Venting I just… don’t know

[Kore]

I've been trying. And failing. I don't see any point in trying to get better, but I've been trying anyway. It doesn't seem to matter how much work you put into it, all it takes is a little reality check to fall right back to where you were.

I accidentally came across an old social media profile of mine, one I haven't used since school days, and while every single post cringed my body to breaking point (lmao) it also reminded me of how care free we were as kids, of how much we didn't know was coming our way. I'd do anything to be a kid again and not have to deal with the real world. But, obviously, we can't go back. We can't even stay still. Time keeps moving forward, bit by bit, slowly but surely.

I keep glancing at the date and noticing it's going up and up, but I'm hardly noticing time passing these days. I'll glance at the calendar and realize a few weeks have passed. I feel like I'm just slowly chipping away at my block of life, patiently waiting until I don't wake up again.

I made the decision to hang around because I can't deal with the guilt and shame of breaking my families hearts, even those of them that have broken mine time and time again. But… how do you stay motivated in this shitty world? It's a constant struggle, a constant fight with myself.

I hate the days when my brain decides it's time for all out assault. I'll see a pretty girl and instantly be met with all the reasons she'll never look twice at me. I'll see something fun and my brain reminds me there's no point in trying because I'll be sad again right after anyway. I'll be trying to do better at work when I remind myself it's all utterly pointless. "You're pathetic. You're worthless. Why are you even trying? They'll laugh at you. You're ugly. You're not good enough, never will be." It's relentless sometimes.

Sometimes I wonder if I even want to 'get better'. I don't even know what that means tbh. I barely remember what it was like before all this, now adays when I feel happy it feels… wrong. I feel guilty when I smile. And yet, I wear my fake smile as much as I can. Can't let others see how weak I really am. Depression is fuckin lonely man.

Days turned into weeks turned into months turned into years. Turns into decades. Time may be my greatest fear. We're all just slowly heading towards oblivion, and some days I scream inside for it to slow down - other days I wish it would just hurry up already.

I still dream often of the good times, and wake up crying. I hate waking up. The dreams are 'nightmares', but not ones that scare you. They're of old friends and past relationships, of smiling and laughter. They're the ones that remind you of all you've lost, of the person you used to be, of a past you can never be part of again. I wish I could just dream of blackness each night, would rather no dream than a "happy" one. Haven't been getting much sleep lately.

I just… don't know.

This is just a vent. Doubt many will read this far, if you did, maybe let me know how you cope. Or confirm my suspicion that it's all pointless anyway.

Time to put my mask back on and conform to society's expectations for another day. Cya round.

~Kore

 

[sovcat]

I can relate to time slipping away. I try to feel a sense of urgency, as stressful as it may be, instead of letting it slip further. Idk, maybe it's worse to feel that stress.

I wish I could tell you how to cope, but the issue with coping is that once a challenging life situation arises, it feels like you lose all progress. One step forward, but life pushes you back ten. I know that's a bit self-defeating, but hopefully someone else can shed some more hopeful insight.

 

[Kore]

I can relate to time slipping away. I try to feel a sense of urgency, as stressful as it may be, instead of letting it slip further. Idk, maybe it's worse to feel that stress.

I wish I could tell you how to cope, but the issue with coping is that once a challenging life situation arises, it feels like you lose all progress. One step forward, but life pushes you back ten. I know that's a bit self-defeating, but hopefully someone else can shed some more hopeful insight.

I've tried that. For a good few years, I had it in my head that sleep is a waste of time.

While obviously essential for your health, you literally spend half of your allotted time on this earth with your eyes closed dreaming about nonsense. Or in my case, the dreams had sense, and they weren't things I wanted to think about either.

So… I decided to sleep a lot less. Several days of the week I would pull all nighters, gaming or reading or just trying to gain as much 'waking' time as I could. I'd feel anxious on days I was really tired and needed to sleep that night, I just wanted to squeeze a few more hours out of the weeks. I tried to keep it regulated, as in I promised myself never to go two nights back to back without sleep, though it did happen a couple times. I told myself that Sunday was a good day for sleep so I could be ready for more full nights the following week, so I'd try sleep at least 8 hours on a Sunday.

I'm not stupid, and in this day and age we have google at our fingertips, so I somewhat knew the consequences, but didn't want to think about them. After months and months of this, I started to notice I was short of breath often, forgetful, even lower on energy than usual - basically all the usual sleep deprivation symtoms. I found out that some doctors liken sleep deprivation to smoking - causing irreparable damage to your brain and cardiovascular system.

I realised that for each hour I gained awake at night, I was knocking off a full day of my life at the end. And with the amount of hours I stayed awake for…….. yeah. Likely burned off a few years of my life. I also found out I have significantly increased my chances of developing Alzheimer's, heart conditions, and various other shit. So I have put a stop to it now.

I find myself watching the clock in work, waiting for the day to end so I can have my free time… then work ends, I get home, and realize I have no energy or motivation to do anything. Cause what's the point. So I find myself waiting for night to come so I can just get on with the next day already.

Feels like I've been on autopilot. Ever seen Adam Sandlers movie 'Click'? Feels like that sometimes, like from time to time I'll 'come to' and realize months or years have passed. It's been 6 months since Christmas already? *5 minutes later* oh Christmas is 2 weeks away now?

Times a bitch.

I do have a good memory to share on this actually. I've felt this way about time for years, since I was a teenager. I was once speaking to a friend about something similar, though nowhere near as depressing, and mentioning how funny it is that a memory can feel like only 5 minutes ago but a long time has passed. To make the point, I told him to cement this memory in his brain. Remember this moment, right here, the two of us. We were at his house at the time and looked around, taking in our surroundings. This was (very roughly) 15 years ago now, and though we rarely speak these days, we do bring up that memory sometimes. "Only 5 minutes ago, eh?"

 

[sovcat]

I wish I can recall memories with vividness like that. Thank you for sharing the story.

I won't change your mind about sleep, but if I can be selfish I'll share this. I used to share similar feelings about sleep. Until recently I had some health scares though involving bleeding that wouldn't stop. I realized my lack of sleep hygiene created a situation in which I wasn't healing very quickly at all. I notice my scabs and scratches were taking forever to heal up. These events really shook me to sleep a little more efficiently (more hours, and at night). Instead of wasting time, I see it more has "healing time" not only physically, but mentally. Again, I know it's not gonna change your mind, I don't mean to be patronizing or anything, I'm just hoping you won't have any health scares like I did.

 

[Kore]

I wish I can recall memories with vividness like that. Thank you for sharing the story.

I won't change your mind about sleep, but if I can be selfish I'll share this. I used to share similar feelings about sleep. Until recently I had some health scares though involving bleeding that wouldn't stop. I realized my lack of sleep hygiene created a situation in which I wasn't healing very quickly at all. I notice my scabs and scratches were taking forever to heal up. These events really shook me to sleep a little more efficiently (more hours, and at night). Instead of wasting time, I see it more has "healing time" not only physically, but mentally. Again, I know it's not gonna change your mind, I don't mean to be patronizing or anything, I'm just hoping you won't have any health scares like I did.

Hey don't apologize to me, you have every right to share how you feel, same as me, and I appreciate you trying to connect to me. Not selfish at all! It's nice to hear other perspectives and experiences.

It's nice that you have changed your mindset, I like that - 'healing time'. I just wish my dreams would stop. Maybe because I'm so sad during the day my brain is trying to help, but reliving happy times that I can never get back just seems… counterproductive.

Another thing I tried once was lucid dreaming. Idk if you've heard of it, I've had natural lucid dreams from time to time, and after watching the movie 'inception' I looked into it and discovered it's a whole thing - you can literally train your brain to realize you're in a dream, become 'concious' while asleep, and basically do an inception. Build a world around you, do WHATEVER you want, only limits are your imagination and how many hours you are in deep sleep.

Trouble with it is it requires absolute dedication. Healthy sleep patterns, journaling your dreams, etc… for months sometimes years on end before you can 'master' it. I didn't have the motivation for that, so it didn't last long.

The first thing I try to do whenever I have a lucid dream is try to fly… I've always had this thing where I wish I could just escape the world, fly away. I'm v jealous of birds. Idek what I'm saying rn just rambling lmao.

Anyways no need to apologize for sharing here Sovcat

 

[sovcat]

@Kore

Thanks for hearing me out! An insurance guy just told me not to apologize too much just some minutes ago lol.

Lucid dreaming.. man. On paper, it sounds great, but of the times I've actually started a lucid dream, something would happen where I would get TOO excited and my body decides to end the dream in a sleep paralysis state. Like you, I would usually start flying, but once I feel some emotional excitement from it, BOOM sleep paralysis.

But yeah, hope you get a chance to try it out if your sleep ever get's healthier at some point. Seems like a nice escape. Inception is a great movie btw. I don't consume much media anymore these past few years, but that one leaves a strong impression.

 

[Kore]

@Kore

Thanks for hearing me out! An insurance guy just told me not to apologize too much just some minutes ago lol.

Lucid dreaming.. man. On paper, it sounds great, but of the times I've actually started a lucid dream, something would happen where I would get TOO excited and my body decides to end the dream in a sleep paralysis state. Like you, I would usually start flying, but once I feel some emotional excitement from it, BOOM sleep paralysis.

But yeah, hope you get a chance to try it out if your sleep ever get's healthier at some point. Seems like a nice escape. Inception is a great movie btw. I don't consume much media anymore these past few years, but that one leaves a strong impression.

Well there ya go!

Ah yeah I've had the exact same problem… and there is a 'solution' for it! Part of the training involves something called 'dream stabilization'. When you feel your heart beat and your vision blur, and the dream starts to become unstable, there are things you can do to calm yourself and stabilize the dream. One of them, the one that worked for me - and trust me I know it sounds crazy - is spinning. Literally start spinning round on the spot as fast as you can for a few seconds, then try to concentrate on what you expected to see (what you were just dreaming about) and it's suddenly vivid and stable again. Sounds counter intuitive!! But I gave it a go and can confirm it strangely works lmao

 

[waterworks]

I keep glancing at the date and noticing it's going up and up, but I'm hardly noticing time passing these days. I'll glance at the calendar and realize a few weeks have passed. I feel like I'm just slowly chipping away at my block of life, patiently waiting until I don't wake up again.

I made the decision to hang around because I can't deal with the guilt and shame of breaking my families hearts, even those of them that have broken mine time and time again. But… how do you stay motivated in this shitty world? It's a constant struggle, a constant fight with myself.

Oddly enough, these past few months I've found myself looking up old Sega console games on YouTube for the nostalgia. I was listening to the Sonic The Hedgehog stage music. I want more and more to be a kid again. But I also know, my childhood wasn't as rosy as I remember it. Frankly, it was often a nightmare, and games were my escape; but I had relationships, friends, dreams. I had something in me that hid the thought of ending it all so it was never even an option. Now it's been over 21 years... I relate to the sudden passing of time and the guilt of leaving my family behind.

I still dream often of the good times, and wake up crying. I hate waking up. The dreams are 'nightmares', but not ones that scare you. They're of old friends and past relationships, of smiling and laughter. They're the ones that remind you of all you've lost, of the person you used to be, of a past you can never be part of again. I wish I could just dream of blackness each night, would rather no dream than a "happy" one. Haven't been getting much sleep lately.

I just… don't know.

This is just a vent. Doubt many will read this far, if you did, maybe let me know how you cope. Or confirm my suspicion that it's all pointless anyway.

Time to put my mask back on and conform to society's expectations for another day. Cya round.

~Kore

I can't really say I'm coping, because I'm ending it soon. But I can say I understand you. There's an interesting thought I have. Eventually, humans as a society will hit a ceiling, one in which we as a species will not be able to advance until we truly begin to understand each other. Either we destroy ourselves by our manipulations and distrust of each other or find ourselves and begin a new kind of civilization that isn't about putting on masks and pleasantries, but being who we are. I like that that's possible, even though I won't be around for it.

Maybe that's me coping. Knowing I won't have to find out how bad this gets. So I can play along just long enough to start my own journey, through whatever comes after death, or end it, if there is only inexistence.

Hope you have a good day at least.

 

[sovcat]

@Kore

Huh! Interesting technique. Thanks! Maybe I'll give it a shot one day.