I just bought a shotgun

[Wanting yet Unable]

It went way more smoothly than I was expecting and I was able to walk away with it the same day. Thought there would be a waiting period but guess not. The only part that made me nervous was the background check on the computer. Was half expecting it to spit out that I hang out on suicide forums and get kicked out of the store. I know that's irrational thinking as I'm fairly sure that it just checks for criminal history and involuntary psych ward visits. I don't live in a super surveillance state that can link every anonymous internet post to its author...yet.

The man running the place was very helpful and friendly which is unfortunate. I wish he was cold and rude. Makes me feel guilty. I hope there isn't any negative attention against the store if I go through with ending my life with this thing.

About a month and a half ago I went through the worst mental anguish I have ever experienced. It was hell. No escape. This was fight or flight levels of mental torture. Absolutely suffocating. I had to flee my house at 2am and just go somewhere, anywhere, and hope it went away. It did not work. Nothing I could do to relieve it. If I had this gun back then there is a high chance I would have shot myself. I NEVER. EVER. want to experience that again. That's what prompted me to buy this gun as soon as possible. Next time there will be an escape available to me.

Now I'm back to my usual level of misery. I still despise my life circumstances and want my pain to end but at least I don't feel like I'm being actively tortured in the worst way possible. Well mentally that is. I'm still suffering from a lot of physical chronic pain. Why does life have to be so terrible?

The only thing left to figure out with the gun is the ammo situation. I chose 00 buckshot as per the suggestions seen around this forum but it seems there's different pellet count variants. I got buckshot with 12 pellets per shot but there are some with 8 and 9. Does anyone know what would be more effective? I know it's probably not going to change the results much but this is life and death here. I do not want to screw this up. If 8 or 9 pellets is microscopically more damaging than 12 then I want to use that instead.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you've suffered so much, it's just so cruel to me how there's all this terrible suffering in existing. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[L'absent]

How I envy you. Now you can send your brain into orbit at any time. Ufff... all I can do is be happy for you.

 

[Wanting yet Unable]

It sounds like you've suffered so much, it's just so cruel to me how there's all this terrible suffering in existing. But anyway I wish you the best.

Thank you for the words of understanding. It seems this forum is one of the only places where you can find sympathetic people who actually get it because they too are also suffering greatly. I also wish you the best.

 

[notreallybored]

ב''ה,

Not much of a gun nut but I have been told covering (aiming for) the brainstem is the difference between fatality and a heartwarming human interest story about being paralyzed and shitting yourself with half the brain missing.

 

[Wanting yet Unable]

How I envy you. Now you can send your brain into orbit at any time. Ufff... all I can do is be happy for you.

I forget that not everyone has access to reliable methods. I apologize if my post made you feel hopeless or worsened your mood in any way. Still I feel like overcoming survival instinct is going to be the one of the hardest things I've ever done. Having access to a gun makes me feel better but actually using it is not going to be easy at all. I may even look into other methods such as Sodium Nitrite if I decide this is too much. The thought of screwing up the shot and winding up paralyzed or a vegetable is just unfathomably terrible.

 

[L'absent]

Don't worry. Mine is genuine envy. Indeed, having a rifle is like winning the lottery, then obviously you have to pull the trigger. I would do it immediately, but I understand that there are people who are a little afraid.

 

[blacksand]

Very little in difference between the ammo types. My shotgun is currently loaded with 9 pellet 00 buck although I've attempted to ctb with slugs in the past before chickening.

 

[L'absent]

Very little in difference between the ammo types. My shotgun is currently loaded with 9 pellet 00 buck although I've attempted to ctb with slugs in the past before chickening.

Have you tried to commit suicide with a gun and are you still alive?

 

[blacksand]

Have you tried to commit suicide with a gun and are you still alive?

I've stuck a shotgun in my mouth and pulled the trigger to the edge of it firing.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

it just checks for criminal history and psych ward visits

Uhh...just involuntary holds, right? I checked myself in for a few days five years ago.

 

[Wanting yet Unable]

Uhh...just involuntary holds, right? I checked myself in for a few days five years ago.

I was just guessing that's what it was checking for. I don't really know how background checks work. After a quick online search it seems they won't bar you from buying if it was voluntary? I think you have to actually be declared a danger to yourself/others or mentally incompetent by officials. I bet local laws vary on this though. Best to check. I edited my post.