Story i have my SN, and i'm hesitating

[Lawliet]

hi everyone, i'm lawliet. you may have known me previously as dyingtodie69 (real cool username, lmao.) i've been hanging around the forum since 2020 intermittently and three days ago, my SN came. it's not my preferred method, but i feel like it's my only method. i have a few complications:

- i live with my family, two parents and a younger sibling. i'm an adult who lives at home, and i'm very disabled. i live in the basement, which should allow me to be silent enough. but there's always being discovered too soon. (i plan to work around this by feigning sick so i can fast and doing it at night.) my mom and sibling really care about me, and i feel guilty for leaving them.

- i have gastroparesis. this slows down my stomach and makes digesting things less easy. i also have ARFID, which is a eating disorder not based on body image but being extremely picky and certain textures are just... not good. i'm prone to vomiting. i'm definitely going to have a third cup. me already often being sick will work for me in that i can have an excuse for being sick, especially if it fails. i'm going to fast for longer than suggested.

my biggest fear isn't death, it's failing. i've been institutionalized so many times in my life and they've all been traumatic. i don't really know if they actually can institutionalize me though because i'm so physically sick; i have had 24/7 headaches that have persisted for two years, no doctors have been able to figure out why. i need an ice pack on my head constantly. i'm in pain so much that it zaps my physical and mental strength.

on the mental side, i have PSTD, BPD, depression, and anxiety. i've been through so many medications that there literally aren't any left. they want to do ECT and i'm no way fucking having my mind melted even more. i've even tried ketamine and it has done nothing for me.

i don't want to be in pain anymore, i don't want to hurt the family members i care about. and i definitely don't want an afterlife. thanks for reading, sorry for the wall of text. i really appreciate the people here.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Well. It sounds like you are in a similar position to me down to the chronic head pain. Dealt a very shitty hand with myriad issues and tried to give life an honest, fair shake but it didn't work out. I mean this with full respect, but in light of what you say you deal with it shouldn't surprise anyone that you would want to die. But I know it's a very different story when people are your relatives. Do you they know anything about your wishes, what you go through? Your low quality of life Is on full dsplay to them and unfortunately love and friendship cure these sorts of issues as well as they cure cancer. But in the case of the latter no one blames love for not being enough.

I also fear failure which of course would entail hospitalization. Death is preferable to being in one of those places again and I am not alone in that sentiment.

It seems a potential problem is them discovering your body. I know you'd probably really rather that not happen but it doesn't seem like you have much choice. Maybe you can lie under a sheet with a message warning them so they can have that choice?

I'm sorry. I know it's a tough situation. It is sad to lose a loved one, but so is insisting someone continue to endure a permanently unacceptable quality of life solely for their sake.

 

[Zegers]

it's not my preferred method

It's not my fav method either, my method in mind for years has been a firearm but it's hard to get. SN it's effective which is the most important thing.

 

[shamefulfaliure]

my biggest fear is the afterlife, not death I come from a deeply religious background and they say u would come back with more problems than u are facing now but I am getting my SN this week I know my time is coming soon

 

[Lost Magic]

Do you have anti-sickness medications?

 

[Lawliet]

Well. It sounds like you are in a similar position to me down to the chronic head pain. Dealt a very shitty hand with myriad issues and tried to give life an honest, fair shake but it didn't work out. I mean this with full respect, but in light of what you say you deal with it shouldn't surprise anyone that you would want to die. But I know it's a very different story when people are your relatives. Do you they know anything about your wishes, what you go through? Your low quality of life Is on full dsplay to them and unfortunately love and friendship cure these sorts of issues as well as they cure cancer. But in the case of the latter no one blames love for not being enough.

I also fear failure which of course would entail hospitalization. Death is preferable to being in one of those places again and I am not alone in that sentiment.

It seems a potential problem is them discovering your body. I know you'd probably really rather that not happen but it doesn't seem like you have much choice. Maybe you can lie under a sheet with a message warning them so they can have that choice?

I'm sorry. I know it's a tough situation. It is sad to lose a loved one, but so is insisting someone continue to endure a permanently unacceptable quality of life solely for their sake.

i take no offense whatsoever, in fact my my mom called me brave today for dealing with all the things that i am, when in reality i think i'm brave for deciding to end it. i'm so sorry you're in a similar situation, head pain is terrible.

i think i might leave a note on the door to just have my dad come in, although that may be suspicious. i think he will take it best out of anyone in my family. but i am reminded that i have nephews and a niece, those poor things. luckily only one is old enough to understand these things.

It's not my fav method either, my method in mind for years has been a firearm but it's hard to get. SN it's effective which is the most important thing.

my aunt committed suicide by firearm. i would be too scared to miss. i know SN isn't pretty but i think that is less so. hoping you find what works for you.

my biggest fear is the afterlife, not death I come from a deeply religious background and they say u would come back with more problems than u are facing now but I am getting my SN this week I know my time is coming soon

i was raised religious as well. here's to hoping for oblivion, and congrats on getting your SN.

Do you have anti-sickness medications?

i do, i have meto, zofran, and phenergran. i will be implementing extra to account for my stomach problems. i've been on meto for about two years and it's been great for me.

 

[Zegers]

My only option now is SN i will see if i can get N/Firearm in next months or i will go with this.

 

[AnxietyHangover]

The family issue is an issue for me as well. But i try to remind myself that i have to think about myself at least once in my life.

 

[literallydonee]

i take no offense whatsoever, in fact my my mom called me brave today for dealing with all the things that i am, when in reality i think i'm brave for deciding to end it. i'm so sorry you're in a similar situation, head pain is terrible.

i think i might leave a note on the door to just have my dad come in, although that may be suspicious. i think he will take it best out of anyone in my family. but i am reminded that i have nephews and a niece, those poor things. luckily only one is old enough to understand these things.

my aunt committed suicide by firearm. i would be too scared to miss. i know SN isn't pretty but i think that is less so. hoping you find what works for you.

i was raised religious as well. here's to hoping for oblivion, and congrats on getting your SN.

i do, i have meto, zofran, and phenergran. i will be implementing extra to account for my stomach problems. i've been on meto for about two years and it's been great for me.

How is SN not pretty? Just because you throw up and stuff? Most reports show it's peaceful with AE

 

[Rounded Agony]

Hey, I've been seeing your writings around lately and sorry to hear the details about your situation (also not a wall of text at all; my first/intro post was thousands of words long lol). I thought maybe your family might support your decision but if they are still actively religious, maybe not. You may also not live in a place where you could get "legitimate" medical interventative help with this. I hope you can figure something out and don't hesitate to connect if needed.

 

[makethepainstop]

Only the person who takes the bus can decide on its departure date and time. I got my sn before I was even a member here. Love and hugs to you all.

 

[Hope:-)]

I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I too am scared x

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds like you have suffered a lot in life and it's understandable wanting to be free from all that. Life is just so cruel. I wish you the best.

 

[Lawliet]

How is SN not pretty? Just because you throw up and stuff? Most reports show it's peaceful with AE

i hear the corpse isn't pretty, but then again when is a corpse ever pretty?

Hey, I've been seeing your writings around lately and sorry to hear the details about your situation (also not a wall of text at all; my first/intro post was thousands of words long lol). I thought maybe your family might support your decision but if they are still actively religious, maybe not. You may also not live in a place where you could get "legitimate" medical interventative help with this. I hope you can figure something out and don't hesitate to connect if needed.

thank you, i really appreciate it. and no, my parents wouldn't be supportive of all unless it was something terminal, and even then idk.

It really sounds like you have suffered a lot in life and it's understandable wanting to be free from all that. Life is just so cruel. I wish you the best.

thank you, funeralcry. i'm wishing you the best too.

i have like one more test i can do about my headaches, it's supposed to be painful and i'm scared. i would like to just slip away.

i also wish that someone would just murder me, like shoot me and have me die quick. that way i can be a martyr instead of an "embarrassment" and "selfish" (even think i don't think suicide is selfish)

 

[LaVieEnRose]

What test is that for your headaches?

 

[Lawliet]

What test is that for your headaches?

it's called an EMG, or a nerve conductive test. it involves needles and i'm so scared of them. i already had a lumbar puncture done and that traumatized me

 

[MountainMonkey]

I had the EMG test a week ago. It's really not that bad. A few tiny shocks, then a few pricks. It's not comfortable but it's quick

 

[Lawliet]

I had the EMG test a week ago. It's really not that bad. A few tiny shocks, then a few pricks. It's not comfortable but it's quick

thank you so much, i can do quick. this makes me feel a lot better.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

it's called an EMG, or a nerve conductive test. it involves needles and i'm so scared of them. i already had a lumbar puncture done and that traumatized me

I hope it brings relief. Even to the point of no longer wanting to CTB. It's great you're trying something new.

 

[Lawliet]

I hope it brings relief. Even to the point of no longer wanting to CTB. It's great you're trying something new.

i appreciate the support. literally every test i've done has been inconclusive. if this one is the same, i'm absolutely on the fast track to CBT.