Venting I hate being insecure and lack of confidence 24/7

[SwanLakeDance]

No matter where it is, IRL or here, online, me a loser hiding behind the screen, i have no confidence of doing anything. everyone been taking me for granted always, i don't know what to do nor even vent.. its just.. feel so tiring and exhausting, everyday i wake up i feel this overwhelming amount of laziness, i been skipping classes alot lately just laying on the bed on my own staring at ceiling feeling empty. there's no place i could talk to without anyone feeling disgusted that I cut myself. i keep telling people that i'm fine but i'm not actually fine, people think i'm ghosting them on purpose because i dont wanna talk to them but the truth is im suck at communicating with literally everyone.. i dont even know how to continue conversation properly, i feel like i cant trust anyone.. everytime i vent or tell them anything about my feelings. literally everyone.. they just litsen and nothing..nothing change.. they kept telling me things will get better and that i wouldnt be alone and i would have them but.. in the end i'm always here, cutting myself and overdosing on coughing pills again and again everyday alone, im so tired.. i dont even know if i wanna die, because i'm so scared of failing.. i feel like even among the depressed people, and suicidal. im weird and i'm nothhing but an asshole.. i don't know where I belong at all.. it feel so alone.. so lonely.. so cold everywhere i go.. its like i'm not going to achieve anything nor fix anything.. it's so lonely

 

[HenryHenriksen_6E]

The loneliness of being suicidal is really relentless. Even if you tell someone, they probably won't completely understand what is going on; at best they're willing to stay with you and support you, though that's not always the case. It's like being trapped, where it feels like there's no way to deal with the problems. Even when you search for solutions, it's often impossible to find one, even if you genuinely try. That is how it feels for me at least - having the realization: "Man, I think I'm actually really stuck a mess."

And when people tell you it gets better, they might be right, albeit they might also be wrong. And the question isn't always if it gets better, it's when it gets better. When life gets really painful, it becomes hard to think clearly, and one starts to wonder if it's actually worth going forwards, at the chance of getting something better later on. No one really knows for sure that it gets better; there's a chance where living on is all for naught. However, some live to see a happier life, but you'll never know if that's going to be you. Thing is: the phrase "it gets better" is utterly worthless for those who are suicidal.

 

[coolgal82]

this is actually so real

 

[SwanLakeDance]

The loneliness of being suicidal is really relentless. Even if you tell someone, they probably won't completely understand what is going on; at best they're willing to stay with you and support you, though that's not always the case. It's like being trapped, where it feels like there's no way to deal with the problems. Even when you search for solutions, it's often impossible to find one, even if you genuinely try. That is how it feels for me at least - having the realization: "Man, I think I'm actually really stuck a mess."

And when people tell you it gets better, they might be right, albeit they might also be wrong. And the question isn't always if it gets better, it's when it gets better. When life gets really painful, it becomes hard to think clearly, and one starts to wonder if it's actually worth going forwards, at the chance of getting something better later on. No one really knows for sure that it gets better; there's a chance where living on is all for naught. However, some live to see a happier life, but you'll never know if that's going to be you. Thing is: the phrase "it gets better" is utterly worthless for those who are suicidal.

absolutely.. i want something more than 'it gets better'.. but i don't know if it's too selfish, my head is too hurt to think

 

[Electra]

I'm so sorry you feel that way, the loneliness is gut wrenching. And you can only understand it if you felt it yourself.