Venting I just couldn't figure it out

[cantdecidenameeven]

It seems that my peers, and everyone around me always know something that I don't. This isn't just a feeling or a thought, it's factual. Backed by real life evidence.

I have 4 competitors who figured out how to get access to something I desperately need for my business to function. They figured it out, why can't I? Are they smarter? Why can't I figure it out? I thought I had it worked out, but things fell apart.

Not just business, why am I the only one who never had a girl? okay, I think I know the answer to that one. I never really pursued anyone enough, it feels draining. My friends talk to 3-4 girls at a time but how? I don't have the energy to talk to just one for long enough for it to mean anything. I just stop responding eventually.

I think I have a fear within me that I will disappoint them eventually, that fear follows me everywhere. Business, dating, relationships, life in general.

I remember on the first day of uni, everyone was making friends, and I thought I made a few. Took a lot of energy......but I was a "placeholder" friend. The 2 friends I made moved on to someone else, and I was left alone.

But I was their friend first.

I just stopped trying in general to make friends, I feel they'll eventually leave as my energy is too low and I'm too awkward and anxious in general, sometimes I'm extroverted and fun to be around but often times I'm not. When they hang around my "low energy" self, they leave. They don't bother and i don't blame them, I'm boring when I'm not okay.

It's unfortunate that I always have to put on a show of some kind to be loved and accepted. I'm not neurotypical. Wish I could find friends like me in real life.

I think online, I'm able to show my trust self. That's why I have plenty of online friends but it's depressing -- Because I see my unreachable potential. I can imagine how my life would be had I not been this anxious, awkward man I am today.

Being shy is ruining me and depriving me of many opportunities. I fear being perceived so much.

I had a good gym body, i got depressed for a year and lost my gym hyperfixation, now it's all gone. I used to be complimented on my body a lot. I used to think, if only I had a good body I would have the courage to talk to this girl I'm crushing on in college. But I did have the body, and I never did talk tuah er.


So now I go back to college, on my last year, with a weakened body but at least I have a better face as it doesn't have all that fat from bulking and gym shit. Maybe it's not over and I can shoot my shot this time? I said that many times and I never did.

Look, we all know a struggle story that ended up in riches and the person getting everything they want. But to tell you the truth, I don't even think I want the "treasure" that comes after the suffering anymore.

I want nothingness more than I want riches. I don't want to suffer anymore. But I'm trapped, I can't kill myself. I can't do that to my family. I just can't.

So I'll keep going through THE FUCKING motions of it all. My parents are good people who sacrificed a lot for me. Mom, I'm really sorry I am like this. I'm sorry I'm not a Muslim, I'm sorry I think Islam and religion is just bullshit. I'm sorry I'm not the good son you wanted me to be. I wish I had buried my head in the sand, but I can't go back to religion after studying it the way I did. You deserve better.....you went through a lot for me and a lot in general and you fought battles much harder than mine but I am not as strong as you. I don't have the energy or strength to even fake my prayer to please you. So little you ask of me and I can't even pretend? I don't know why I'm like this. I don't know why I struggle to do anything. I really wish things were different. I'm sorry dad, you work so much I don't even see you but your love is there. I'm sorry for disappointing you all these times. I'm sorry for my executive dysfunction, how it impairs me, how everything feels like a battle. I'm sorry I cost a lot to maintain, I'm sorry you work a shitty job that hardly pays just to keep us afloat, because your 21 year old son is a failure who struggles to find and maintain opportunities. It's hard running a business from a 3rd world country. I tried, I really did. I was a bad investment dad, I wish there was another reality out there where you got the son you wanted. The son that prays, watches soccer with you, and actually opens up to you or something. I'm sorry for all my fuckups. You and mom gave up so much for me, I'm sorry that in the end this is what you got. I will keep fighting till my last breath though I pray it is soon. I never stopped loving you two when you'd say shit like who would think of me or that I'm ugly or blabla, I just stopped loving myself. You two had insane parents and families, you did your best to not transfer that trauma to me. You weren't perfect, but it's your first time living too. So I forgive you, though it's easy to forgive you after everything you did for me. But I don't blame you if I'm not at all easy to forgive. In the end, everything I did in life I did it out of love and out of desperation for reciprocity. I am so sorry.
I know my writing is all over the place, I'm sorry for that. It's too much for someone to take in that I know, and I understand if no one wants to bother reading it. I just want one person to read this, just one. I'm not asking for anything else just 1 person to read this so I feel a little heard. You have no idea how much you will mean to me. I'll be greatly indebted to you. I'm sorry for my pathetic desperation.

 

[Alabaster]

Hello!

On a lazy scan, it seems like you could benefit from some extra resilience, which would allow you to recover from knockbacks and keep trying. I kind of think that's most of what you need, I think most of the current difference in outcomes you are observing comes down to that.

I don't know what your medication situation is at the moment, but your case strikes me as one that antidepressants can actually help with. Have you tried any? A cautious, low-dose (watch out for any manic feelings or anything like that, from experience, mania can be hard for a depressed person to distinguish from 'regular people normal') something-or-other could help. I'm not a doctor, of course.

But what I actually wanted to say is, I really doubt the results from all your previous work in the gym are fully gone. I bet you're in much better shape, look better, are stronger, and so on than before, and more than you currently are able to see. Even if that's just a better basis to get back on and start improving again, it's not a waste. Gains come back easier the second time around, too. Something like, there are already extra muscle cells there now, they've just shrunk back down, and can grow again easily. Bro science maybe but I think it's true.

Try looking around at the really average people - don't just focus on the ones currently in good shape - and you'll probably see you're at least solidly above average. That's kinda enough all by itself.

Sorry I don't have anything more profound to say right now but I'm heartily wishing you luck. I think you can do it. 21 is nothing, you can come back from anything, trust me. If business stuff doesn't work out it doesn't matter. You can learn from it and take that knowledge into anything, or maybe more ideally, learn from things you missed and plow that knowledge back into what you're already doing. But I really think the first thing is to see a doctor and get some medication to just give your mood a little boost - nothing crazy, 5%, 10%, whatever. You probably already know how powerful a small change can be from your studies.