucking unlikely. I even was paranoid the others members of the self-help group were involved in this. And did not come to give us this chance. But I think that's paranoia. That's very likely paranoia.

Another issue I think she wants a family...My friends suggest me to calm down.

 

[derpyderpins]

I considered to kill myself this morning. Damn I met her this evening. I went to my self-help group. Only one woman came. We had an extremely good and deep conservation. She very strongly signaled me she is interested in me. She approached me last week I thgouht it might be coincidence. She trusted me I noticed that.

I have the feeling she might be the one. It was an amazing conversation. I cannot believe. I cannot fathom this happened to me. I was so fucking heartbroken because the woman I met from a dating app that treated me like fucking dirt.

I cannot belive that. They all were right miracles can happen and the physics professor was right the future is unpredictable.

She is in a relationship though. But it seems to be an unhappy one.

I will elaborate tomorrow in detail. I need sleep this will make me so fucking manic.

It was extremely unlikely that we two are alone. Last time we were 7 people. This was so fucking unlikely. I even was paranoid the others members of the self-help group were involved in this. And did not come to give us this chance. But I think that's paranoia. That's very likely paranoia.

Another issue I think she wants a family...My friends suggest me to calm down.

Well, calming down is usually preferred when making big choices.

I'm glad you had such a good conversation. Take some time to be happy about that. You can make a good connection!

Personally, I don't believe in "the one." To me, it devalues a great relationship by suggesting it will either work or won't based on some unseen value like pokemon IVs. A relationship is building something completely new with someone else who wants to build something with you. Of course, you could argue that it takes some of the magic out of things to think that way, but it also should relieve pressure to know you don't have to make it work with any one specific person.

For now, I hope you have a good night's sleep. Looking forward to the update.

 

[noname223]

Well, calming down is usually preferred when making big choices.

I'm glad you had such a good conversation. Take some time to be happy about that. You can make a good connection!

Personally, I don't believe in "the one." To me, it devalues a great relationship by suggesting it will either work or won't based on some unseen value like pokemon IVs. A relationship is building something completely new with someone else who wants to build something with you. Of course, you could argue that it takes some of the magic out of things to think that way, but it also should relieve pressure to know you don't have to make it work with any one specific person.

For now, I hope you have a good night's sleep. Looking forward to the update.

Honestly, I also don't believe in "the one" thing. But I was and am a little bit overwhelmed. I will take half a sleeping pill.
I need to relax.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

As I'm sure you know, it's when it's going extremely well that it's time to be careful and maybe ease off. Having accidentally tested these things over the course of my life, I can honestly say that it doesn't work the way you might expect. As men we often want to build on what feels good, and if all seems right, we want to keep it going and can't imagine why the other person would flake or be different with us the next time around. And yet this kind of thing happens so often that it's best to be prepared. And I wouldn't want you to be upset or super disappointed if things don't blossom.

Of course, I hope it does work out. But definitely do chill and maybe just pre-empt some type of lack of interest by backing off a little. In that context I think it's important to let her come to you to some degree. Good luck man.

 

[noname223]

As I'm sure you know, it's when it's going extremely well that it's time to be careful and maybe ease off. Having accidentally tested these things over the course of my life, I can honestly say that it doesn't work the way you might expect. As men we often want to build on what feels good, and if all seems right, we want to keep it going and can't imagine why the other person would flake or be different with us the next time around. And yet this kind of thing happens so often that it's best to be prepared. And I wouldn't want you to be upset or super disappointed if things don't blossom.

Of course, I hope it does work out. But definitely do chill and maybe just pre-empt some type of lack of interest by backing off a little. In that context I think it's important to let her come to you to some degree. Good luck man.

My friend with the most experience with women told me something very similar. I should not be too enthusiastic. But I might delete dating apps though. Real life is so much better. I rather build real life connections it is so much easier and less depressing. (if this fails)

I think the risk for extreme dissapointment is very high. Thank you to remind that I need to be mentally prepared if this happens.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

My friend with the most experience with women told me something very similar. I should not be too enthusiastic. But I might delete dating apps though. Real life is so much better. I rather build real life connections it is so much easier and less depressing. (if this fails)

I think the risk for extreme dissapointment is very high. Thank you to remind that I need to be mentally prepared if this happens.

I agree that real life is always better (and also to delete the dating apps). I find it's in the shortest interactions where the most attraction happens, funny enough. When I was younger and went to bars, it was easy to talk to interested girls and have things develop. It was only when I got lazy and switched to talking to people online that I found making inroads a lot harder.

 

[derpyderpins]

I agree that real life is always better (and also to delete the dating apps). I find it's in the shortest interactions where the most attraction happens, funny enough. When I was younger and went to bars, it was easy to talk to interested girls and have things develop. It was only when I got lazy and switched to talking to people online that I found making inroads a lot harder.

I've said similar. When I was in law school, I was in a long distance relationship and it made me miss so many chances lol. Women would hit on me at bars. Although part of that is probably that I wasn't looking, which makes you seem more confident, etc. I've had coworkers clearly interested in the past few years, too.

But, dating apps were an absolute bust (besides the only one that counts). Didn't matter that I had good pictures, a good profile, etc. They're just mental health cancer.

 

[Spreadingmywings]

ngl didn't read, but was she thicc as hell tbh? Gyatttt

 

[noname223]

Well...she ain't replying since yesterday...that's a very bad sign. I asked her a question when do we meet again? And in her previous reply she told me she would like to me me again. She was online many times today.

I don't know whether I can survive one more time this hell. Bro I gonna commit sepukku and livestream it when this happens. (irony)

You guys warned me. And all my friends with the most experience warned me. I really don't know which impact this will have on my life. I reached the 5000 th post mark by the way. So proud of myself. Let's celebrate it with sepukku like every good death cult.

 

[-Link-]

@noname223 I'd recommend doing some reading on the subjects of limerence, infatuation, hyperfixation, and "fantasy vs reality" as they apply to those early stages in dating.

It sounds like you have a pattern of getting hung up on one potential partner at a time and then falling into an obsessiveness with that person, which makes you particularly prone to the kind of hurt you're feeling right now.

Even if you're talking to a particular woman of interest, you also want to keep talking to others. As many as possible, at all possible opportunities. Talk to women. Constantly. Even women you're not romantically interested in (but don't lead anyone on, OK). You don't even have to talk to them with any specific intentions. Talk to them just for the sake of conversation, even.

Resist falling into the trap of obsession -- this is the difference between going "all-in" with one potential partner and going "a little bit in" with many potential partners.

The adage is, "There's somebody out there for everyone." But that's not quite right. In actuality, "There's a lot of somebodies out there for everyone." It's just a matter of finding them and connecting with them when the time is right. Even if you're perfectly matched with somebody, there are still several elements that need to come together to ignite that spark.

Be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Know you're a good person who's loveable. Practice self-care. Be the best version of yourself whenever possible. And keep talking to different women at all opportunities.

 

[noname223]

I think I struggle with ambiguity intolerance. In my head there are only the two options. She is really really likes me. Or she is not interested at all. I told her about some of my issues which emerge when I meet new people. I am glad I was given that option. I was pretty open about which problems oftern occur. And she seemed to be okay with it. She told for the fact this was my worst week since a long time I am doing it very good. And I think she meant it.

One of my more experienced friend thinks she might want to slow it down a little bit and she might be a little bit overwhelmed. And I give her this time.

I am really manic by the way. I need a sleeping pill again this night.

 

[-Link-]

I think I struggle with ambiguity intolerance. In my head there are only the two options. She is really really likes me. Or she is not interested at all.

This is a solid piece of insight.

When you experience love and romance in all-or-nothing terms, it's easy to project that mindset onto other people and figure them for experiencing it in the same way. Looking at "all-or-nothing," the "all" is an extremely high standard for the other person to meet, so it's almost like a constant need for validation or affirmation of interest. And then their other behaviours (those that don't meet this high standard) are automatically dumped into the "nothing" of "all-or-nothing" -- mistaking less-than actions as negative signs when in fact they're only neutral (at worst) or mildly-to-moderately positive.

Also, this need for validation can come off as clingy to the other person which pushes them further away... which then increases the need for validation... which pushes them even further away... Clearly, a problematic cycle.

As I write this, another thing that comes to mind is Attachment Theory -- in particular, Anxious Attachment Style as a point of interest.

 

[Pluto]

 

[EvisceratedJester]

ngl didn't read, but was she thicc as hell tbh? Gyatttt

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Personally, I don't believe in "the one." To me, it devalues a great relationship by suggesting it will either work or won't based on some unseen value like pokemon IVs.

Actually ever since Sun and Moon, Pokémon IVs CAN be changed now thanks to Hyper Training using Bottle Cap items. You can only make them perfect though, so you still have to rely on luck for the niche situations where you want Attack or Speed IVs to be 0.

 

[derpyderpins]

Actually ever since Sun and Moon, Pokémon IVs CAN be changed now thanks to Hyper Training using Bottle Cap items. You can only make them perfect though, so you still have to rely on luck for the niche situations where you want Attack or Speed IVs to be 0.

Fine, it's like pokemon IVs back when Pokemon was good lol

 

[33-vertebrae]

The thing with being lonely and isolated for years is it makes you fucking psychotic and then when someone finally comes along and gives you the slightest bit of attention, you read that as love or you start attributing all of your maladaptive fantasy bullshit to a person who more than likely is just being nice.

Step back from the situation and a bit and just like... chill out.

Because then the second this woman doesn't meet your internal expectations, you're going to spiral.

She might be interested, or that might just be something you made up.

Either way, enjoy the conversation and company for the meantime and just don't read into it more than there is, especially if she is in a relationship.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I think I struggle with ambiguity intolerance. In my head there are only the two options. She is really really likes me. Or she is not interested at all. I told her about some of my issues which emerge when I meet new people. I am glad I was given that option. I was pretty open about which problems oftern occur. And she seemed to be okay with it. She told for the fact this was my worst week since a long time I am doing it very good. And I think she meant it.

One of my more experienced friend thinks she might want to slow it down a little bit and she might be a little bit overwhelmed. And I give her this time.

I am really manic by the way. I need a sleeping pill again this night.

Don't beat yourself up. You can have awesome conversations with a woman and it not mean shit to her romantically, whereas I think guys struggle with that (I know I have).

To me, on an instinctual and emotional level, it's like we're vibing and it's all good, so how could things not progress? That's the overt part. And yet there's a whole underlying layer (that you're not privy to) that dictates whether that other person will reciprocate and show up for you romantically. If that bit isn't there for her, you're out of luck.

Sometimes a person does actually like you, despite this stuff happening. In that case it might just need time or space, or she might not want to be pinned down to anything, ie. she has problems with commitment. So either cut your losses or try to work with it, although the latter might be a bit of a rollercoaster. If you do go for it, remember to circle back around to her every so often, rather than trying to force an ongoing/daily interaction.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Fine, it's like pokemon IVs back when Pokemon was good lol

But then in that case then the only way to achieve it would be through multiple generations of inbreeding.

But also it's way better to have QoL stuff like that imo I just wish it was even easier.

 

[derpyderpins]

But then in that case then the only way to achieve it would be through multiple generations of inbreeding.

or, one in a billion luck. Which is what a "soulmate" would be if it exists.

Remind me, is it 6 stats from 0-31, so 32 values?

32^6 = 1,073,741,824

So, yeah, about one in a billion. (Happy coincidence it was so close lol.)

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

or, one in a billion luck. Which is what a "soulmate" would be if it exists.

Remind me, is it 6 stats from 0-31, so 32 values?

32^6 = 1,073,741,824

So, yeah, about one in a billion. (Happy coincidence it was so close lol.)

Yup.

 

[noname223]

I might have slightly overreacted. She was pretty busy yesterday and could not message to some circumstances. We agreed to meet us either today or tomorrow. And it will be likely today (because due to a ton of sleeping pills I feel a little bit less totally manic and not totally mentally unstable).

 

[noname223]

We met again this evening. It was pretty good. She is a complex but also interesting woman. She considered it a green flag that I never was in a relationship. I thought at this time point I am already friendzoned for being too honest and open.

At the end of the meeting/date we again signaled interest in each other. She considers to leave her bf for me.

Though she told she has no strong interest in sexuality. I think I have despite never being in a relationship. But it is no deal breaker for me.

 

[Spreadingmywings]

We met again this evening. It was pretty good. She is a complex but also interesting woman. She considered it a green flag that I never was in a relationship. I thought at this time point I am already friendzoned for being too honest and open.

At the end of the meeting/date we again signaled interest in each other. She considers to leave her bf for me.

Though she told she has no strong interest in sexuality. I think I have despite never being in a relationship. But it is no deal breaker for me.

If she considers to leave her bf for you..

This tends to result in something that's nothing new under the sun

Spoiler

 

[noname223]

She behaves in a weird way. She barely messages me despite the meeting was pretty good. I think I should follow the advice of members on here and keep searching for someone else. I have the feeling I get friendzoned again. I am not sure whether I can stomach that. I am not sure whether I should be happy about what happened. I got a ton of compliments which boosted my self-esteem but if I get disappointed again this will hurt like hell.

I am going through hell.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

It's hard not to take this situation personally, but it's very normal in the dating game. The other person takes half a leap with you, then pulls back, and you're left going "why did she do that?" but again, super common.

I think ideally you shouldn't be messaging every day. Given that it's so early on, try to give her more space. Initiate the breakaway and back off for a few days. If you're not organically busy, find something that occupies your time. From what you've hinted at, she does actually like you. So I feel you still have a shot. But I think you need to not be up her ass at all, and at least come off like it's no big deal whether she goes for it or not. That takes the pressure off her a little, and that's important right now because judging by her actions, it does seem like she's hesitant to commit to anything.

Hope things turn around again.

 

[noname223]

It's hard not to take this situation personally, but it's very normal in the dating game. The other person takes half a leap with you, then pulls back, and you're left going "why did she do that?" but again, super common.

I think ideally you shouldn't be messaging every day. Given that it's so early on, try to give her more space. Initiate the breakaway and back off for a few days. If you're not organically busy, find something that occupies your time. From what you've hinted at, she does actually like you. So I feel you still have a shot. But I think you need to not be up her ass at all, and at least come off like it's no big deal whether she goes for it or not. That takes the pressure off her a little, and that's important right now because judging by her actions, it does seem like she's hesitant to commit to anything.

Hope things turn around again.

You and my most experienced friend say exactly the same. Give her time. Don't pressure her (The guy said maybe she is overwhelmed because everythnig happened so fast.). And I am doing exactly that. I never double message her. I think she is not very much into texting. It can be a bad sign that she does not message me. The last time she messaged me was Wednesday.

I just should not interpet too much into it. I will see her on Monday in my self-help group. We said we will try to act as if we did not meet in front of others. But we both admitted we are pretty bad liars.

I had the feeling she likes me a lot and that she liked our meetings. However, I think she is hesitant to leave her boyfriend.

The other people in my group know my love delusions too. We will spill the tea if we hug us in front of others. Lmao.


Thank you for your support once again.

 

[noname223]

She texted me yesterday. We had the longest chat thus far. When I had the feeling her interest for the conversation stopped I stopped messaging her. But she ignored my message of today which I sent 20 hours after her last message. 5 hours past since. I think her interest for me might be gone. I am not sure what my mistake was maybe I tried to speedrun it.

This shit contributes to my mental decline. I am torn apart between severe depression and severe hypomania. I know it should not affect me this much but it makes me really suicidal. Tomorrow in that group I will probably be manic. Which is good because other people think I would be feeling good. I am going through hell instead. I awake since 3:30 a.m. once again.

I texted a woman I dated years ago. She married her best (toxic) girlfriend some months ago. She still checks my status. I wish I could ask her what I did wrong when we dated. But I won't do that too much time has passed.
I was in a similar position to that time. I was also sort of manic. I have the feeling I am doing something obviously wrong but I cannot see it/ I am not self-aware of it. This could be paranoia though.

 

[qw3rty259]

TLDR
No way! Did she really say "hi" back??

 

[noname223]

TLDR
No way! Did she really say "hi" back??

Not helpful.