loslassen
call me jvne
- Dec 8, 2023
- 160
I know I can always check out the method resources, but I want a little bit of insight on *my specific* situation and maybe some emotional support? let me explain, also, thanks for staying and reading if you are.
cw: a little bit of a vent for context.
my ctb date passed, june 7th, this is the second year in a row I fail, I had a method ready and all but a week before my birthday I got some really really good news, but they kinda sent me on a dissociative spiral, because I spent the week spending money on party planning and dealing with my sister's several exhausting breakdowns, this just made the excitement slowly fade away, but only because she triggered it, she wasn't the whole reason of it but she was the last straw to bring me down from any hopeful mood I had, since I'm sure my subconscious was dealing with me being unable to believe or receive good news positively and also the fact my year long and month long planning for my suicide got thrown out the window, I have stability/trust issues and probably some kind of control disorder because of my growth and life experiences, thing is, trigger after trigger, mess up after mess up, I didn't enjoy my birthday.
I was surrounded by people who care about me, but having to fake smile while I blew the candles, and nobody batting an eye felt like a slow, sadistic knife twist in my heart, all the while a big part of me knew I should've been hanging in the closet already.
I haven't been able to cry, though I really want to just whine and sob it all out, I *feel* quite numb, but my mind won't stop running on the truths and recognizing the things that have potentially sent me into this state.
on the other hand, we did a cookout for my birthday, so we bought coal, in the most innocent and unnoticeable manner, now I have access to a much, much more peaceful way out. I think at least for me, suicide takes a lot of readying up, so I feel very uncomfortable having it sitting on top of my microwave, I don't even feel tempted, but in my cognizant mind, I want to do it soon, I just don't know how, or where or when. I already wrote really long goodbye letters for my family, though thinking through it I want to elaborate on them even more, and I still want to write two more for two of my best friends, as well as revisit and change the one I wrote for my boyfriend.
any recommendations on how I can use the CO method? I have a bathroom but it's kind of big and ventilated, and my closet but burning anything in there seems dangerous, is the bag method the best? I could probably get my hands on or make a makeshift vent/tunnel or something, I can send pictures through dm if needed for a better walkthrough of what I have in my hands atm. I honestly am not sure if I would go through with this method since I've tested partial hanging before and have achieved it comfortably, but I also just want to let all of these thoughts out because they've been eating the back of my mind.
cw: a little bit of a vent for context.
my ctb date passed, june 7th, this is the second year in a row I fail, I had a method ready and all but a week before my birthday I got some really really good news, but they kinda sent me on a dissociative spiral, because I spent the week spending money on party planning and dealing with my sister's several exhausting breakdowns, this just made the excitement slowly fade away, but only because she triggered it, she wasn't the whole reason of it but she was the last straw to bring me down from any hopeful mood I had, since I'm sure my subconscious was dealing with me being unable to believe or receive good news positively and also the fact my year long and month long planning for my suicide got thrown out the window, I have stability/trust issues and probably some kind of control disorder because of my growth and life experiences, thing is, trigger after trigger, mess up after mess up, I didn't enjoy my birthday.
I was surrounded by people who care about me, but having to fake smile while I blew the candles, and nobody batting an eye felt like a slow, sadistic knife twist in my heart, all the while a big part of me knew I should've been hanging in the closet already.
I haven't been able to cry, though I really want to just whine and sob it all out, I *feel* quite numb, but my mind won't stop running on the truths and recognizing the things that have potentially sent me into this state.
on the other hand, we did a cookout for my birthday, so we bought coal, in the most innocent and unnoticeable manner, now I have access to a much, much more peaceful way out. I think at least for me, suicide takes a lot of readying up, so I feel very uncomfortable having it sitting on top of my microwave, I don't even feel tempted, but in my cognizant mind, I want to do it soon, I just don't know how, or where or when. I already wrote really long goodbye letters for my family, though thinking through it I want to elaborate on them even more, and I still want to write two more for two of my best friends, as well as revisit and change the one I wrote for my boyfriend.
any recommendations on how I can use the CO method? I have a bathroom but it's kind of big and ventilated, and my closet but burning anything in there seems dangerous, is the bag method the best? I could probably get my hands on or make a makeshift vent/tunnel or something, I can send pictures through dm if needed for a better walkthrough of what I have in my hands atm. I honestly am not sure if I would go through with this method since I've tested partial hanging before and have achieved it comfortably, but I also just want to let all of these thoughts out because they've been eating the back of my mind.
