I hate when therapists say they are sorry for me

[ecmnesia]

no you aren't. it's visible in your face that this is just an automatic answer you have for any sad topic I come up with.

I hate the fact that you have all of those pretty rehearsed answers to everything. EVERY fucking time you just tell the same fucking thing, you won't even change the words to make it more realistic.

honestly, I feel just pathetic to depend on something like that.

ps. my therapist just texted me because I missed the appointment on Thursday and surprise... she just gave me a standart answer.

 

[BPD Barbie]

I always felt that if they were sorry for me, I must really be in deep and beyond help. The stuff therapists hear, the horrible traumas etc and they still felt sorry for me... Never sat well with me.

 

[ecmnesia]

I always felt that if they were sorry for me, I must really be in deep and beyond help. The stuff therapists hear, the horrible traumas etc and they still felt sorry for me... Never sat well with me.

well... fuck. so far that did not cross my mind at all. that definitely does not sit well.

 

[WhiteDespair]

I always hated it when someone said they were sorry my mother died.

I don't think a therapist ever told me they were sorry. Maybe they did an I just don't remember. One said what I went through was "unfair" which is better than "sorry." I think I form relationships with them easy enough where their responses are more genuine.

 

[Mm80]

no you aren't. it's visible in your face that this is just an automatic answer you have for any sad topic I come up with.

I hate the fact that you have all of those pretty rehearsed answers to everything. EVERY fucking time you just tell the same fucking thing, you won't even change the words to make it more realistic.

honestly, I feel just pathetic to depend on something like that.

ps. my therapist just texted me because I missed the appointment on Thursday and surprise... she just gave me a standart answer.

Challenge her and be honest.
Say respectfully, I don't feel that your being authentic when saying that.
Could make your therapy more real?

 

[Ghost2211]

Mine says that at times, but the worst part is she is sincere lol.

 

[Mm80]

Mine says that at times, but the worst part is she is sincere lol.

... I'm sorry to hear rosey that you feel trump is the best American president to have lived...
Im sorry to hear that your MAGA cap faded in the wash, must be tough...

 

[Ghost2211]

... I'm sorry to hear rosey that you feel trump is the best American president to have lived...
Im sorry to hear that your MAGA cap faded in the wash, must be tough...

It's quite a loss, but it's ok my @Mm80 stuffed animal is still perfect!

 

[MichaelNomad123]

Aye. I struggle to process stuff like that. I'm surprised I haven't developed a twitch or tick in response to it yet. This is connected to one of my main gripes with therapists -- I can't trust advice from someone that is speaking from a position of privilege or simply hasn't experienced the same issues.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

My favourite line they came out with was: "What do you think I can do to help you?"
"You are asking me? Don't you think I'd suggest something if I had the answers, or already be doing it? Maybe if you actually attempted to listen instead of the conditioned responses."
You know you are on a downer when they come out with that one.

I found that the higher up the pecking order, the more conditioned the responses were. The lower ranks of case workers were often a little more sympathetic and tried to listen and understand context and nuance. However, they still ultimately came out with the company line, because that was their job.

LOL the shrink I saw would spend 5 minutes NOT answering a simple question, then another 5 minutes NOT answering the same question in another way. Obfuscation, deception, confusion. How are you meant to trust someone that behaves like that? They clearly thought I was stupid.

I honestly believe they tend to discriminate by way of a an unconscious bias, towards regarding anyone with mental health issues as 'stupid.'

 

[Ren Elsie Jewelria]

I've never heard a shrink/therapist saying "sorry" in any context. ;)
Seriously, they're just like androids following their commands, no feelings, no empathy. What were you expecting?

 

[Giraffey]

I use phrases such as "I'm so sorry you're going through that" but only when I am able to follow it up with "I know the pain well". I can only speak for myself of course, but it's not an automatic reply I wheel out, rather, a genuine expression of empathy and an indication that I can relate to their journey.

Most of the clients I treat, present with similar issues to those I've experienced myself, including the struggle of not being taken seriously by doctors. It can be a refreshing change to hear that I know they are not 'making it up' precisely because I have been there and lived it myself.

I often read through patient notes and find patronising phrases and labels such as "pt (patient) uncooperative" or "[doctor's opinion] but he/she refuses to admit that these are the real issues"; or I see the patient is marked as having a personality disorder yet there is no reference to any kind of assessment - such labels can be highly prejudicial and turn off professionals from making a real effort to explore alternative strategies.

There are sadly many terrible and mediocre therapists out there, some who are motivated by money, others who operate on the foolish assumption that a therapeutic relationship is essentially a paint by numbers and if the suggested technique is not working it's the client's fault - shudder, reminds me of certain faith healers blaming the deaths of cancer victims on a lack of belief.

It's difficult to offer hints and tips on finding a good therapist, some openly publish unmoderated reviews (I do this and advocate others to follow suit); with others your best bet is to phone them and get a sense of their modus operandi.

If you've had no luck with the CBT, perhaps look for a therapist offering an alternative such as DBT or EMDR, it's not necessarily just that one set of techniques might suit your needs better than another, but that therapists specialising in alternative treatment paths generally have different approaches and thus it's less likely that you end up seeing one professional after another who all turn to page 87 of their therapy manual and cheerfully recount that you have exhausted their expertise and now it's "up to you".

Of course, it's easy for me to sit here and type these things, believe it or not I do know how difficult the theory is to enact - as a client of a string of useless professionals myself (but a couple of good ones too); and as a professional, I think the best advice one can give is not to tar all professionals with the same brush.

As someone said above as well, if you feel that something your therapist has said is insincere then speak up and tell them - you should always feel comfortable to challenge them or ask them to justify their conclusions. I realise that in practice it isn't always so idealistic, but that's the theory and finding a therapist with who involves you in decisions as opposed to simply imposing them on you can make a great deal of difference.

 

[DocNo]

i must say - i hate it in general, when people say it. its just a stupid phrase for me. its just to fill the discomforting moment of silence.

another thing what somehow amused me at my therapist.
one time i was pretty hyped and i was thinking with warp 9. and the urge just to talk was very strong and so i often interrupted my therapist, while he tried to say something.
i found it to some point amusing afterwards, that he seemed to be so trained to let his client talk no matter what. don't know - was somehow strange - like their is a "always let the client talk" rule.
maybe understandable with clients with aggresive behaviour to comfort them. but i was voluntarely in therapy and also agressive behaviour was never an issue.

finally i really must say. one week here - talking especially with two persons here - brought more to the surface and gave me more insight than over one year of therapy.

 

[bpdteacher]

I think it depends on the therapist. I have had a few. My most recent one is excellent, and I've been seeing her for a couple of years now. It might make a difference that she's the first one I've paid for privately?

She will say when she's sorry for something I've experienced, but this feels honest because she also tells me when something I say makes her feel angry, happy, confused etc. We agreed this helps me because I've got BPD and it stops me second guessing. It also helps me develop my own emotional literacy.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, it might be worth either being honest with your therapist or trying a different one? I know I'd not still be here without my therapist, and I won't ever be able to thank her properly for that.

 

[DocNo]

I think it depends on the therapist. I have had a few. My most recent one is excellent, and I've been seeing her for a couple of years now. It might make a difference that she's the first one I've paid for privately?

She will say when she's sorry for something I've experienced, but this feels honest because she also tells me when something I say makes her feel angry, happy, confused etc. We agreed this helps me because I've got BPD and it stops me second guessing. It also helps me develop my own emotional literacy.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, it might be worth either being honest with your therapist or trying a different one? I know I'd not still be here without my therapist, and I won't ever be able to thank her properly for that.

my therapist was also privately paid.
one of my rules for myself was - be as honest as possible cause i didn't see any point if i wouldn't have been.

at the end of the therapy before i decided to finish it, i also mentioned sometimes, that he seems to see stuff, which i told him, through some pink happy glasses and i tried to even more make this point clearer what i am going through.

at the point where i complete gave up on myself i asked to draw a conclusion from his view. his view was that everything about my future seems pretty shiny and i am ready for the world. i was somehow amused cause it couldn't be more away from my condition at this point.

later at some point i thought he just never understood the labyrinth i built up around myself. some minor things were slightly helpfull but the big picture seemed to have been completely untouched.

but i guess it was maybe a) a bit to short (about 15months - 1h a week) and/or b) not the right therapist.
nevertheless an experience which learned me some usefull lessons about the process i would say.

 

[OopsIdidntwanttodie]

I know how you feel:/ when I voiced out my feelings, my therapist always said that my feelings aren't real and I should acknowledge them and move on *sigh*

 

[SuzeWantsOut]

Challenge her and be honest.
Say respectfully, I don't feel that your being authentic when saying that.
Could make your therapy more real?

That is EXACTLY the right response.

And if that therapist gets pissed or annoyed or challenges you for even asking? You've got a bad therapist. Tell them that and don't go back. Therapy is first and foremost about the relationship you form together with that therapist. They are not in a position of authority. You are not a bad client because you say how their words sound empty and insincere. They need to know that, and you need it to stop.

I had a psychiatrist once tell me, emphatically and directly: "You have been treated unjustly." It just blew me away because up until then, I was used to therapists (social workers—I'm not a fan at all) challenging me: how did I myself cause some situation to happen? Well, I was treated horribly, on purpose. And THAT had been going on since childhood, so when that guy said that, I really understood the meaning of validation.

There are so many really bad, really messed up people in that field. It's your money. If they're coming across as insincere, say so. It's also great practice for standing up for yourself, which they push for. Just with some of them, they don't cope when you stand up for yourself with them. If they can't handle that? They're the messed up type. I also once threatened to report a psychologist to the APA if he did not refund all money I had given him. I got a check in the mail fast. Don't forget: you can also discreetly record yiur sessions. If it's bad enough—do it.

That said? I really AM sorry that you've been spoken to like that. Everyone who goes to a therapist is brave, making themselves vulnerable and it is absolutely necessary that therapist treat them with respect. They can cause a lot of harm too.

If they hear too much that brings them down? That's their own fault. Time to find a new field or manage better. It should in no way be your problem.

How awful.