I just don't have anyone else to say goodbye to. I could really use some support. I'm not afraid anymore. Things have been so bad for so long.

[MrsevenTseven]

Hi guys. I'm not too sure why I'm writing this.
I thought about messaging my son's mom. We aren't together anymore. But, I think maybe she would care.

I've come to terms with a lot of things lately and I've been planning this for a really long time.

On the 21st of this month. I'm going to head out on foot into the woods as far north of my city as I can walk. I have about 3 months worth of benzodiapines I've stored away and I'm going to get a bottle of whiskey tomorrow.

I hope I don't sound insane. I know there's no way any of this is going to matter to anybody. But it gives me a lot of comfort to be able to write this all out. I've planned it all for such a long time. I'll be turning 29 on the 21st of this month.

I'm gonna head out early in the morning around 4 am.

Once I find a peaceful place. I'm going to sit down and use my little camping stove to cook some food. I'm going to put on and episode of star trek voyager on my phone. and I'm going to eat a meal. After I eat and watch some star trek ( it's such comforting show for me) I'm going to start drinking for a while. Once I finish all of my whiskey and smoke some weed. I'm going to take all of the benzos I've been storing for these months. Then I'm going to lay down and play some of my son's favorite music that we used to listen to together..

It took such a long time for me to reach this point. I've spent a lot of years being angry and anxious and really depressed.

But these last few years. It's like I'm not human being. Sleeping less than 2 hours a night and panicking and crying anytime I'm alone. I love my son and I really do love my son's mom.. I've said so many things I regret to her. So many things I can never take back. I'm furious at her for destroying my family. But I worry about her so damn much.. She left about 2 years ago. I know she didn't want to watch me hurt my mind and hurt my spirit and body so much anymore.. Our relationship was filled with horrible emotional problems and it was just because we couldnt grow as people.

There are so many bad memories
I still remember, when she came out the bathroom after cutting her arm. We hadn't been fighting. We were watching chopped together on food network and she went to the bathroom. She came out covered in blood. Dripping down her fingers. My son was asleep in his crib.

I was so fucking scared. I was 19 years old. I ran to her... I ran to the bathroom and saw the shower drain clogged and blood all over the bathroom. I thought she was gonna die. I kept saying we need to call an ambulance.

Then I remember being hit in the face with her bloody hands over and over again. I remember being told my son wasnt really mine and that I Should be the one killing myself. I was a worthless piece of shit and I needed to die

We had already been together for close to year and I really did love her. We argued a lot but I was really codependent on her and all that mattered to me was what she thought about me.

We stayed together and things never got better... now I was angry and bitter and completely terrified every second of every single day.... Her family saw her kick my ass and they me just let her do it more than once. They knew. They called social services on me. They said that I hit my son's mom. I have never hit her in almost 10 years of knowing her.

We were investigated and cleared and the fights never got any better.... I refused to hit her but i was so angry and bitter all the time by this point. My son was around while all of this things were happening and I couldn't understand how she could do any of these things. I never got a chance to forgive her. Every time I did. She's break more things or throw more things at me or kick my ass more... her and her family would threaten to kick my ass. Years of social service threats and calls, being tackled into walls. Knives pulled on me.

Years of going into the bathroom and locking the door to sleep at night. Years of waking up in terror and going to hide somewhere to cry. Every single day for years.

She talked to other men and did anything she wanted. She tried to ask men if my son could sleep in there car. She would take him out at 3 and 4 in the morning and he just an infant. She would angry and grab my son in only his diaper and walk off saying If I don't want to be with her that he's leaving too.

Having carseats thrown at us, cell phones, food, having all my clothes torn to shreds. , knives thrown at me..... I loved her so much. I just couldn't fucking understand. And I was started to get so bitter. I loved her so much and I was so angry at her all the time for how she treated and I felt so guilty and feel so guilty still about how much anger I have in my her for this woman i loved so fucking much.....

I tried to defend myself from her physically 1 time in all those years..... she was hitting me in the face over and over and over again with a literal bag of potatoes telling me i was fat piece of shit again telling me to kill myself again telling me horrible things. NEVER have laid a hand on my son's mom but this time for the first and absolute ONLY time I tried to push her away.... she screamed at the top her lungs and told the neighbor and police I was trying to beat her up and throw her though the wall...... I ended up being arrested. Social services came into the picture and my son was taken away from us for a few months amd then social services stuck around over a year.

I watched the woman I loved and adored and was absolutely terrified of. Lie about me to social services for over a year

And I helped her do it. I didn't. Want her to get in any trouble. I didn't want her to lose our son.... I loved her so much... I thought I deserved all of the panic attacks and being hit and blackmail. I thought I deserved it. And I spent years. Putting her and her actions before everything. Even my son.

I'm such a worthless coward. I put protecting her over leaving with my son. I'm such a stupid piece of shit... I gave up on my son's life and future for her I was so afraid what her and her family would do if I left with my son.


More years more fighting, thousands of dollars in property damage. More social service interventions.


I tried to ask them this time and they said I need to keep my hands in my pockets and let her hit me..

I eventually took my son and left her... I'm just a crazy and stupid piece of garbage because after a few months we were back together..... my best friend had just died and I needed her so badly. She would tell me how bad it was that he died and not me. How much worthless I was..

Nights when she would stick things up my ass and tell me that I liked it and wanted her to do it because I was too scared to stop her anymore. Then get angry and tell the neighbor I'm a faggot and about the things I was told I asked for and liked.

She said she had time to figure out that I was who she really needed.

More years more fights more damage. Now I'm bitter and I'm yelling when these things happen and I'm always angry and feel guilty for being so upset with her... I start to say awful amd mean things to her when we fight and when she hits me and sticks things in my body...

And then she stops doing it

Then we broke up again and I was devastated but at being left alone Everything I was belonged to her. If she said I was worthless then. I was worthless if she wanted me to kill myself. at least needed to try.

I had my son with for 7 months but i had started drinking. I couldn't make the anxiety stop... I was terrified to sleep anymore because i would wake up screaming and crying and terrified

I stopped sleeping altogether and the worse my anxiety got the more I drank....

I had been walking to school with my son for months at this point and all the sudden I could go outside anymore. I thought someone was going to hurt me if it left the house


What if I leave the house and someone sees that I'm worthless and useless like she did? What if they hurt me too? What if she's right. Then if I go out the other people see it too right? Everybody can tell I'm worthless and have no value as person if she thought so all that time.

I know I deserve all of this. It's the only thing that can make sense anymore. I don't understand....

If I slept at all I'd wake up screaming and it would wake him too. If I tried to school with him. I couldn't make it anymore and every day I made it less and less.

We stopped laughing and playing and listening to music and dancing and building toys and playing Pokémon and walking together we stopped learning new things together and having fun. No more being silly and making each other smile... we were so damn close... I changed his first diaper and raised him. I did everything with him. I was his primary care taker. I was his dad I was his person. And no matter what his mom did or said to me
I loved him and he needed me and he loved me and

He lost his dad and got a worthless coward with nothing to offer anybody.... he got a piece of disgusting garbage that couldn't walk with him to school anymore. He got a cowardly pig that couldn't go outside anymore. That cried all day long... he go an empty shell of a human being that jumps when my phone vibrates I'm so timid and broken....

My drinking got worse and my anxiety skyrocketed. I couldn't take care of my son anymore on my own and there was nobody to help me. There wasn't anybody..

I freaked out around my son while I was drunk.

They said I could send him back to mom and keep my rights and custody or thay he would have to be in foster care for a while while i Tried to fix myself again....

I sent him to his mom

One of the last things he said to me before he left. It was around 3 in morning and I had been crying again and I must've woken him up.... he came over to me and hugged me so tight and smiled at me and he said "don't worry and be sad dady, you did a good job"

Then the next morning he was gone. I was too fucked up in my head to even tell him goodbye...

My poor son... my little guy spent all that time afraid I was going to die. He thought he had to TAKE CARE OF ME. He told he teacher at school he was having bad dreams that his Dad was crying and hurting himself. He told her he thought i was going to die while he at school in wasn't there..


All the flashbacks and panic attacks and crying and forgetting where I am. Amd my poor son was there watching it. Thinking it was his job to take care of me and he was only 7 years old...

After he went back to his mom... everything got 100 times worse....

I forget my name all the time and my son's moms name. I forget where I am constantly then freak out becaue of how scary it can be... I've been tormenting myself and I can't take it anymore....


Why do I love her still? Why couldn't I be a good dad? Why I did myself being a pathetic excuse for a person worry my son so much

The hardest thing is when I forget that he's left. There are so many days. I just don't even remember that he's been gone and with him mom for over a year.

There are morning after morning I wake up amd walking around the house looking for his backpack trying to hit things ready for school that just aren't there. I forgot thay my son isn't here anymore. I walk around looking for his back pack thinking what a shitty dad I am for making him late.

Some days I snap out of it pretty quickly and other days it's taken hours or almost the entire day...


I love my son's mom with all my heart. Even though she left 2 years ago. And I probably sound like a total crazy person.

I hope one day she can forgive me for what I'm about to do.... and I hope she can forgive herself and have a normal life... I wish with all my heart she is protected and that she doesn't Blane herself.

I'm sorry if my post is too long or stopped Making sense ...


I really could use some encouraging words or anything... I'm sorry if I wasted your guy's time.



I hope my son knows I love him more than life and and forgives me one day for this


I'm sorry again everybody. I typed too much

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

I'm so sorry OP. This is absolutely heartbreaking! You did not deserve any of that. But I have to say, she abused you so she will be abusing your son, it's what abusers do.

Your son needs you to get help and be there for him. Have you tried therapy and/or meds? There are people out there that can help you come to terms with everything that happened and process it.

Your suicide will destroy your son, and when he's older, he will know his mum abused his dad. He will never come back from that, and what if he follows you?

You deserve all the help and support you can get

Have you tried to get any counselling from domestic violence support charities? They are out there. And a referral to therapy through your GP?

There are places you can turn to for support from all the abuse, including the rape, because that's what she did to you.

This post made me cry. This absolutely broke my heart

OP, you really need to get some help here. You owe that to yourself

You are not a coward in the slightest. This is classic abuse.

We're here for you, and we care about you x

 

[SVEN]

Little I can say, but that I wish you nothing but good.

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

Hi guys. I'm not too sure why I'm writing this.
I thought about messaging my son's mom. We aren't together anymore. But, I think maybe she would care.

I've come to terms with a lot of things lately and I've been planning this for a really long time.

On the 21st of this month. I'm going to head out on foot into the woods as far north of my city as I can walk. I have about 3 months worth of benzodiapines I've stored away and I'm going to get a bottle of whiskey tomorrow.

I hope I don't sound insane. I know there's no way any of this is going to matter to anybody. But it gives me a lot of comfort to be able to write this all out. I've planned it all for such a long time. I'll be turning 29 on the 21st of this month.

I'm gonna head out early in the morning around 4 am.

Once I find a peaceful place. I'm going to sit down and use my little camping stove to cook some food. I'm going to put on and episode of star trek voyager on my phone. and I'm going to eat a meal. After I eat and watch some star trek ( it's such comforting show for me) I'm going to start drinking for a while. Once I finish all of my whiskey and smoke some weed. I'm going to take all of the benzos I've been storing for these months. Then I'm going to lay down and play some of my son's favorite music that we used to listen to together..

It took such a long time for me to reach this point. I've spent a lot of years being angry and anxious and really depressed.

But these last few years. It's like I'm not human being. Sleeping less than 2 hours a night and panicking and crying anytime I'm alone. I love my son and I really do love my son's mom.. I've said so many things I regret to her. So many things I can never take back. I'm furious at her for destroying my family. But I worry about her so damn much.. She left about 2 years ago. I know she didn't want to watch me hurt my mind and hurt my spirit and body so much anymore.. Our relationship was filled with horrible emotional problems and it was just because we couldnt grow as people.

There are so many bad memories
I still remember, when she came out the bathroom after cutting her arm. We hadn't been fighting. We were watching chopped together on food network and she went to the bathroom. She came out covered in blood. Dripping down her fingers. My son was asleep in his crib.

I was so fucking scared. I was 19 years old. I ran to her... I ran to the bathroom and saw the shower drain clogged and blood all over the bathroom. I thought she was gonna die. I kept saying we need to call an ambulance.

Then I remember being hit in the face with her bloody hands over and over again. I remember being told my son wasnt really mine and that I Should be the one killing myself. I was a worthless piece of shit and I needed to die

We had already been together for close to year and I really did love her. We argued a lot but I was really codependent on her and all that mattered to me was what she thought about me.

We stayed together and things never got better... now I was angry and bitter and completely terrified every second of every single day.... Her family saw her kick my ass and they me just let her do it more than once. They knew. They called social services on me. They said that I hit my son's mom. I have never hit her in almost 10 years of knowing her.

We were investigated and cleared and the fights never got any better.... I refused to hit her but i was so angry and bitter all the time by this point. My son was around while all of this things were happening and I couldn't understand how she could do any of these things. I never got a chance to forgive her. Every time I did. She's break more things or throw more things at me or kick my ass more... her and her family would threaten to kick my ass. Years of social service threats and calls, being tackled into walls. Knives pulled on me.

Years of going into the bathroom and locking the door to sleep at night. Years of waking up in terror and going to hide somewhere to cry. Every single day for years.

She talked to other men and did anything she wanted. She tried to ask men if my son could sleep in there car. She would take him out at 3 and 4 in the morning and he just an infant. She would angry and grab my son in only his diaper and walk off saying If I don't want to be with her that he's leaving too.

Having carseats thrown at us, cell phones, food, having all my clothes torn to shreds. , knives thrown at me..... I loved her so much. I just couldn't fucking understand. And I was started to get so bitter. I loved her so much and I was so angry at her all the time for how she treated and I felt so guilty and feel so guilty still about how much anger I have in my her for this woman i loved so fucking much.....

I tried to defend myself from her physically 1 time in all those years..... she was hitting me in the face over and over and over again with a literal bag of potatoes telling me i was fat piece of shit again telling me to kill myself again telling me horrible things. NEVER have laid a hand on my son's mom but this time for the first and absolute ONLY time I tried to push her away.... she screamed at the top her lungs and told the neighbor and police I was trying to beat her up and throw her though the wall...... I ended up being arrested. Social services came into the picture and my son was taken away from us for a few months amd then social services stuck around over a year.

I watched the woman I loved and adored and was absolutely terrified of. Lie about me to social services for over a year

And I helped her do it. I didn't. Want her to get in any trouble. I didn't want her to lose our son.... I loved her so much... I thought I deserved all of the panic attacks and being hit and blackmail. I thought I deserved it. And I spent years. Putting her and her actions before everything. Even my son.

I'm such a worthless coward. I put protecting her over leaving with my son. I'm such a stupid piece of shit... I gave up on my son's life and future for her I was so afraid what her and her family would do if I left with my son.


More years more fighting, thousands of dollars in property damage. More social service interventions.


I tried to ask them this time and they said I need to keep my hands in my pockets and let her hit me..

I eventually took my son and left her... I'm just a crazy and stupid piece of garbage because after a few months we were back together..... my best friend had just died and I needed her so badly. She would tell me how bad it was that he died and not me. How much worthless I was..

Nights when she would stick things up my ass and tell me that I liked it and wanted her to do it because I was too scared to stop her anymore. Then get angry and tell the neighbor I'm a faggot and about the things I was told I asked for and liked.

She said she had time to figure out that I was who she really needed.

More years more fights more damage. Now I'm bitter and I'm yelling when these things happen and I'm always angry and feel guilty for being so upset with her... I start to say awful amd mean things to her when we fight and when she hits me and sticks things in my body...

And then she stops doing it

Then we broke up again and I was devastated but at being left alone Everything I was belonged to her. If she said I was worthless then. I was worthless if she wanted me to kill myself. at least needed to try.

I had my son with for 7 months but i had started drinking. I couldn't make the anxiety stop... I was terrified to sleep anymore because i would wake up screaming and crying and terrified

I stopped sleeping altogether and the worse my anxiety got the more I drank....

I had been walking to school with my son for months at this point and all the sudden I could go outside anymore. I thought someone was going to hurt me if it left the house


What if I leave the house and someone sees that I'm worthless and useless like she did? What if they hurt me too? What if she's right. Then if I go out the other people see it too right? Everybody can tell I'm worthless and have no value as person if she thought so all that time.

I know I deserve all of this. It's the only thing that can make sense anymore. I don't understand....

If I slept at all I'd wake up screaming and it would wake him too. If I tried to school with him. I couldn't make it anymore and every day I made it less and less.

We stopped laughing and playing and listening to music and dancing and building toys and playing Pokémon and walking together we stopped learning new things together and having fun. No more being silly and making each other smile... we were so damn close... I changed his first diaper and raised him. I did everything with him. I was his primary care taker. I was his dad I was his person. And no matter what his mom did or said to me
I loved him and he needed me and he loved me and

He lost his dad and got a worthless coward with nothing to offer anybody.... he got a piece of disgusting garbage that couldn't walk with him to school anymore. He got a cowardly pig that couldn't go outside anymore. That cried all day long... he go an empty shell of a human being that jumps when my phone vibrates I'm so timid and broken....

My drinking got worse and my anxiety skyrocketed. I couldn't take care of my son anymore on my own and there was nobody to help me. There wasn't anybody..

I freaked out around my son while I was drunk.

They said I could send him back to mom and keep my rights and custody or thay he would have to be in foster care for a while while i Tried to fix myself again....

I sent him to his mom

One of the last things he said to me before he left. It was around 3 in morning and I had been crying again and I must've woken him up.... he came over to me and hugged me so tight and smiled at me and he said "don't worry and be sad dady, you did a good job"

Then the next morning he was gone. I was too fucked up in my head to even tell him goodbye...

My poor son... my little guy spent all that time afraid I was going to die. He thought he had to TAKE CARE OF ME. He told he teacher at school he was having bad dreams that his Dad was crying and hurting himself. He told her he thought i was going to die while he at school in wasn't there..


All the flashbacks and panic attacks and crying and forgetting where I am. Amd my poor son was there watching it. Thinking it was his job to take care of me and he was only 7 years old...

After he went back to his mom... everything got 100 times worse....

I forget my name all the time and my son's moms name. I forget where I am constantly then freak out becaue of how scary it can be... I've been tormenting myself and I can't take it anymore....


Why do I love her still? Why couldn't I be a good dad? Why I did myself being a pathetic excuse for a person worry my son so much

The hardest thing is when I forget that he's left. There are so many days. I just don't even remember that he's been gone and with him mom for over a year.

There are morning after morning I wake up amd walking around the house looking for his backpack trying to hit things ready for school that just aren't there. I forgot thay my son isn't here anymore. I walk around looking for his back pack thinking what a shitty dad I am for making him late.

Some days I snap out of it pretty quickly and other days it's taken hours or almost the entire day...


I love my son's mom with all my heart. Even though she left 2 years ago. And I probably sound like a total crazy person.

I hope one day she can forgive me for what I'm about to do.... and I hope she can forgive herself and have a normal life... I wish with all my heart she is protected and that she doesn't Blane herself.

I'm sorry if my post is too long or stopped Making sense ...


I really could use some encouraging words or anything... I'm sorry if I wasted your guy's time.



I hope my son knows I love him more than life and and forgives me one day for this


I'm sorry again everybody. I typed too much

So harrowing to read. Sounds like your son needs a long term stable foster placement and only when/if you're more stable is it a good idea to try and see him. Is there anyway you can help social services secure this for him? Sounds like he would be better off away from her.

The relationship sounds utterly abusive but I understand what it's like to love someone who isn't good for you.

If you stay in this world, try to be kind to yourself. For your son to say that to you, he's obviously seen some good in you and that will stay in his heart.

Whatever you choose, peace be with you.

 

[Regen]

It hurts a lot to read your text.

I was also in an abusive relationship for a very long time. It's hell. And it makes you completely crazy in your head.

My heart bleeds when I think of your son. It will destroy him. He will think that he cannot protect you. He will think suicide is a solution. Sons of fathers who commit suicide have a significantly increased risk of dying themselves. There is no one left with whom he can later talk about what happened in his childhood and why. A foster family would be great for him and you could see him every now and then without any stress. There is no one to save this poor little soul from his mother. I can somehow understand if you can't do it. But if you leave now, then the last hope for him will go and the person with whom he could have worked through his childhood later will go. Because you can feel in every word you say how much you love him. A flawed father is always better than a dead father (except cruel fathers of course, but that's not you and this is about you).

I wish your son and I wish your little inner child soul hope, courage, peace and love. It hurts a lot to read how much you both are suffering.

 

[Unspoken7612]

This is such a sad story. You've been through a very difficult experience, or string of experiences. I'm glad you shared it, and please don't feel like you have wasted our time.

The mental and physical abuse, the false accusations, the arrest, the concern for your son, the substance issues, the insomnia and mental health issues - that's a lot for anyone to handle and it's completely understandable that you're struggling.

You need and deserve proper support, more than we can offer you (although we can do our best). It's clear that you're not coping, which is understandable. You need dedicated support with your mental health and your addiction. Please speak to a doctor or social worker about how you are feeling.

While you have the right to commit suicide, and the trauma you are carrying would surely cause most people to feel suicidal, there are other options for you. You can't necessarily see them right now because of your depression, but you can get better and deserve to get better. Your son also deserves to have a dad who is alive, and I think you can be alive, stable, and healthy with the right support.

I will say that the OD on benzos is unlikely to kill you. It might make things worse. So instead, please try to take the brave step of reaching out to someone who can give you the support you need, like a doctor.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I hope you find peace.

 

[newstart2000]

Does your son's mother have custody?
It's heartbreaking after reading your experience. I have a kid only six. I don't know he will hate me or not due to my coming CTB, but at least his father can take care of him well.

 

[Redacted24]

You're not deserving of her abuse. You've been victimized and traumatized. That requires care and treatment. Please consider that option.

You tried to do the best. You cared and loved but those were taken advantage of by another to exert power and control over you.

The first thing is to call things by their right names. You're a victim of domestic violence.

Your precious child deserves a dad that can be there for their life's moments, good and bad. That they can know is there for them.

Yes you're flawed. You're human. But you're trying. And that's a good role model.

As one victim of DV to another, please consider getting help.

 

[MrsevenTseven]

This is such a sad story. You've been through a very difficult experience, or string of experiences. I'm glad you shared it, and please don't feel like you have wasted our time.

The mental and physical abuse, the false accusations, the arrest, the concern for your son, the substance issues, the insomnia and mental health issues - that's a lot for anyone to handle and it's completely understandable that you're struggling.

You need and deserve proper support, more than we can offer you (although we can do our best). It's clear that you're not coping, which is understandable. You need dedicated support with your mental health and your addiction. Please speak to a doctor or social worker about how you are feeling.

While you have the right to commit suicide, and the trauma you are carrying would surely cause most people to feel suicidal, there are other options for you. You can't necessarily see them right now because of your depression, but you can get better and deserve to get better. Your son also deserves to have a dad who is alive, and I think you can be alive, stable, and healthy with the right support.

I will say that the OD on benzos is unlikely to kill you. It might make things worse. So instead, please try to take the brave step of reaching out to someone who can give you the support you need, like a doctor.

I'm so sorry OP. This is absolutely heartbreaking! You did not deserve any of that. But I have to say, she abused you so she will be abusing your son, it's what abusers do.

Your son needs you to get help and be there for him. Have you tried therapy and/or meds? There are people out there that can help you come to terms with everything that happened and process it.

Your suicide will destroy your son, and when he's older, he will know his mum abused his dad. He will never come back from that, and what if he follows you?

You deserve all the help and support you can get

Have you tried to get any counselling from domestic violence support charities? They are out there. And a referral to therapy through your GP?

There are places you can turn to for support from all the abuse, including the rape, because that's what she did to you.

This post made me cry. This absolutely broke my heart

OP, you really need to get some help here. You owe that to yourself

You are not a coward in the slightest. This is classic abuse.

We're here for you, and we care about you x

Thank you for being so kind. I want to be completely honest and open. I have tried to see therapist after therapist for years. I've tried sticking with them and sticking with the medications. Not just for a little while but I mean really stick with them an stay on the different medications they've given me for months at a time. So I can get past a lot of side effects and really give them a chance to work. I've been on effexor, zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, prazozin for nightmares, gababentin, olanzapine, hydroxizine, restoril, trazadone. The list just keeps going. I've been trying since 2017 to get medication and help with therapy and exposure therapy for ptsd I can't remember the exact name of it.. I've put myself on 72 hour holds and stayed voluntarily for weeks trying to get help....

I got to be so bitter. I have said so many shitty things to her I can't forgive myself for. I became verbally and emotionally abusive myself after so long. And I feel so guilty for it all the time... things got to a point where my response to the things she did

Just became yelling or saying things that I'll regret for the rest of my life.... telling her she's a horrible person and mom. Telling her I wish we hadn't of had a son together. I've called her a piece of shit so many times

And there was no excuse for me to be so mean. I was so angry at her for how she treated me and the social service calls and the state of my son's life. But I was still wrong to yell at her at say the things I have.
And I feel horrible for it.

my biggest concern is that when my son is older and questions things and isn't such a Sweet little guy and is thinking more for himself. That he will resent her. I don't know what that will mean for him ...I don't know how she will be. that is my biggest fear....

She doesn't directly do anything to my son ... but she makes horrible choices while he's around and defends those choices violently whether or not it affects him doesn't really cross her mind. And I know in my heart when he's older he's going to question. Why she keeps doing those things? and if he says anything or goes against her...

I've asked therapists for help and the police and even social services when they were around.

Someone has to understand I am a 6 foot 2 man that weighs over 200 pounds.

They don't believe or offer much help when you tell them a 5 and half foot woman is doing these things...It's humiliating trying to talk to anybody these people of anymore.

They are so non chalant or they outright dismiss you. I can't explain to the feeling of helplessness... Feeling like I mean nothing anybody even the people I kept asking for help.. not be worth enough to be heard by the people I thought I could ask for help.... I've spent years asking for help.

I've asked everyone I could possibly think of.

They don't believe a man could be treated this way by a woman. They don't know how helpless you feel.

She's smarter than I am and will tell them anything to get her way....

can you understand how terrifying it is to not be able to ask social services for help or even the police...

I've been on my own trying to contend with her for nearly a decade and I just can't do it.

I just don't have the heart or the energy left anymore.....

Please dont think I'm making excuses...
Please try to understand.

I've desperately tried to get help for a long time. Just the looks people give you when you when you try to tell them how horrible things really were all those years. The looks are enough to break a person....

Men aren't abused by women is what they want to say. and after almost 10 years I give up I have no faith in the people I thought were there to help me.

I have no faith in any of the people or these services anymore.


I've begged so many therapists and police officers and social workers for help...

The look at you like you're so much less for even mentioning these things.

It's been close to 10 years of knowing her and more than 7 years of trying EVERYTHING mentioned in all you're guy's comments...


Thank you so much for being so kind and being so understanding.

I promise I really fucking tried to get help and a lot of it.... it's just not there


You guys are all so kind and beautiful and your responses are so amazing. I'm not gonna respond to any more of them after this...

And I know benzos and alcohol alone probably won't kill me.

I just need to drink to have the courage to go through with everything and the benzos are to keep my from totally freaking out....

The alcohol and benzos will hopefully help things along or at least loosen my mind up long enough to finish everything myself.

But they aren't my method. I've planned this for too long to leave any room for mistakes again. I just don't have any fight left any energy left. I have so many parts of my mind missing and so many things I tried to block out and there's nothing of me left... I don't have anything good to offer anybody...

I'm not a person anymore and I'm terrified I won't ever be again.

Thank you all for being so kind and amazing. Hopefully other people can just read my response . I'm not going to spend any more time responding...


You're kindness, every single one of has had me in tears all morning...

Nobody has ever been this kind to me in my entire life. Nobody has ever been this fucking kind to me and you're all total strangers and I don't deserve it!!!

Thanks you all so much

I'm sorry for all of my typos. I know there are a lot.

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

I hope you find peace :(
I hope we all find peace :(

 

[Redacted24]

This cuts to the bone. I'm male too. My female partner (now my warden... because I've been placed in solitary confinement in my own house despite four others living there) isn't physically abusing me, it's all emotional abuse that has kept ratcheting up for six years.
My kids - our kids - barely even look at me, much less talk to me. She's messing them up badly and filling their brains with I have no idea what.
I'm working to divorce now, but while we're under the same roof I'm trying to model decent kind caring behavior.
Maybe once they're older and mature they'll have a better understanding of how people are to each other. There will be lasting damage, I'm sure. But I want to give them the chance to interact with me once they're free from her toxic influence.
And if they don't? Well, then I can gradually fade out until I've vanished entirely, with no remains to be found.
We do the best with what we have.
I'm so sorry you've been through so much. You're right it's unfair.

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

Thank you for being so kind. I want to be completely honest and open. I have tried to see therapist after therapist for years. I've tried sticking with them and sticking with the medications. Not just for a little while but I mean really stick with them an stay on the different medications they've given me for months at a time. So I can get past a lot of side effects and really give them a chance to work. I've been on effexor, zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, prazozin for nightmares, gababentin, olanzapine, hydroxizine, restoril, trazadone. The list just keeps going. I've been trying since 2017 to get medication and help with therapy and exposure therapy for ptsd I can't remember the exact name of it.. I've put myself on 72 hour holds and stayed voluntarily for weeks trying to get help....

I got to be so bitter. I have said so many shitty things to her I can't forgive myself for. I became verbally and emotionally abusive myself after so long. And I feel so guilty for it all the time... things got to a point where my response to the things she did

Just became yelling or saying things that I'll regret for the rest of my life.... telling her she's a horrible person and mom. Telling her I wish we hadn't of had a son together. I've called her a piece of shit so many times

And there was no excuse for me to be so mean. I was so angry at her for how she treated me and the social service calls and the state of my son's life. But I was still wrong to yell at her at say the things I have.
And I feel horrible for it.

my biggest concern is that when my son is older and questions things and isn't such a Sweet little guy and is thinking more for himself. That he will resent her. I don't know what that will mean for him ...I don't know how she will be. that is my biggest fear....

She doesn't directly do anything to my son ... but she makes horrible choices while he's around and defends those choices violently whether or not it affects him doesn't really cross her mind. And I know in my heart when he's older he's going to question. Why she keeps doing those things? and if he says anything or goes against her...

I've asked therapists for help and the police and even social services when they were around.

Someone has to understand I am a 6 foot 2 man that weighs over 200 pounds.

They don't believe or offer much help when you tell them a 5 and half foot woman is doing these things...It's humiliating trying to talk to anybody these people of anymore.

They are so non chalant or they outright dismiss you. I can't explain to the feeling of helplessness... Feeling like I mean nothing anybody even the people I kept asking for help.. not be worth enough to be heard by the people I thought I could ask for help.... I've spent years asking for help.

I've asked everyone I could possibly think of.

They don't believe a man could be treated this way by a woman. They don't know how helpless you feel.

She's smarter than I am and will tell them anything to get her way....

can you understand how terrifying it is to not be able to ask social services for help or even the police...

I've been on my own trying to contend with her for nearly a decade and I just can't do it.

I just don't have the heart or the energy left anymore.....

Please dont think I'm making excuses...
Please try to understand.

I've desperately tried to get help for a long time. Just the looks people give you when you when you try to tell them how horrible things really were all those years. The looks are enough to break a person....

Men aren't abused by women is what they want to say. and after almost 10 years I give up I have no faith in the people I thought were there to help me.

I have no faith in any of the people or these services anymore.


I've begged so many therapists and police officers and social workers for help...

The look at you like you're so much less for even mentioning these things.

It's been close to 10 years of knowing her and more than 7 years of trying EVERYTHING mentioned in all you're guy's comments...


Thank you so much for being so kind and being so understanding.

I promise I really fucking tried to get help and a lot of it.... it's just not there


You guys are all so kind and beautiful and your responses are so amazing. I'm not gonna respond to any more of them after this...

And I know benzos and alcohol alone probably won't kill me.

I just need to drink to have the courage to go through with everything and the benzos are to keep my from totally freaking out....

The alcohol and benzos will hopefully help things along or at least loosen my mind up long enough to finish everything myself.

But they aren't my method. I've planned this for too long to leave any room for mistakes again. I just don't have any fight left any energy left. I have so many parts of my mind missing and so many things I tried to block out and there's nothing of me left... I don't have anything good to offer anybody...

I'm not a person anymore and I'm terrified I won't ever be again.

Thank you all for being so kind and amazing. Hopefully other people can just read my response . I'm not going to spend any more time responding...


You're kindness, every single one of has had me in tears all morning...

Nobody has ever been this kind to me in my entire life. Nobody has ever been this fucking kind to me and you're all total strangers and I don't deserve it!!!

Thanks you all so much

I'm sorry for all of my typos. I know there are a lot.

That's not true, when you're being abused, eventually, you will react back, why? Because you are human. When someone is constantly beating you down, day after day, you start to become an empty shell of yourself. It is perfectly normal to REACT back, because you were tired of the abuse. It doesn't make you a bad person at all, NOR abuisve! She was the abuser, NOT you. She has made you feel this way from years of abuse. Don't ever blame yourself for the way she treated you.

She is a piece of shit, a terrible person and mother, correct, 100%. You know, abusers tend to push people to get them to react in a certain way, and it sounds like she got exactly she wanted. Sometimes abusers even want you to kill yourself, so again, she's got what she wanted. It is absolutely heartbreaking.

Sticking up for your abuser is common, too. Everything you've said is completely normal (I don't mean the abuse she inflicted on you, obviously).

It's really sad that you haven't had the help you need and deserve. I understand you're tired

I can only imagine. I know enough about domestic violence as I've been abused by males myself (I'm female) and in the groups I've been in, we've also spoken about it with males being the victims. I am not a man, but given the toxic male culture, and how men are towards each other, I can imagine how awful it must be for you to not be believed.

My support worker told me of a case recently where similar to you, and the female lied and said he was abusing her, when actually, they realised it was the other way round. Not many know about domestic violence, it is well hidden, especially when it is the other way. It isn't talked about anywhere near as much as it should be.

She isn't smart, she's manipulative, there's a huge difference. Unfortunately you're on the receiving end of it, and I wish there was a way around it. Sadly, you are not the only one. Domestic violence is so common. Manipulative people are the worst, because they get away with it, because no one can see through the manipulation. There needs to be proper training, but I don't know why there isn't. She's had years of practise and you wouldn't have been the first, nor will you be the LAST

She will be abusing your son. Abusers cannot help but abuse everyone around them. I've seen it first hand. It is very well hidden though. Don't be fooled into thinking she isn't, she is an abusive person, it is part of her personality, and she CAN help it, but decides not to. She enjoys abusing people, it makes her feel powerful and in control.

Yes, I know how terrifying it is. I would never ask the police for help, because I wasn't believed myself and I am a woman, so I know how that feels. Male officers do not believe females, they down play it, mock etc. So yes, I definitely do know this, and that is why I would never report shit to them, because they are incapable of protecting those that need protecting.

I'm so sorry for everything you've been through, I hope your suffering eases somewhat soon

Whatever you decide, we are always here for you. I hope you decide against suicide, but I understand your reasons behind it and no judgement here, all the best however peace looks for you x

 

[Regen]

This is very dear to my heart. Because that is exactly the mechanism of strong domestic violence, that there is a perpetrator-victim reversal, that no one believes the victim, that the perpetrator twists it as if the victim is to blame or as if the victim is the perpetrator. Narcissists can manipulate in ways that normal people cannot imagine. And yes, there are male victims of domestic violence and it is incredibly difficult for them. I think - as in all areas of life - it is invaluable that you get to know people who have experienced the same thing. Men who have also experienced violence from women. These men exist. It's a tragedy that sometimes you can't find what you need and what's there, but you can't find it.

And of course at some point you yourself become angry and unfair. That's normal. And even if you weren't an angel before, it still doesn't justify violence and manipulation. The manipulation is sometimes even worse than anything else.

Yes, it is extremely likely that the son will also become a victim of this narcissist. Especially because he is also male.

I understand that you are tired, disappointed, exhausted and hopeless. You really fought for a long time. It makes me very sad. I light a candle for light and love, for justice and peace.

 

[F@#$]

Dude that chick is absolutely no fuckin good .

 

[needthebus]

Have you tried AA?

Did you get a paternity test after she said he wasn't yours?

There are recoverygroups and they are free for people like you. You dont have to drink and take pills, just detox and do the whole 90 meetings in 90 days. He could be yours and she's just being dramatic, she sounds so unstable. http://www.aa.org

i feel like you would do well in it

If this is your biological child and she's really that awful, he'll likely need you later.

sorry this is all happening however you decide.

 

[Unspoken7612]

Thank you for being so kind. I want to be completely honest and open. I have tried to see therapist after therapist for years. I've tried sticking with them and sticking with the medications. Not just for a little while but I mean really stick with them an stay on the different medications they've given me for months at a time. So I can get past a lot of side effects and really give them a chance to work. I've been on effexor, zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, prazozin for nightmares, gababentin, olanzapine, hydroxizine, restoril, trazadone. The list just keeps going. I've been trying since 2017 to get medication and help with therapy and exposure therapy for ptsd I can't remember the exact name of it.. I've put myself on 72 hour holds and stayed voluntarily for weeks trying to get help....

I got to be so bitter. I have said so many shitty things to her I can't forgive myself for. I became verbally and emotionally abusive myself after so long. And I feel so guilty for it all the time... things got to a point where my response to the things she did

Just became yelling or saying things that I'll regret for the rest of my life.... telling her she's a horrible person and mom. Telling her I wish we hadn't of had a son together. I've called her a piece of shit so many times

And there was no excuse for me to be so mean. I was so angry at her for how she treated me and the social service calls and the state of my son's life. But I was still wrong to yell at her at say the things I have.
And I feel horrible for it.

my biggest concern is that when my son is older and questions things and isn't such a Sweet little guy and is thinking more for himself. That he will resent her. I don't know what that will mean for him ...I don't know how she will be. that is my biggest fear....

She doesn't directly do anything to my son ... but she makes horrible choices while he's around and defends those choices violently whether or not it affects him doesn't really cross her mind. And I know in my heart when he's older he's going to question. Why she keeps doing those things? and if he says anything or goes against her...

I've asked therapists for help and the police and even social services when they were around.

Someone has to understand I am a 6 foot 2 man that weighs over 200 pounds.

They don't believe or offer much help when you tell them a 5 and half foot woman is doing these things...It's humiliating trying to talk to anybody these people of anymore.

They are so non chalant or they outright dismiss you. I can't explain to the feeling of helplessness... Feeling like I mean nothing anybody even the people I kept asking for help.. not be worth enough to be heard by the people I thought I could ask for help.... I've spent years asking for help.

I've asked everyone I could possibly think of.

They don't believe a man could be treated this way by a woman. They don't know how helpless you feel.

She's smarter than I am and will tell them anything to get her way....

can you understand how terrifying it is to not be able to ask social services for help or even the police...

I've been on my own trying to contend with her for nearly a decade and I just can't do it.

I just don't have the heart or the energy left anymore.....

Please dont think I'm making excuses...
Please try to understand.

I've desperately tried to get help for a long time. Just the looks people give you when you when you try to tell them how horrible things really were all those years. The looks are enough to break a person....

Men aren't abused by women is what they want to say. and after almost 10 years I give up I have no faith in the people I thought were there to help me.

I have no faith in any of the people or these services anymore.


I've begged so many therapists and police officers and social workers for help...

The look at you like you're so much less for even mentioning these things.

It's been close to 10 years of knowing her and more than 7 years of trying EVERYTHING mentioned in all you're guy's comments...


Thank you so much for being so kind and being so understanding.

I promise I really fucking tried to get help and a lot of it.... it's just not there


You guys are all so kind and beautiful and your responses are so amazing. I'm not gonna respond to any more of them after this...

And I know benzos and alcohol alone probably won't kill me.

I just need to drink to have the courage to go through with everything and the benzos are to keep my from totally freaking out....

The alcohol and benzos will hopefully help things along or at least loosen my mind up long enough to finish everything myself.

But they aren't my method. I've planned this for too long to leave any room for mistakes again. I just don't have any fight left any energy left. I have so many parts of my mind missing and so many things I tried to block out and there's nothing of me left... I don't have anything good to offer anybody...

I'm not a person anymore and I'm terrified I won't ever be again.

Thank you all for being so kind and amazing. Hopefully other people can just read my response . I'm not going to spend any more time responding...


You're kindness, every single one of has had me in tears all morning...

Nobody has ever been this kind to me in my entire life. Nobody has ever been this fucking kind to me and you're all total strangers and I don't deserve it!!!

Thanks you all so much

I'm sorry for all of my typos. I know there are a lot.

Hey, so firstly I think literally everyone deserves kindness, especially when they've been through something tough.

Nobody is perfect. I hear what you say about not being able to forgive yourself.

It's obvious that you have made a genuine effort to get better, so I'm sorry if my advice to ask for help was useless. In that case, my only piece of advice would be for you to try and make today the best it can be. Do a small thing to make it better, something you enjoy but haven't done for a while. When was the last time you baked cupcakes, or went to the cinema, or swam in a pool? Have you seen every episode of Trek, or are there some new ones you could treat yourself to? It doesn't matter what, these are just suggestions, but try to eke out even a tiny bit of enjoyment.

Is your son safe with her? Has she ever abused him? What do you think he thinks about it all? Does he maybe have his own phone you could try calling for a fatherly chat?

Do you have any friends other than people you know through her? Would meeting up with some of them one last time be something you'd like to do?

You obviously don't have to answer those questions on here.