I just don’t want to feel like this anymore…

[WanderingGypsy]

Hello! I have been lurking on here for a while, and thought I'd finally post. I think I finally made an account because I'm getting closer to ctb. Or I have been having a harder and harder time fighting things anymore. I also just need to vent.

A (somewhat) brief introduction…like so many others on here, I have a complex life that has lead me to where I am today. I'm 42 (F), divorced for almost 15 years, never had a serious relationship since then. No children, just a dog (she's the only thing keeping me going most days). I am no longer close to my family as I have learned how unsupportive, hurtful, and awful they are. I live several states from them, and found that moving away 7 years ago helped me realize how I needed to separate myself from them.

I have done all of the things "society" tells us we have to do-went to college (I have a master's degree), go to work (I'm a social worker), be a good human. I follow all the rules and laws of society and humanity, and have always done what "you're suppose to". Things are suppose to work out, right?!? But not in my life. I have worked so hard to get to where I am professionally, but don't have anything to show. I get passed up for jobs and committees. I have poured my life and soul into to my job helping people. But there's not money in what I do and no matter how hard I work, I'm always broke. My debt is piling up and I don't even have energy to work anymore.

Two years ago I said I'd wait until the end of the year to see if things got better, and like always, it got better for a few months. The start of last year I was doing a little better, but then everything started falling apart again. My mom was diagnosed with cancer in Feb, my job changed in March, and during the summer my anxiety and depression skyrocketed. I had never felt this way before, and when I thought things couldn't get worse. I ended up finally seeing the doctor and getting on some different meds. They helped for a while and I started to feel better. Then my mom had a stroke and died. My dad treated me like shit the whole time she was dying and I was helping out. I wasn't able to work for two months. Whatever progress I had made was destroyed and I'm at the lowest point I have ever been.

Nothing has helped, I can't get thru it, I can't fight it the way I use to be able to. Things are so much worse. I've lost all hope. I have decided now to give myself six months.

I have thought this thru for so long and honestly can't see any other option. I'm so hopeless and miserable. Why should I have to keep going?! I'm broke and hardly able to function and get thru everyday life. I'm only going to become more of a burden to people as I get older and there's no one to take care of me. I honestly don't think my family cares about me and going thru my mom's illness and death just proved this to me. I am thankful for my friends who have helped me get this far, but they have their own lives, and that's ok. I have done bereavement support for many years. I know death causes grief to those around you, but I also know that people can move on after someone has died. I don't want anyone to grieve, but I also know that they will move on. I've become more isolated from my friends and community in hopes this helps them.

I just needed to say these things out loud/on here to help me process it all, and share my story. I have found comfort here-knowing I'm not alone in feeling this way-finally feeling validated for what I'm going through. I just wish we all could be at peace!

 

[ItsAllSoTiresome]

Hey friend, I'm sorry to hear about your mom, that must have been so terrible for you to go through. My mom had a brain haemorrhage 18 months ago and nearly died, she's recovered slightly but her cognitive capabilities are significantly reduced and she's not really the same person anymore. She's the only person I really care about anymore, my dad only cares about his golf handicap and his endless home renovations, my siblings are very busy people with very busy lives who barely talk to me, all I want to do is to CTB but I can't stop thinking about how it would affect mom , I feel trapped in that way somehow. Sending hugs and solidarity to you

 

[Yellow_Water620]

Losing your mother is devastating. Everything feels unbearable, the world feels like its moving on so fast while you feel like you've been put on hold. But the best thing you can do is accept. Accept the anxiety, anger, fear—what have you. Because when you think about it, anger is a momentary relapse into madness.

When you accept your reality, you have accomplished a great feat. You can now make the best decision, unclouded. Acceptance quells the aforementioned emotions because it becomes synchronized with your being. It is futile to deny what is in front of you, to wish the world were different. What has happened, has happened. What will, will.

But acceptance doesn't mean giving up. With a rational mind—free from resentment, anxiety, and other influences—you can ask yourself: What can I do about it? There is no telling what you'll come up with. And even if there is no answer, you can accept that instead of adding onto your suffering.

Because it is when we accept that happiness even in its smallest form becomes possible.

I recommend the youtube channel: Accepting the Universe.

Alternatively, he has a website I'll link below with the same videos, and or a newsletter with his writings.

Maybe it'll make your days a bit better?

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Definitely feel this in a big way. You pour so much of yourself into helping others in the hopes of fixing them and in turn making the world just a bit of a better place and it all seems like it's for naught.

If it's any solace, I am sure at some point(s) you have made a difference in someone else's life in some way. Even if you haven't seen clear evidence of it, it probably has happened at some point. The real problem though is you likely have neglected your own well being in pursuit of said noble idea. This is not to say that your efforts have been in vain or a waste of time, rather you buried your problems in your work hoping to suppress them. It's a coping mechanism a lot of us use because facing said issues is frankly, fucking terrifying.

All that said, may I suggest you take time to do something for yourself each day? Doesn't have to be grandiose or complex, just a little affirmation that says, "Yeah, that was nice" and helps to bring a bit of comfort to you. Even if it's only temporary.

But whatever path you choose ultimately, let it be one that clears your mind and heart of what ails you. I wish you the best in any choice you make.