NSFW I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and my rapist made it infinitely worse than it ever had been before.

[K-β]

Its been another few months since I last posted here. I'm in university now and being around other people is nauseating. On one hand I find myself less alienated by the fact that I have many friends (doubly so that they are equally if not more mentally ill than me). However that's not really new. I knew I wasn't uniquely suicidal. As such, when I say "less" I mean that very marginally. At the very least I have somehow managed to stay six months clean of self harm. Which is honestly a miracle to me. I figure part of the reason is likely due to lack of availability to proper resources when I engage in such acts. Simultaneously I find myself too apathetic to purchase them from my local drug store.

I've also figured out a lot about myself since coming here. Notably that I have severe OCD. Which, as I have come to realize, has completely ruined my life and any hope of living normally among human beings and being able to interact with them in any way. Holding a mere conversation plagues me with incessant intrusive thoughts about the person standing in front of me, and cripples my ability to do just about any normal activity that any human can, driving, having a stable job with bearable amounts of frustration.

Last night I compulsively opened my eyes every time I tried to shut them to sleep. This went on so long that I passed out and was immediately woken up afterwards by an alarm. My first exam included a heart palpitation that left me unable to focus my eyes unconsciously for a few hours. I cannot so much as walk down the pathways at my university without looking like a freak, avoiding the cracks as if I'm some kind of child, lest I get flashing images of gore and bodies.

I was raped. My ex-partner raped me and put me at risk for HIV without my knowing when she did it and I cannot get it out of my head at all. I hate the way people stare at me and when they touch me and I despise sex with every fiber of my being. I hate her for ruining my life. I hate wanting to be good looking because now that I do I feel like I'm constantly being punished with the eyes of others. More than ever they look me up and down and stare at me. I can feel men undress me with their eyes, hyper-sexual freaks stroke my thighs and tell me how much they want "dick" like I'm not a woman, or they tell me I'm having sex with my friends and touch me. God I hate when people touch me, I hate their grubby germ infested little hands and their putrid rank smells and their disgusting mouths and the way they look at me when they do it without asking. I hate this constant mental anguish and hyper-vigilance. I hate my ex for abusing me on and off for over two years and wasting away the last few years of my childhood. I live across the hall from my rapist and every day I have to see her in some way shape or form. The closest we've ever gotten to talking was her blowing her cigarette smoke in my face as she walked by. I've even loosely attempted suicide again since I've gotten here, that is to say I've tried to figure out if my belt can hang properly off my lofted bed so that I can hang myself again.

The amazing kicker to it all is that now that I've realized I have OCD my symptoms have somehow gotten worse. Maybe it's coincidental, maybe it has to do with my grandfather dying this Sunday or with the stress of university but I really cannot handle it anymore. I can't go through life like this, and no medication has or seems to work for me, and therapy doesn't seem to work either. This disease is fucking evil and it's killing me slowly. I am on a spiral towards suicide and I don't even know if I'll be able to see myself graduate at this point. It would be so nice to just disappear without any of the weight that holds me here.

 

[needthebus]

so sorry, ocd is a hard disease to treat

i was the victim of sexual violence and it ruined my life so i understand how a situation like that can mess up sex

i dont want to have sex either and hate being touched

 

[NoPoint2Life]

I have severe ocd and it sucks. I can't imagine dealing with a sexual assault too.
I'm so sorry.
My ocd came out of nowhere as an adult and got worse for years. Prozac and ERP therapy helped a lot but I have gotten to the point where I feel stuck and incapable of making any more progress.

 

[needthebus]

everything is awful and rotten now, i'm just so unhappy all the time, i'm so angry, and i hate the mental health professional who also give you no control

sexual violence = no control

mental health industry = no control, they decide if you get locked up or not, they decide if you have to be on medication, they decide what you can do with privacy and what the industry rules are, they decide what bullshit assessments you must take if you want to talk to someone, there's no control in getting mental health, you have to submit submit to their fucking bullshit

i'm going to be so glad when i'm on the verge of death and take my last breath, fuck this shithole world

 

[ConstantPain]

I'm so sorry that other posters here have gone through sexual assaults. I hope there's a way to get beyond them and find some peace. I've been though marriage with an alcoholic who very much expects and demands it but not an actual attack and can only imagine how terrible that must be.
I also sympathize for those with OCD because it must be so frustrating and intrusive.

As far as sex goes, I hate it and wish I would never have to do it again. I find it repulsive and disgusting which I know isn't healthy but oh well. Sex is responsible for so much violence and trauma that I can't understand why it's celebrated. I was happy to read about the 4B movement and how it's growing in the US since the election. Sorry that I can't find the link to include here but I'm sure it will be easy to find info on 4B by searching. It's thought to have originated in S. Korea and basically is about women taking control of our power. It's about no dating, no marriage, not having heterosexual sex, and not having babies. Apparently it is gaining popularity in the US and I completely understand why. Sorry to the nice men out there because I know it's not fair for you. The reason it exists though is because of the discrimination, violence, and gender expectations women endure that aren't fair for us either.
I'm stuck in a marriage I wish never happened and was able to have an abortion in the more progressive nineties. I've been on birth control my entire adult life and am now at an age where getting pregnant is very unlikely. The fact that the US is reversing women's rights and that young women today face barriers to abortions and accessing birth control is preposterous.

I also agree that the MH system sucks. Venting here is better therapy for me than any MH provider I've gone to.