NSFW I have actually fucking done it..

[voidreverse1982]

I feel like I'm running on autopilot, going through the motions of life without any real purpose, engagement or satisfaction.. Just scrolling through reddit and creating characters to numb my feelings.. My holidays aren't a break for me, but a continuation of the same exhausting routine.. I'm suffocating.. Every day just gets harder and harder, like I'm dragging a mountain behind me.. I thought I could push through everything.. work, school, the holidays.. but it's too much.. I didn't even get a break during my winter holidays.. I spent every single day working on my dad's new house, doing endless tasks like pulling cables, drilling walls, and much more.. I tried to convince myself that helping him was the right thing to do, that it would distract me, but all it did was make me feel even more worthless and useless.. We didn't even finish the job, and soon enough I'll be back to school and work with everything else piling on top of me.. exams.. presentations.. living life..

I'm so tired.. Tired of pretending to be fine.. Tired of smiling and joking like nothing's wrong.. Tired of being this version of me that everyone else expects.. Nobody sees what's really going on with me, and I don't blame them.. I've hidden it so well that even if I died tomorrow, they'd probably just think I ran away for a bit or something..

I can't stop thinking about how worthless I am.. Every time I make a mistake at work or feel too exhausted to study, I notice how I can't even handle the basics of being an adult.. I'm nothing.. I look at myself and see someone who doesn't deserve to die.. who doesn't deserve such an easy way out.. and deserves to keep suffering through this miserable life.. My parents spent all this time and money raising me, and for what..? For someone who can barely function, who doesn't contribute anything meaningful to the world..

The most disappointing part is that I know I'll survive it.. Because I'm too much of a coward to kill myself.. And I know that I don't deserve peace nor any relief.. I just keep waking up every day and going through the same motions, hoping something will end it for me because I can't bring myself to do it.. I just want to die so, so badly..

Spoiler

View attachment 20250103_202723 (online-video-cutter.com).mp4

I have actually done it.. I have actually fucking intentionally hurt myself for the first time.. I'm now officially a danger to myself.. But I deserve this.. I deserve to be hurt.. I just hate myself so, so much.. I deserve this.. I deserve this pain.. and this suffering.. I'm an abomination.. a disgrace to human race that deserves to be hurt like this.. I can't stop.. Because I'm a stupid piece of shit.. like a crying baby throwing a tantrum right now, while making this post, for no apparent reason.. I can't think of anything that makes sense.. my rationality is long gone.. Nothing will ever get better, everything will only get worse and worse the longer I live.. My existence is harmful.. I've gone insane from how long I've been enduring living life.. I don't know how much longer I can endure it.. I just want to end it all so badly.. But I don't deserve death.. I don't deserve such an easy way out.. I'm way too worthless for that..

 

[depressedinsomniac]

this post is so heavy...it's one of the reasons i feel suicide should be a legal option you can choose at a hospital. i never used to think that but i didn't develop mental health issues till late in life (43). Now that i know how this feels it's a terrible existence.

 

[miyabi]

Please be careful with cutting especially. People will target you as a result of the scars. It is obvious to everyone what scars like that are from and your life will be worse as a result whether it is from excessive clothing in the heat or bullying from others. I know you aren't thinking of the future right now or you don't expect to live but you need to choose a better coping mechanism.

I do not want you to live a life where your vulnerabilities are visible on your skin for everyone to see. It is a difficult life.

 

[Young]

I probably know how you feel, and I can't help it either. But we don't really owe anything to society. We were brought into this world without a choice.

 

[voidreverse1982]

Please be careful with cutting especially. People will target you as a result of the scars. It is obvious to everyone what scars like that are from and your life will be worse as a result whether it is from excessive clothing in the heat or bullying from others. I know you aren't thinking of the future right now or you don't expect to live but you need to choose a better coping mechanism.

I do not want you to live a life where your vulnerabilities are visible on your skin for everyone to see. It is a difficult life.

Thanks for worrying about me, but you really, really, really don't need to.. I'm not doing this as a coping mechanism.. rather, I'm doing this as a way to punish myself for existing.. because I hate myself so, so extremely much.. I deserve to be hurt like this.. I deserve to feel pain.. I deserve to suffer by living life.. and I don't deserve any relief, not even through death.. If I end up with scars? So be it. If I end up getting bullied? So be it. I don't care about myself, I just want to ruin myself further.. because I deserve all this.. I'm less than worthless.. I'm a nobody.. a piece of shit, a disgusting vermin, that doesn't deserve any kindness..

 

[death_bed221]

Stop while u can. This is how it starts. I was as same as u. Before u know it this will turn to a weird addiction and u will have scars that never heal. If u really have to cut, cut ur legs. Because of my self harm I cant even wear T-shirts and summer here gets hot. Please think about what u are doing

 

[lawlietsph]

This post breaks my heart, truly truly breaks my heart.
It is still amazing to me how much our brain can be our worst enemy. And people STILL don't get it... They still think it's just some made up shit.
I am so sorry OP, I understand how much you hate yourself and how much you truly think this is what you deserve...
Nobody deserves to go through this kind of mental torture, this kind of pain. I wish I could take it away from you, even if just parts of it. Parts of this huge, deep, excruciating pain. Ah fuck what a world we live in...

 

[needthebus]

Have you tried Dialectical Behavioral Therapy? It works really well for people who struggle with intense emotions.

 

[miyabi]

Stop while u can. This is how it starts. I was as same as u. Before u know it this will turn to a weird addiction and u will have scars that never heal. If u really have to cut, cut ur legs. Because of my self harm I cant even wear T-shirts and summer here gets hot. Please think about what u are doing

Have you considered getting skin grafts? It might be worth it to be able to experience a summer in short sleeves again.

@voidreverse1982 OP please listen to other people's experiences like the above since you are treading down a dangerous path. If nothing anyone says can convince you to find another way of self punishment then at the very least do not do it on an area you can't cover like your hands. You know full well what normal people think of people like us and it's not something you want permanently marking you.

I hate advising people to take on self destructive behaviours but you would be better off with almost any other invisible method of selfharm like cigarettes and alcohol because they are socially acceptable. As @death_bed221 mentioned there were many people in your shoes who wish they never did it because of the inability to wear what you want in the summer.

Sorry if I come across as too blunt. We were in your shoes before so it's out of an interest in preventing you from making the same mistake.

 

[cali22♡]

I know how you feel my friend. Please at least make sure that you heal your wound so that it doesn't get infected

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Stop while u can. This is how it starts. I was as same as u. Before u know it this will turn to a weird addiction and u will have scars that never heal. If u really have to cut, cut ur legs. Because of my self harm I cant even wear T-shirts and summer here gets hot. Please think about what u are doing

Have you tried buying athletic arm sleeves? That's what I wear whenever I'm wearing tee shirts. You could also try looking into medical treatments, such as steroid injections or laser therapy, to try and reduce the appearance of your scars. You can also try using silicone gel/sheets.

@voidreverse1982 please don't cut regularly. As @death_bed221 said, there is a risk of you becoming addicted to SH and it will just make you even more miserable.

 

[extremelytired1]

I feel like I'm running on autopilot, going through the motions of life without any real purpose, engagement or satisfaction.. Just scrolling through reddit and creating characters to numb my feelings.. My holidays aren't a break for me, but a continuation of the same exhausting routine.. I'm suffocating.. Every day just gets harder and harder, like I'm dragging a mountain behind me.. I thought I could push through everything.. work, school, the holidays.. but it's too much.. I didn't even get a break during my winter holidays.. I spent every single day working on my dad's new house, doing endless tasks like pulling cables, drilling walls, and much more.. I tried to convince myself that helping him was the right thing to do, that it would distract me, but all it did was make me feel even more worthless and useless.. We didn't even finish the job, and soon enough I'll be back to school and work with everything else piling on top of me.. exams.. presentations.. living life..

I'm so tired.. Tired of pretending to be fine.. Tired of smiling and joking like nothing's wrong.. Tired of being this version of me that everyone else expects.. Nobody sees what's really going on with me, and I don't blame them.. I've hidden it so well that even if I died tomorrow, they'd probably just think I ran away for a bit or something..

I can't stop thinking about how worthless I am.. Every time I make a mistake at work or feel too exhausted to study, I notice how I can't even handle the basics of being an adult.. I'm nothing.. I look at myself and see someone who doesn't deserve to die.. who doesn't deserve such an easy way out.. and deserves to keep suffering through this miserable life.. My parents spent all this time and money raising me, and for what..? For someone who can barely function, who doesn't contribute anything meaningful to the world..

The most disappointing part is that I know I'll survive it.. Because I'm too much of a coward to kill myself.. And I know that I don't deserve peace nor any relief.. I just keep waking up every day and going through the same motions, hoping something will end it for me because I can't bring myself to do it.. I just want to die so, so badly..

Spoiler

View attachment 157583 View attachment 157584

I have actually done it.. I have actually fucking intentionally hurt myself for the first time.. I'm now officially a danger to myself.. But I deserve this.. I deserve to be hurt.. I just hate myself so, so much.. I deserve this.. I deserve this pain.. and this suffering.. I'm an abomination.. a disgrace to human race that deserves to be hurt like this.. I can't stop.. Because I'm a stupid piece of shit.. like a crying baby throwing a tantrum right now, while making this post, for no apparent reason.. I can't think of anything that makes sense.. my rationality is long gone.. Nothing will ever get better, everything will only get worse and worse the longer I live.. My existence is harmful.. I've gone insane from how long I've been enduring living life.. I don't know how much longer I can endure it.. I just want to end it all so badly.. But I don't deserve death.. I don't deserve such an easy way out.. I'm way too worthless for that..

It's easy for us to internalise negativity, and I'm sorry you hurt yourself bro. Don't keep doing it, if you're like me you'll end up wanting tattoo cover ups. I get what you're saying about smiling and joking that nothings wrong because I've also been like that. I think you might benefit from a space where you can be your authentic self. A person who is serious but also smile and can feel deserving of good things in life. I bet you're actually not such a terrible person. I'd add, do what makes you happy. Life is too short not to make the most of it. Time flies, you'll be gone soon, but in the meantime be kind to yourself. It sounds like you're suffering from burnout and maybe complex trauma and I promise you you're far from alone in that regard. Take care of yourself

 

[Aplev]

Many of us self-harm I think, and yeah a lot of people won't understand. I cut myself for the first time like a bit more than 10 years ago, then cut myself again just recently. And I'm talking about very intense scars. Like my whole arm was covered with blood, and the scars took literally years to fully cicatrize. Even to this day, if you look close enough, you can still see the scars. And the most recent cut, it's been like 2 or 3 months and it's still there, reminding me of the reason why I did it. It's not very logical when you think about it, it hurts, people can bully you about it, if you cover it with shirts with long sleeves, it sucks during summer (and right now it is summer where I live, although this time around I don't bother covering it, not like I have any people I see now anyways). But it's not about logic. I made many crazy stuff in my suicidal life, ever since I have use of memory (and that's like 2 years old or so). And lots of times people advised me against it, but I still didn't care shit, and saw the consequences.

I'm not telling you to listen... I just felt like sharing a bit of my story. In my case, I never did it out of self-hatred, but more because I wanted to feel special. Although last time, it was more both because of intense emotions, and because I wanted to "teach myself a lesson" (I wouldn't consider it self-hatred, more like "don't ever do this again"). But that part about being so focused on what you want to do that you don't care about what others say resonated with me. I do believe, however, that it'd be wise if you listened to the advice. It is adding more suffering, and more baggage, to what you already have.

 

[voidreverse1982]

Have you considered getting skin grafts? It might be worth it to be able to experience a summer in short sleeves again.

@voidreverse1982 OP please listen to other people's experiences like the above since you are treading down a dangerous path. If nothing anyone says can convince you to find another way of self punishment then at the very least do not do it on an area you can't cover like your hands. You know full well what normal people think of people like us and it's not something you want permanently marking you.

I hate advising people to take on self destructive behaviours but you would be better off with almost any other invisible method of selfharm like cigarettes and alcohol because they are socially acceptable. As @death_bed221 mentioned there were many people in your shoes who wish they never did it because of the inability to wear what you want in the summer.

Sorry if I come across as too blunt. We were in your shoes before so it's out of an interest in preventing you from making the same mistake.

Good. Good that I will regret later. Good that I'll feel shame. Good that I'll be bullied. Because I deserve all this. I deserve everything bad that I'm going through right now and everything bad that I will go through, including this. Those who are regretful are so because they later cared about themselves. But I don't want to. I don't want to care about myself. I just want to keep ruining myself further. To justify my existence. To make up for everything I've been wasting. Actions come with consequences, and I'll do these consequences myself. Because I deserve them. I'm beyond saving. I'm going to die one day eitherway, so, instead of ending it all, I need to make my suffering be prolonged for as long as possible. I'm just like a totaled car. So, so severely damanged that I'm beyond repair, the costs to fix myself vastly outweights my own worth. I'm unfixable. I can no longer function properly, so I should just be discarded. I'm not useful. So, I'm harming myself, and I'll keep harming myself, because I deserve all this. I need to ruin myself further, much like dismantling a totaled car damages it even more. I'm inherently flawed, and unworthy of getting fixed, unworthy of love, care, or success. I don't have any potential, nor will I ever amount to anything. I don't even deserve death. I don't deserve any form of relief. I just deserve to keep living this life as suffering as possible. That's how much I hate myself.

I have just bought more bandaids, and now I'm waiting for them to arrive so I can use them. And punish myself further for all my mistakes, including being born. I don't care whether I'll regret this, nor should you.

 

[needthebus]

Have you tried Dialectical Behavioral Therapy? It works really well for people who struggle with intense emotions.

also Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is spexifically geared towards helping people with "dyslimbia" and most cutters have dyslimbia.

DBT is the therapy that tends to work for cutters and the only thing that tends to work. You need to go to a DBT group and get a DBT therapist. People who do that see large decreases in negative feelings. They aren't totally normal after but often can function in society and be happy.

 

[voidreverse1982]

also Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is spexifically geared towards helping people with "dyslimbia" and most cutters have dyslimbia.

DBT is the therapy that tends to work for cutters and the only thing that tends to work. You need to go to a DBT group and get a DBT therapist. People who do that see large decreases in negative feelings. They aren't totally normal after but often can function in society and be happy.

Thanks for the suggestion, but I don't want to get hospitalized, don't want to waste emergency ressources, nor do I even think I deserve such treatment. So, for these and more reasons, I cannot be honest in any form of theraphy. Thus, theraphy becomes useless, as it feels like I'm talking to any other person. I know this because my apprenticeship forces me (and every other apprentice too) to have theraphy sessions with the company's psychologist once every two weeks, and I have always been lying to her about my true feelings. And nothing has gotten better, nor anything ever will, nor do I deserve anything to become better, nor am I fixable.

I can still function in society. I've been able to endure all this pain and stress for many years, while pretending to be just an ordinary, "happy" person. In reality, I have many friends and am often seen as the "funny guy." I always try to help others whenever possible and take part in social activities, like attending birthday parties, whenever I can. Hell, I even went so far as to be the only student in my class to receive the social prize. But all of this is just my social persona, which hides my true emotions. And that's all that matters. I don't deserve any happiness. I have been enduring life for over 5 years now. Been dealing with passive suicidal ideation ever since I was 14 or 15, and am now 20. And only now have I intentionally harmed myself for the first time. And it was well-deserved. I'm fully aware of what I'm doing, and the consequences of my actions. I'm rejecting any possibility of peace or relief because I'm inherently unworthy of any of it. I know harming myself will make things worse physically and emotionally, and I make this choice because I deserve this suffering. And much more.

My amazon packet with all the bandaids has arrived now, but the marks of the cuts of my left hand is still visible, so, I'll wait until they are fully healed to cut it again. I don't wanna expose myself by making scars just yet. Because it would cut my suffering too short, as I'd probably be sent to the hospital the moment someone finds my true feelings out.

 

[sorrymyfault]

I understand how you feel all this I've been feeling the same for almost a decade now, it's your life and you can do anything with it but I suggest you see all the joy you bring to your world and don't feel so negative, I know easy thing to say, but try converting that 'fake' energy you call having around other people into your own mind and thought process. I've done self half for pretty much all my life and I don't think cutting yourself in visible areas is a good idea, if you can't get your stress out any other way then resort to cutting yourself thighs maybe or other harder to see areas or even try other methods such as stomping real hard or punching, everything comes with pros and cons. It's not wrong also to say your problems to someone or a fake version of those problems that don't put your freedom at risk as a let out of those thoughts, sure this forum is great but talking to someone face to face you trust keeps that confidential about all your feelings is great -especially when you make a fake version of your problems to paint the picture you want about yourself. Call me crazy but that's what I do, not a perfect system by any means but it clears my mind from thinking about ctb every day

 

[needthebus]

Thanks for the suggestion, but I don't want to get hospitalized, don't want to waste emergency ressources, nor do I even think I deserve such treatment. So, for these and more reasons, I cannot be honest in any form of theraphy. Thus, theraphy becomes useless, as it feels like I'm talking to any other person. I know this because my apprenticeship forces me (and every other apprentice too) to have theraphy sessions with the company's psychologist once every two weeks, and I have always been lying to her about my true feelings. And nothing has gotten better, nor anything ever will, nor do I deserve anything to become better, nor am I fixable.

I can still function in society. I've been able to endure all this pain and stress for many years, while pretending to be just an ordinary, "happy" person. In reality, I have many friends and am often seen as the "funny guy." I always try to help others whenever possible and take part in social activities, like attending birthday parties, whenever I can. Hell, I even went so far as to be the only student in my class to receive the social prize. But all of this is just my social persona, which hides my true emotions. And that's all that matters. I don't deserve any happiness. I have been enduring life for over 5 years now. Been dealing with passive suicidal ideation ever since I was 14 or 15, and am now 20. And only now have I intentionally harmed myself for the first time. And it was well-deserved. I'm fully aware of what I'm doing, and the consequences of my actions. I'm rejecting any possibility of peace or relief because I'm inherently unworthy of any of it. I know harming myself will make things worse physically and emotionally, and I make this choice because I deserve this suffering. And much more.

My amazon packet with all the bandaids has arrived now, but the marks of the cuts of my left hand is still visible, so, I'll wait until they are fully healed to cut it again. I don't wanna expose myself by making scars just yet. Because it would cut my suffering too short, as I'd probably be sent to the hospital the moment someone finds my true feelings out.

I understand

that being said, DBT is usually a class and most of the attendees are chronic self-harmers (bulemics, cutters, people with extreme emotions, etc)

you don't have to be obviously having extreme emotions to take DBT, it just tends to help people who have dyslimbia or borderline personality disorder

some people have overactive limbic systems, just like some people have overactive bladders, vision issues and can't see well, or diminished hearing. most people have some issues here or there, but with dyslimbia or BPD people often look normal and have an emotional tornado inside at the same time... and if a person with dyslimbia has a high IQ sometimes they look normal and internally feel emotions in a really extreme way but are smart enough to function is society in an unhappy way because of a higher IQ

I probably have dyslimbia, but I've never been diagnosed with it and I've never asked a clinician for an assessment on it because often it's a rule-out disorder for other more serious issues (which I also have) and I didn't think the clinicians could understand the complexity

But your disorder is highly treatable with a class, the class costs money but my guess is you do financially okay because my guess is you are smart and nice looking and just internally are an emotional disaster (just a guess), and they don't hospitalize everyone in the class, because literally everyone in DBT classes cut and throw up and freak out internally over emotions.

A company psychologist is sketchy as fuck (therapy tied in with work, yuck) and you could try to go to a class like this without work knowing, paying without using insurance.

It sounds like you are saying however that you like to hurt yourself because you feel like you deserve it and don't want to stop, in which case the class would not be helpful, since the goal of the class is to reduce emotional instability and cutting.

DBT is not like therapy. It is group classes, they don't write down what you say, they just teach you skills to deal with having dyslimbia, you don't even really have to share anything. It's more like learning French. I hate therapy, even when therapists are nice, and they aren't always, and I would never feel comfortable seeing a therapist that is linked to work because of concerns about privacy and the fact that there are always records and they can always change the privacy rules later if they feel like it (which has happened in the US with abortion rights, so could easily happen again with any medical issue).

 

[voidreverse1982]

Today I have told my psychologist about my situation (partially), told how I have suicidal thoughts but I'm still yet to tell the full picture on our next session. And now I feel so fucking weak that I'm seeking help. Like I truly can't fix myself. I'm such a disgrace. And I bet next time when I tell the full picture some crazy actions will do, I mean, she even recommended anti-depressants for me just from the depression test alone. I feel so pathetic that I can't concentrate on my work, so much so that my supervisor called my dad for us three to have a meeting in a few days to talk about it. And then when my dad got home, he confronted me about it. And then when I told him how tired I was, he blamed me, reminded me how many times I'm on my phone at bed, how I never go to bed before 10pm, compared myself with my brother who always goes to bed at 9pm, how I need to get used to sleep earlier bit by bit, and when I tried to tell about how we only got home at 8:30pm (as I was helping him on building our new home till then), and that I would only have one hour to take a bath, eat, and stuff like that before sleeping to get 8 hours, he said that we can go earlier or that I don't need to go there at all, but told me how I'm on my pc playing games and stuff all the time and that even if I dont go there then I would still sleep late because of that and that going there helping him is better than doing nothing. He is just always right, and wins every argument against me, and I always feel like such a failure, because I am. I just gave up on myself. And I'll always be a garbage.

Spoiler

View attachment 8mb.video-eSY-O339WRNg.mp4

I did it fucking again. Harmed myself a second time, and it was so fucking, well-deserved. I got a fucking 8% correct on my exam, 4 out of 53 points correct, I'm such a failure, and can't do anything right. I need to keep getting punished, so long as I still exist. And now I'm seriously, deeply thinking about cutting my neck the next time I self harm. Though I do think my psychologist will stop me..

 

[voidreverse1982]

I understand

that being said, DBT is usually a class and most of the attendees are chronic self-harmers (bulemics, cutters, people with extreme emotions, etc)

you don't have to be obviously having extreme emotions to take DBT, it just tends to help people who have dyslimbia or borderline personality disorder

some people have overactive limbic systems, just like some people have overactive bladders, vision issues and can't see well, or diminished hearing. most people have some issues here or there, but with dyslimbia or BPD people often look normal and have an emotional tornado inside at the same time... and if a person with dyslimbia has a high IQ sometimes they look normal and internally feel emotions in a really extreme way but are smart enough to function is society in an unhappy way because of a higher IQ

I probably have dyslimbia, but I've never been diagnosed with it and I've never asked a clinician for an assessment on it because often it's a rule-out disorder for other more serious issues (which I also have) and I didn't think the clinicians could understand the complexity

But your disorder is highly treatable with a class, the class costs money but my guess is you do financially okay because my guess is you are smart and nice looking and just internally are an emotional disaster (just a guess), and they don't hospitalize everyone in the class, because literally everyone in DBT classes cut and throw up and freak out internally over emotions.

A company psychologist is sketchy as fuck (therapy tied in with work, yuck) and you could try to go to a class like this without work knowing, paying without using insurance.

It sounds like you are saying however that you like to hurt yourself because you feel like you deserve it and don't want to stop, in which case the class would not be helpful, since the goal of the class is to reduce emotional instability and cutting.

DBT is not like therapy. It is group classes, they don't write down what you say, they just teach you skills to deal with having dyslimbia, you don't even really have to share anything. It's more like learning French. I hate therapy, even when therapists are nice, and they aren't always, and I would never feel comfortable seeing a therapist that is linked to work because of concerns about privacy and the fact that there are always records and they can always change the privacy rules later if they feel like it (which has happened in the US with abortion rights, so could easily happen again with any medical issue).

I see. Alright then, thanks for the suggestion. Now I'm feeling slightly more stable, so, I guess it's worth giving a try at fixing myself for once. I'll reveal the full picture about myself to my psychologist on our next session, and if that doesn't work out then I'll try this DBT. Though I can't help but feel like I'm already beyond help..