TheHolySword
empty heart
- Nov 22, 2024
- 449
For our American friends, today was Thanksgiving. I always hated this holiday. It was an excuse to see family which I always love to but it has always felt so empty to me. It makes me sad, there's so little happiness around today. I hate needing to be thankful for anything. I feel so guilty.
The truth is that I don't really have so horrible a life when you look at the surface. I have a family who loves and supports me. I have a decent paying job that I don't hate with amazing benefits and coworkers I get along with. My irl friends are all so supportive of my identity as a trans woman and never stopped loving me. Before I self sabotaged everything I had a solid support system and a blossoming relationship with the girl of my dreams (I'm all alone now though, only included this because I feel guilty giving it all up just to ctb, I feel so ungrateful for what I was given just to throw it all away). I have a roof over my head, food to eat every day, clothes, and whatever else I need to survive. I have my pets and they are in good health. I have time enough to spend on my hobbies and interests and whatever else. There's so much in my life that I should be thankful for. But I'm just not thankful for any of it. And I feel so horrible that I'm not.
I wish there was nothing at all in my life worth staying for. I wish my family was not as big as it is, I wish they didn't care about me. I wish I didn't have any irl friends that would have to look at an empty chair and think of me. I wish there were no one to miss me, no one to mourn me. I feel guilty that I am going to leave my pets without answers and they will feel that I abandoned them. I wish my life were horrible enough to justify the pain that I am in day in and day out. It's like I take it all for granted. There are so many who would take my place in a heartbeat and I wish I could give it to them because I do not want this life. I'm thankful for my younger brother because he has been my anchor for so long but when I really think about it I'm not thankful at all because without him I wouldn't have to be here anymore.
I'm just so tired. I don't know how to be thankful for a life in which I'm miserable and think about my death every waking moment. I'm lucky to have the privileges that I do. I think that I do not deserve this life.
The truth is that I don't really have so horrible a life when you look at the surface. I have a family who loves and supports me. I have a decent paying job that I don't hate with amazing benefits and coworkers I get along with. My irl friends are all so supportive of my identity as a trans woman and never stopped loving me. Before I self sabotaged everything I had a solid support system and a blossoming relationship with the girl of my dreams (I'm all alone now though, only included this because I feel guilty giving it all up just to ctb, I feel so ungrateful for what I was given just to throw it all away). I have a roof over my head, food to eat every day, clothes, and whatever else I need to survive. I have my pets and they are in good health. I have time enough to spend on my hobbies and interests and whatever else. There's so much in my life that I should be thankful for. But I'm just not thankful for any of it. And I feel so horrible that I'm not.
I wish there was nothing at all in my life worth staying for. I wish my family was not as big as it is, I wish they didn't care about me. I wish I didn't have any irl friends that would have to look at an empty chair and think of me. I wish there were no one to miss me, no one to mourn me. I feel guilty that I am going to leave my pets without answers and they will feel that I abandoned them. I wish my life were horrible enough to justify the pain that I am in day in and day out. It's like I take it all for granted. There are so many who would take my place in a heartbeat and I wish I could give it to them because I do not want this life. I'm thankful for my younger brother because he has been my anchor for so long but when I really think about it I'm not thankful at all because without him I wouldn't have to be here anymore.
I'm just so tired. I don't know how to be thankful for a life in which I'm miserable and think about my death every waking moment. I'm lucky to have the privileges that I do. I think that I do not deserve this life.