I just don’t know what to do with my thoughts

[meetapple]

I am trying to recover. I spend all my time ruminating and feeling bad about my interactions with people. It mainly involves how I should deal with my thoughts. Every time I go anywhere I carry an aura of shame formed by all my past lousy experiences with people. I have rude thoughts about other people like "shut up" or "bitch" or whatever. I keep trying to figure out what I am doing wrong. It is just painful to have the feeling that other people think I am a bad person without being able to do anything about it.

I can't recover when I am distracted by my problems. I have been told that people can't read my thoughts and that I shouldn't feel bad unless I am doing something to actually deprive someone of their rights. Is there anything I can do? I am starting to believe that it is impossible.

 

[dreadpirateroberts69]

Depression is a bitch and can make us think the shittiest things, even about the people we love. I know that's true in my case and I feel guilty for it every day. But in the end it's the way you treat others that makes you who you are, having bad thoughts sometimes doesn't necessarily make you a bad person. Having those thoughts and feelings still hurts though. A lot. I wish there was more that could be done about it too.

 

[trianglesplayhouse]

Seems kind of like OCD? Constant irrational thought about being a bad person despite doing nothing wrong. Not a psychologist though so do some research, it could help with recovery.

 

[Pluto]

Social anxiety causes us to falsely perceive that others dislike us, though it sometimes becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Medication and/or therapy may be beneficial as a part of recovery.

Highly negative 'intrusive thoughts' - including much worse ones than those you mention - are considered normal, except where they cause distress.

I can also recommend the work of Eckhart Tolle, as I likely would have been gone long ago without him. (link)