SomewhatLoved
all bleeding stops eventually...
- Apr 12, 2023
- 414
I've been thinking about this a lot. I've come to the conclusion that if I really ever want to achieve my dream the way I would like to, I have to leave my job sooner or later.
My dream is to get married to someone who I really, truly love. I know this type of dream is never guaranteed and that good people sometimes just don't find their soulmate but I think if I can't go through with suicide (which I seem unable to do), I should at least try to pursue my dream.
When I was 19 I started pursuing paramedicine. I had instructors tell me it would strain relationships and that it is a job which makes having a relationship difficult. Impossible? No, but difficult. Divorce rates are significantly higher among paramedics than the general public. You work long 12 hour days, nights, weekends, holidays... You will inevitably miss something sooner or later. Even on your days off, sometimes you are tired. Sometimes you are mentally, physically, emotionally, or spiritually being strained by something you saw. There is no "off" switch that allows you to just magically disconnect from and forget about work when you saw something horrific and you just want to come home to see your wife and hug her and eat dinner together. Maybe you have a shift the next day so there is very little time to relax. Maybe by the time you're off and get home your wife is already asleep. Often I get up and the sun hasn't risen and when I get home the sun has set. Sometimes the only time I see sun are at emergencies and I don't get to "enjoy" it in my own time.
I think it's possible to have a successful marriage and be a paramedic, but this job is and always will be a detractor from a relationship, and not anything else. My wife would have to share me with the world. I would have to give other people my compassion and attention, and I know some days I would come home emotionally exhausted and it would be difficult or even impossible to care for her and show affection. Sometimes this job just drains me of any energy I have to be emotional.
It's difficult, though. This job is kind of the only thing I have ever been good at and I don't really know what else I would do.
It is possible to go into paramedic education and be an instructor, I suppose I could be a casual employee and just pick up full-time hours of only day shifts during the week but then I would not have any benefits, pension, etc. I could also do management or go into a more policy/government -oriented position, but I hate sitting in a desk and the politics of management. I've never been much of a career person, but this is kind of the only thing that has ever felt "right" for me to do (even if that feeling has mostly gone away now).
I'm not sure if I can even get married in a healthy way. I have been mentally unwell since childhood and I know that this is also an obstacle. My understanding is that your childhood tends to define your life, and even if in some ways I could get better, I think in other ways I will always be diseased. But if I do have that opportunity, I want to love my wife fully. I don't want her to have to share me with the world or anybody or anything else. It would be unfair for her to have to feel unappreciated because I am out of emotional battery that day from dealing with other people's problems.
My dream is to get married to someone who I really, truly love. I know this type of dream is never guaranteed and that good people sometimes just don't find their soulmate but I think if I can't go through with suicide (which I seem unable to do), I should at least try to pursue my dream.
When I was 19 I started pursuing paramedicine. I had instructors tell me it would strain relationships and that it is a job which makes having a relationship difficult. Impossible? No, but difficult. Divorce rates are significantly higher among paramedics than the general public. You work long 12 hour days, nights, weekends, holidays... You will inevitably miss something sooner or later. Even on your days off, sometimes you are tired. Sometimes you are mentally, physically, emotionally, or spiritually being strained by something you saw. There is no "off" switch that allows you to just magically disconnect from and forget about work when you saw something horrific and you just want to come home to see your wife and hug her and eat dinner together. Maybe you have a shift the next day so there is very little time to relax. Maybe by the time you're off and get home your wife is already asleep. Often I get up and the sun hasn't risen and when I get home the sun has set. Sometimes the only time I see sun are at emergencies and I don't get to "enjoy" it in my own time.
I think it's possible to have a successful marriage and be a paramedic, but this job is and always will be a detractor from a relationship, and not anything else. My wife would have to share me with the world. I would have to give other people my compassion and attention, and I know some days I would come home emotionally exhausted and it would be difficult or even impossible to care for her and show affection. Sometimes this job just drains me of any energy I have to be emotional.
It's difficult, though. This job is kind of the only thing I have ever been good at and I don't really know what else I would do.
It is possible to go into paramedic education and be an instructor, I suppose I could be a casual employee and just pick up full-time hours of only day shifts during the week but then I would not have any benefits, pension, etc. I could also do management or go into a more policy/government -oriented position, but I hate sitting in a desk and the politics of management. I've never been much of a career person, but this is kind of the only thing that has ever felt "right" for me to do (even if that feeling has mostly gone away now).
I'm not sure if I can even get married in a healthy way. I have been mentally unwell since childhood and I know that this is also an obstacle. My understanding is that your childhood tends to define your life, and even if in some ways I could get better, I think in other ways I will always be diseased. But if I do have that opportunity, I want to love my wife fully. I don't want her to have to share me with the world or anybody or anything else. It would be unfair for her to have to feel unappreciated because I am out of emotional battery that day from dealing with other people's problems.
