I hate being conscious, I hate having feelings, I want it to stop

[qualityOV3Rquantity]

Ever since I became chronically ill, my life has been agony. I hate being awake, I hate every waking second. I hate being constantly aware of the pain in my stomach and intestines, I hate that everything I do seems to make it worse. I hate having memories of the past, of knowing there was a time when I didn't have this fucking curse and I could be a normal person and enjoy life. I hate how no one understands how much it hurts. I hate having thoughts going through my head. I hate consciousness, being awake, feeling, thinking, eating, breathing, I hate it all. I hate knowing that I will never get better, and I hate everyone around me who tries to make me stay against my will. I hate you mom and dad, fuck you for making me go through this, I hope you find this account after I'm gone so you know how much pain I was in, because I know you don't believe me when I tell you.

I hate my job, I hate having to get out of bed in the morning knowing that as soon as I take a drink of water, it will cause me real physical pain. I hate that life has totally ceased to be something good, and has just become a torture chamber to be endured until natural death. I am strapped down on a table being fucking tortured every day, and no one can see it except for me. I hate every memory I have of the past, I hate knowing that my life will never be that good again. There is no fucking cure, no hope, no resolution, no respite, there is absolutely nothing left for me except near-constant pain and dysfunction.

Most of all, I hate that it isn't nearly bad enough to make me just fucking end myself already, it will have to get so much worse first, and I have so much more pain to go before it's over.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's so cruel and terrible to me how there's all this suffering in existing with no limit as to how much agony one can feel, it really sounds like you've suffered a lot, I also find it dreadful to be conscious in this existence.

 

[Douggy82]

What's your physical ailment?

 

[qualityOV3Rquantity]

What's your physical ailment?

Irritable bowel syndrome, and also a bunch of joint pain that I think is related

 

[Douggy82]

Irritable bowel syndrome, and also a bunch of joint pain that I think is related

look up long term water fasting. it's got a high success rate with those problems

 

[notreallybored]

Irritable bowel syndrome, and also a bunch of joint pain that I think is related

ב''ה,
That's unpleasant. Aside from trying to figure out food sensitivities, making sure gluten is not the issue, dairy, whatever FODMAP is.. short of the rigamarole you may have already been through (and I might suggest looking for a probiotic that works, L. Reuteri seems more beneficial than most) have you tried throwing Allegra / fexofenadine at it? Non-stupefying antihistamine, relieves some of the body load if it seems like a 'leaky gut' situation. If it's -D turmeric capsules may also give some relief, the cheap ones, not the extract, it's more an osmotic thing.

Boswellia is also something to try for joint pain and, as nature's Celebrex (literally) it's not harsh on the digestion unless you really have problems with even that class of NSAID. If you can find the plain version rather than extract (discount online vitamin vendors often have both, stores vary) that's another one that may work well enough or better in its simpler form.

If this is wild -D there's a 'last resort' option that's not particularly illegal and an ordinary day for a lot of folks but I'd prefer not to mention it unless you're already relying on dangerous amounts of Imodium, as is a uniquely cardiotoxic opioid.