Venting I hate being trans

[yearofluigi]

So first of all hi My account is new but I've been lurking here for months lol. Made an account here because I really wanna vent about this and I don't wanna talk to anyone in real life about it because I'd feel like I'm not a "good trans person" or something? And there's no way I'm telling anyone I'm suicidal.

I'm a trans woman, been on HRT for just over a year, been publicly out for about seven months. And I hate it! I know my situation is better than what a lot of trans people experience - my friends and family are all supportive, and I don't really face explicit transphobia at all - but no one understands how stressful and painful it all feels. I don't pass, but I can't boymode because I've already come out and changed my legal name and everything. I look and sound like a man dressing up as a girl and there's nothing I can do about it. I cringe when I have to tell anyone my name. I can't go to women's washrooms because I'm scared that I'll creep out any cis women in there. I can't express any attraction. (By definition, I'm a lesbian, but I can't being myself to actually use that term without feeling like I'm appropriating it.) I'm stuck between genders.

I particularly want to vent about my grandma. She's very sweet, has been wonderful to me my whole life, and is totally on board with me being trans, but she's… kinda stupid. She's having a really hard time keeping up with the new name and pronouns, even though I came out to her over nine months ago. Almost every time I see her, she misgenders me at least once. If I try to complain about that to my parents, they go to her defence and say that she's old and is just needs more time to catch up. Okay? If someone keeps smacking me on the head with a hammer, and I totally completely forgive them on the basis that their hammer-swinging arm just isn't what it used to be and they can't control it, the hammer smacks don't start hurting any less. And seriously, it's been nine months since I came out to her and seven months since I've came out to everyone else. She should've figured it out by now and at this point I don't think she ever will. If she was just being a jerk, I'd probably have an easier time brushing it off than I'm having now. If she thought that God gave me a male body and I'm not allowed to change it or something (which is very much how it feels most days), I'd just be like "lol whatever loser" and move on. But that's the thing. She fully supports me, she just has no filter. She's saying what everyone else is thinking! Every time she misgenders me, it's a reminder that no one sees me for the woman I am. Everyone else is just better at playing along. I'm not fooling anyone with my slightly-higher-than-before voice and padded bra. I should've just stayed in the closet to everyone but a few friends. Then I could've worked on my voice in secret without embarrassing myself every time I spoke to someone; same goes for fashion and my face. And I'd be able to use gendered bathrooms without feeling like a fugitive!

Of course, this isn't just a grandma thing, even though she's the worst offender. My friends and acquaintances slip up frequently, and strangers never gender me correctly. I'm constantly being reminded that I'm defective, how I'm lucky to have people around me who'll at least pretend I'm a girl for my sake even though I'm not and never will be. Male puberty has already done its damage, and the terrible effort of voice training and intensive surgeries are the only hopes I have of mitigating it.

I want to kill myself because I never got the chance to just… be me, and I don't think I ever will, and that ruins every good thing in my life (even though there are several other reasons I don't like my life, but those are for future posts hehe). Am I a woman with a messed-up body or a man with a messed-up brain? Doesn't matter. Nothing can change the fact that I was born wrong and didn't realize until it it was too late. Maybe if I figured out I was trans way earlier I could've been happy, but as it stands I'm on the verge of tears every time I see an old photo of myself.

Another thing I wanted to rant about was a very significant effect of feminizing HRT: "emotional expansion," which basically means I went from crying once every few months to more than once a week. My anxiety has gotten way worse; I now get a nasty stomachache whenever I'm even slightly worried about something. All my feelings, good and bad (mostly bad), are so intense now and I'm finding it really hard to deal with. Mentally I'm in grad school but emotionally I'm in middle school.

I can't talk about any of this with people I know irl because it'll go against a sorta narrative about being trans that I feel pressured to maintain. I'm supposed to be happier now that I'm out of the closet. I was supposed to instantly feel a mental fog lift upon starting HRT. I have to be on board with being a woman 100% of the time even when I'm too depressed to put the effort into hair and makeup and clothes that's required to even have a chance at passing. I have to laugh off every misgendering and tell people it's fine and that they're Not Bad People for screwing up even though I'm hanging on by a thread and the only thing that can distract me from how invalidated they make me feel is fantasizing about taking SN.

Would killing myself make trans people look bad? I keep seeing posts on other websites saying I need to stay strong and stay alive, so as to not let the bigots win, but I dunno, I'm pretty much ready to throw in the towel. I think the bigots can have this one. I'm worried that people will see how depressed I've gotten since coming out, culminating in me killing myself, and blame it on my identity instead of how everyone else sees it. Would my suicide make people who knew me turn transphobic? I hope not. I hope people get really sad for a while, get over it, and then do their best to support the other trans people in their lives. The stuff I've said about myself - that I'm defective, appropriating labels, can't change the body I'm born with, etc. - are things that I'd never say to another trans person. I want the best for my community but I can't go on myself.

That's all I think :3 Thanks for reading.

 

[bitcrush]

Hello and welcome. I'm also a trans woman that joined recently, and I can also say that I kind of hate being trans. I'v been transitioning for years at this point and still don't pass, and it's part of why I think about suicide so much as well. Sorry to hear about your grandma, it really sucks when those close to us don't understand how much it hurts to be misgendered and deadnamed. Also killing yourself wouldn't make trans people look bad, if anything it just reveals how much it fucking sucks to be trans. I wish you the best and hope you find peace, whether thats from ctb or surrounding yourself with supportive people.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

Welcome to the forum
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with transitioning, to be honest, what you described sounds super valid and it's sad to hear you feel like you can't discuss it openly with other members of the community. That you feel the pressure to pretend everything is fine.

I really wish people could be honest when things are not perfect from the get go, I think that could make the community more close knit and even invite other people that are not part of LGBTQ to be more understanding and compassionate.

About your grandma, that is a really hard situation to navigate... I've worked with the elderly and their brains are in a different state, it's not the same as you and me. I don't think your grandma can be blamed for slipping up but I also think you're entitled to feel hurt. It always hurts. It's a lose-lose scenario unfornately...

I think being trans is one of the hardest things one can do so I hope you can have some compassion towards yourself because it really is a hard feat. I wish medicine was more advanced to make the process easier.
If you wish to ctb, it's your personal decision, it won't make anyone look bad. You may be trans but you're also your own individual, you shouldn't cary the weight of the whole community on your shoulders, no one should.

I wish I could do something to meaningfully improve your life, take that pain away. Sorry this is not much help, I hope you can feel better with time if you decide to continue. It really is an incredibly hard battle and you're doing the best you can, you're very courageous in my eyes.

 

[toxicjester]

It's a difficult situation. I'm trans but I'm non-binary so it's a different experience I feel. My gf is trans and she's also had a difficult time with her transition. A lot of her situation isn't ideal and I tend to not be able to help her, even for comfort. As such I don't think there's much I could say to be of comfort to you

Whether or not you ctb is up to you. I'll continue living because there's things I want to do, and because there's things I can't do yet. My gf is still around for the moment also. Any decision you make is your own, it's not a blanket statement over all of us.

I do hope you get the things you want, whatever that ends up looking like for you

 

[yearofluigi]

Thanks for the comments and reactions everyone :) It's nice to be able to talk about this stuff.

 

[sparrowcharm]

I can hear how much pain you're in and I really wish it wasn't like that for you. We are here to support you so be as open about it as you need to, it sounds like such a battle. Sending you hugs

 

[mrpeter]

its possible you're grandma just has dementia if she was doing it on purpose than she wouldn't be on board with you being trans also you should be thankful your family doesn't hate you for being trans unlike a lot of people

 

[coolgal82]

I'm going to get a lot of hate for this but no wonder you're not "happy" if you're hating what you were born as. Hrt has its side effects because it's not normal for your body to have such high levels of estrogen. I think long term it'd be better for mental health to just accept being a feminine man than strive for something unachievable and compare yourself to that standard, sorry if I offended some people but this whole movement is like a black hole to me after what I've seen and experienced

thats not how any of this works. if we could just "accept" our bodies then we wouldnt need to like go through transition. i personally would rather not if i didnt have to, but not transitioning at all would be far worse for my mental health actually. plus there are trans people out there that manage to be happy post transition. gtfo with your transphobic bs (also "its not normal for your body to have such high levels of estrogen" thats not how it works dumbass)

 

[yowai]

thats not how any of this works. if we could just "accept" our bodies then we wouldnt need to like go through transition. i personally would rather not if i didnt have to, but not transitioning at all would be far worse for my mental health actually. plus there are trans people out there that manage to be happy post transition. gtfo with your transphobic bs (also "its not normal for your body to have such high levels of estrogen" thats not how it works dumbass)

Yeah I shouldn't have started lol.

 

[coolgal82]

Yeah I shouldn't have started lol.

yeah being transphobic is kinda cringe ngl take that shit somewhere else

 

[AuroraB]

Much empathy to all the trans folks not sure about their transitions. I have watched lots of videos by detransitioners on youtube. Lots. So many males regret losing their penises for front holes and have years of medical complications. So many females regret having top surgery or phalloplasty then decide they want to detransition and get pregnant and breast feed. It's not as uncommon as activists state and there are tons of court cases now from folks who were transitioned as minors and had botched surgeries and tons of regret for other reasons. These detransitioners being honest about their regret is brave. Before you have surgery, please watch M2F2M detransitioners who regret genital surgery. I'm also an elder, grandma age. The older generation esp we in our 60s were raised with this book and album (record) called Free To Be You And Me and it was about loving and accepting ourselves and being allowed to non-conform to societal stereotypes without blockers, hormones, surgeries....just as is. Girls could be butch and guys could be femme and it was all fine. I know you believe it will be too hard but you CAN detransition and change your name back if you truly want to. I really appreciate your honesty. I think most people don't pass. For me, as an elder, it's huge cognitive dissonance to see someone who clearly is a certain sex but is trying to appear as the opposite sex. This is where misgendering (right sexing) comes from. It's not meant to be rude or hateful or phobic. The eyes and brain sees what it sees and sometimes that just slips right out of people's mouths. Wishing you safe/well.

 

[coolgal82]

Much empathy to all the trans folks not sure about their transitions. I have watched lots of videos by detransitioners on youtube. Lots. So many males regret losing their penises for front holes and have years of medical complications. So many females regret having top surgery or phalloplasty then decide they want to detransition and get pregnant and breast feed. It's not as uncommon as activists state and there are tons of court cases now from folks who were transitioned as minors and had botched surgeries and tons of regret for other reasons. These detransitioners being honest about their regret is brave. Before you have surgery, please watch M2F2M detransitioners who regret genital surgery. I'm also an elder, grandma age. The older generation esp we in our 60s were raised with this book and album (record) called Free To Be You And Me and it was about loving and accepting ourselves and being allowed to non-conform to societal stereotypes without blockers, hormones, surgeries....just as is. Girls could be butch and guys could be femme and it was all fine. I know you believe it will be too hard but you CAN detransition and change your name back if you truly want to. I really appreciate your honesty. I think most people don't pass. For me, as an elder, it's huge cognitive dissonance to see someone who clearly is a certain sex but is trying to appear as the opposite sex. This is where misgendering (right sexing) comes from. It's not meant to be rude or hateful or phobic. The eyes and brain sees what it sees and sometimes that just slips right out of people's mouths. Wishing you safe/well.

detransition rates are actually pretty low, and most people detransition due to social pressure not out of regret. detransitioners only get promoted so much because transphobes see people suffering and wanna use them to push their own agenda. also again you cant just "accept yourself" out of dysphoria that isnt how it works, if that was an option im sure people would be doing that instead of transitioning, but medical research has proven transition to be the primary treatment. and like ofc no one is getting surgery without serious consideration of it, it really isnt easy to get lmao.

also misgendering isnt inherently hateful when done by mistake, but if you go against what someone tells you or if they correct you and you keep doing it then it can become hateful
also to add onto the "right sexing" bit that's also incorrect, sex is not binary its bimodal, its just a collection of traits and if you have more male/female traits (or traits that society considers as such cus sex is a social construct) then you are assigned male/female, and fully transitioned trans people usually change enough of those to be considered intersex at worst and female at best (for trans women atleast, obv the reverse applies to trans men, and for nonbinary people it depends really cus thats a more complicated topic)

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Much empathy to all the trans folks not sure about their transitions. I have watched lots of videos by detransitioners on youtube. Lots. So many males regret losing their penises for front holes and have years of medical complications. So many females regret having top surgery or phalloplasty then decide they want to detransition and get pregnant and breast feed. It's not as uncommon as activists state and there are tons of court cases now from folks who were transitioned as minors and had botched surgeries and tons of regret for other reasons. These detransitioners being honest about their regret is brave. Before you have surgery, please watch M2F2M detransitioners who regret genital surgery. I'm also an elder, grandma age. The older generation esp we in our 60s were raised with this book and album (record) called Free To Be You And Me and it was about loving and accepting ourselves and being allowed to non-conform to societal stereotypes without blockers, hormones, surgeries....just as is. Girls could be butch and guys could be femme and it was all fine. I know you believe it will be too hard but you CAN detransition and change your name back if you truly want to. I really appreciate your honesty. I think most people don't pass. For me, as an elder, it's huge cognitive dissonance to see someone who clearly is a certain sex but is trying to appear as the opposite sex. This is where misgendering (right sexing) comes from. It's not meant to be rude or hateful or phobic. The eyes and brain sees what it sees and sometimes that just slips right out of people's mouths. Wishing you safe/well.

I can't say it better than @coolgal82.
Cis woman myself, but have talked a lot with people who want to transition into the other gender. If there's one thing I've learned is that I'm glad I never had the feelings they have, being locked up in a body that's isn't who they are

Its pretty easy to tell someone " they should accept"
How can you accept something your brain ( and heart) won't / can't recognise as the person that same brain and heart know you are.

Please think about your comment, its really very hurtful to a lot of members of our community.

 

[ShesPunishedForever]

I'm sure you've been questioning these things for a while now. But for some words of encouragement, being out for seven months and HRT for a year is relatively not that long of a time, there are some stages and developments in transition and theres still a lot of milestones to go even if you've legally changed your name and etc, if you CTB you'd never be able to see who you become and see all the changes that will happen and how you will look.

 

[illvoid]

Yeah I shouldn't have started lol.

Yeah, you really shouldn't have? I don't understand your thought process here. How does your original comment serve to benefit anyone here? It's not helpful, it's not kind or comforting, it's not informative, and it's not a novel concept to trans people either. We've heard it a million times before, it's never coming from a place of genuine concern. If it was, you wouldn't feel the need to tell someone who is suffering that "Actually, it's your fault because you can't accept yourself!".

 

[yowai]

Yeah, you really shouldn't have? I don't understand your thought process here. How does your original comment serve to benefit anyone here? It's not helpful, it's not kind or comforting, it's not informative, and it's not a novel concept to trans people either. We've heard it a million times before, it's never coming from a place of genuine concern. If it was, you wouldn't feel the need to tell someone who is suffering that "Actually, it's your fault because you can't accept yourself!".

It doesn't and it's not a place for talks like that I know, sorry, and the part about accepting what you are came out oversimplified, really shouldn't have started but it did come from genuine concern. I'm more on the side that thinks doctors just want to make money from people's suffering and them getting expensive treatments, but I'm done, you do you