NSFW I have actually fucking done it..

[voidreverse1982]

I feel like I'm running on autopilot, going through the motions of life without any real purpose, engagement or satisfaction.. Just scrolling through reddit and creating characters to numb my feelings.. My holidays aren't a break for me, but a continuation of the same exhausting routine.. I'm suffocating.. Every day just gets harder and harder, like I'm dragging a mountain behind me.. I thought I could push through everything.. work, school, the holidays.. but it's too much.. I didn't even get a break during my winter holidays.. I spent every single day working on my dad's new house, doing endless tasks like pulling cables, drilling walls, and much more.. I tried to convince myself that helping him was the right thing to do, that it would distract me, but all it did was make me feel even more worthless and useless.. We didn't even finish the job, and soon enough I'll be back to school and work with everything else piling on top of me.. exams.. presentations.. living life..

I'm so tired.. Tired of pretending to be fine.. Tired of smiling and joking like nothing's wrong.. Tired of being this version of me that everyone else expects.. Nobody sees what's really going on with me, and I don't blame them.. I've hidden it so well that even if I died tomorrow, they'd probably just think I ran away for a bit or something..

I can't stop thinking about how worthless I am.. Every time I make a mistake at work or feel too exhausted to study, I notice how I can't even handle the basics of being an adult.. I'm nothing.. I look at myself and see someone who doesn't deserve to die.. who doesn't deserve such an easy way out.. and deserves to keep suffering through this miserable life.. My parents spent all this time and money raising me, and for what..? For someone who can barely function, who doesn't contribute anything meaningful to the world..

The most disappointing part is that I know I'll survive it.. Because I'm too much of a coward to kill myself.. And I know that I don't deserve peace nor any relief.. I just keep waking up every day and going through the same motions, hoping something will end it for me because I can't bring myself to do it.. I just want to die so, so badly..

Spoiler

View attachment 20250103_202723 (online-video-cutter.com).mp4

I have actually done it.. I have actually fucking intentionally hurt myself for the first time.. I'm now officially a danger to myself.. But I deserve this.. I deserve to be hurt.. I just hate myself so, so much.. I deserve this.. I deserve this pain.. and this suffering.. I'm an abomination.. a disgrace to human race that deserves to be hurt like this.. I can't stop.. Because I'm a stupid piece of shit.. like a crying baby throwing a tantrum right now, while making this post, for no apparent reason.. I can't think of anything that makes sense.. my rationality is long gone.. Nothing will ever get better, everything will only get worse and worse the longer I live.. My existence is harmful.. I've gone insane from how long I've been enduring living life.. I don't know how much longer I can endure it.. I just want to end it all so badly.. But I don't deserve death.. I don't deserve such an easy way out.. I'm way too worthless for that..

 

[depressedinsomniac]

this post is so heavy...it's one of the reasons i feel suicide should be a legal option you can choose at a hospital. i never used to think that but i didn't develop mental health issues till late in life (43). Now that i know how this feels it's a terrible existence.

 

[miyabi]

Please be careful with cutting especially. People will target you as a result of the scars. It is obvious to everyone what scars like that are from and your life will be worse as a result whether it is from excessive clothing in the heat or bullying from others. I know you aren't thinking of the future right now or you don't expect to live but you need to choose a better coping mechanism.

I do not want you to live a life where your vulnerabilities are visible on your skin for everyone to see. It is a difficult life.

 

[Young]

I probably know how you feel, and I can't help it either. But we don't really owe anything to society. We were brought into this world without a choice.

 

[voidreverse1982]

Please be careful with cutting especially. People will target you as a result of the scars. It is obvious to everyone what scars like that are from and your life will be worse as a result whether it is from excessive clothing in the heat or bullying from others. I know you aren't thinking of the future right now or you don't expect to live but you need to choose a better coping mechanism.

I do not want you to live a life where your vulnerabilities are visible on your skin for everyone to see. It is a difficult life.

Thanks for worrying about me, but you really, really, really don't need to.. I'm not doing this as a coping mechanism.. rather, I'm doing this as a way to punish myself for existing.. because I hate myself so, so extremely much.. I deserve to be hurt like this.. I deserve to feel pain.. I deserve to suffer by living life.. and I don't deserve any relief, not even through death.. If I end up with scars? So be it. If I end up getting bullied? So be it. I don't care about myself, I just want to ruin myself further.. because I deserve all this.. I'm less than worthless.. I'm a nobody.. a piece of shit, a disgusting vermin, that doesn't deserve any kindness..

 

[death_bed221]

Stop while u can. This is how it starts. I was as same as u. Before u know it this will turn to a weird addiction and u will have scars that never heal. If u really have to cut, cut ur legs. Because of my self harm I cant even wear T-shirts and summer here gets hot. Please think about what u are doing

 

[lawlietsph]

This post breaks my heart, truly truly breaks my heart.
It is still amazing to me how much our brain can be our worst enemy. And people STILL don't get it... They still think it's just some made up shit.
I am so sorry OP, I understand how much you hate yourself and how much you truly think this is what you deserve...
Nobody deserves to go through this kind of mental torture, this kind of pain. I wish I could take it away from you, even if just parts of it. Parts of this huge, deep, excruciating pain. Ah fuck what a world we live in...

 

[needthebus]

Have you tried Dialectical Behavioral Therapy? It works really well for people who struggle with intense emotions.

 

[miyabi]

Stop while u can. This is how it starts. I was as same as u. Before u know it this will turn to a weird addiction and u will have scars that never heal. If u really have to cut, cut ur legs. Because of my self harm I cant even wear T-shirts and summer here gets hot. Please think about what u are doing

Have you considered getting skin grafts? It might be worth it to be able to experience a summer in short sleeves again.

@voidreverse1982 OP please listen to other people's experiences like the above since you are treading down a dangerous path. If nothing anyone says can convince you to find another way of self punishment then at the very least do not do it on an area you can't cover like your hands. You know full well what normal people think of people like us and it's not something you want permanently marking you.

I hate advising people to take on self destructive behaviours but you would be better off with almost any other invisible method of selfharm like cigarettes and alcohol because they are socially acceptable. As @death_bed221 mentioned there were many people in your shoes who wish they never did it because of the inability to wear what you want in the summer.

Sorry if I come across as too blunt. We were in your shoes before so it's out of an interest in preventing you from making the same mistake.