Anon31551
New Member
- May 20, 2024
- 2
Hi.. I hope no one I know sees this (then again if they do, I don't really care, though I'm still going to talk in a way that they can't recognize me with)
So about 5 years ago, I started really just losing interest in life. I don't remember exactly why, but I certainly remember me being left out of a lot of things prior and even then I was still having it, and my mind just dis-orienting itself. I got myself into fights on GitHub, I constantly make myself cringe out a lot of what I said to this day, to the point I beat my head against something, thinking why did I do this, I'm so fucking stupid. That may not sound bad, but oh, it gets worse.
Fast forward a couple years, at this point I'm thinking of no longer being mormon, as 8 months prior to that a long term abuse cycle would continue from a seminary teacher, where I was berated and bullied every day during a very emotional time for me when things weren't going so well with friends on Discord. I scarcely had any friends IRL, just so you know, so that was my way of socializing, and I've come to adapt to that over the years, but it did cause a lot of problems for me. The abuse combined with my emotionalness damaged a lot of my cognitive abilities, such as my ability to debate in a conversation and do clear thinking. This caused me to let down my guard and let myself get catfished by someone who was 3 years younger than me, losing pretty much 90% of my friends a month later, and also damaging my relationship with my family and my brother, which would make me even MORE miserable. Combined with that, I eventually was able to clarify to myself that I wasn't what I thought I was, and was able to calm down, but I still had 8 million other problems. Then it gets worse. As of the past few weeks, I've screwed up a lot with my only gf I'm likely ever going to get, to the point where she said "i think it maybe best if i limit contact w/ u 4 a month or so, I needs to find myself again...", I even lost my cat whom I've had since I was 6, all in the same week! And my parents constantly want to cut and trim everything I try to grow out (because it looks nice to me) and to make it even *worse* I now can't breathe for the past few days wondering whether I'll be able to see or be in love with my gf again, ever find my cat, ever see my best friends again, and everything. In the past I've had suicidal tendencies, but now as of today I've had a full-blown want. Please help if you can. Everyone I've talked to is either busy, asleep, or does not care in the slightest.
EDIT: Actually I do have something I want to add, I hate the hotline. I've gone to them I don't know how many times and it's always the same generic response. Fuck them. They don't give a fuck about anyone at all or know how hard it is for me to exist. The worst part is I haven't even told you half of it. I suffer constantly even with headaches, nausea, falling over at least a few times a day, and dealing with transphobes on a daily basis.
So about 5 years ago, I started really just losing interest in life. I don't remember exactly why, but I certainly remember me being left out of a lot of things prior and even then I was still having it, and my mind just dis-orienting itself. I got myself into fights on GitHub, I constantly make myself cringe out a lot of what I said to this day, to the point I beat my head against something, thinking why did I do this, I'm so fucking stupid. That may not sound bad, but oh, it gets worse.
Fast forward a couple years, at this point I'm thinking of no longer being mormon, as 8 months prior to that a long term abuse cycle would continue from a seminary teacher, where I was berated and bullied every day during a very emotional time for me when things weren't going so well with friends on Discord. I scarcely had any friends IRL, just so you know, so that was my way of socializing, and I've come to adapt to that over the years, but it did cause a lot of problems for me. The abuse combined with my emotionalness damaged a lot of my cognitive abilities, such as my ability to debate in a conversation and do clear thinking. This caused me to let down my guard and let myself get catfished by someone who was 3 years younger than me, losing pretty much 90% of my friends a month later, and also damaging my relationship with my family and my brother, which would make me even MORE miserable. Combined with that, I eventually was able to clarify to myself that I wasn't what I thought I was, and was able to calm down, but I still had 8 million other problems. Then it gets worse. As of the past few weeks, I've screwed up a lot with my only gf I'm likely ever going to get, to the point where she said "i think it maybe best if i limit contact w/ u 4 a month or so, I needs to find myself again...", I even lost my cat whom I've had since I was 6, all in the same week! And my parents constantly want to cut and trim everything I try to grow out (because it looks nice to me) and to make it even *worse* I now can't breathe for the past few days wondering whether I'll be able to see or be in love with my gf again, ever find my cat, ever see my best friends again, and everything. In the past I've had suicidal tendencies, but now as of today I've had a full-blown want. Please help if you can. Everyone I've talked to is either busy, asleep, or does not care in the slightest.
EDIT: Actually I do have something I want to add, I hate the hotline. I've gone to them I don't know how many times and it's always the same generic response. Fuck them. They don't give a fuck about anyone at all or know how hard it is for me to exist. The worst part is I haven't even told you half of it. I suffer constantly even with headaches, nausea, falling over at least a few times a day, and dealing with transphobes on a daily basis.
Last edited:
