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Ifonlysheknew

Ifonlysheknew

Member
Apr 24, 2018
31
With everything that's happened in my life, I just feel like I'm on a constant rollercoaster. No matter what I do, just when I think things are okay and stable, it flips and I'm forced to go back to reality.
Whatever I say, whatever I do, doesn't matter. I talk and try and hope, and I'm always back here, hopeless and helpless.
I feel absolutely alone. Ffs I'm writing an anonymous venting thread addressed to no one. I thought I felt this way cuz my mom died and all, but no. I've felt this way before. I keep feeling this way. It's not anything external, it's just _me_.
I don't know why this is happening. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. It feels like I'm trying so fucking hard but it doesn't matter. All it takes is one mistake and it all comes crashing down. I don't know why I bother typing, or talking, or breathing. It means nothing. It is it for me, this is my fate.
I can deal with that. I can deal with doing this myself, I can deal with reading parenting books to learn to raise myself well, I can deal with having to maintain straight A *, I can deal with the violence and the instability and the ache, with knowing there's no one that's gonna give a fuck cuz let's be honest, it's a man eat man world and the only person that'd have a real emotional tie would be your mother. Mines dead, and it's not like I got much time with her before anyways.
All I ask, just one thing, is to half just half a minute of a break. To feel safe. To not have to worry, keep my guard up and be ready for a fight.
What did I do? To have this follow me forever? I'm doing everything I can think of to try to fix myself. Even therapy isn't working. What can I do to make this pain go away?
If there's a god out there, please hear my prayer.
I remain a hopeless lump on scum on the ground, writhing in pain and trying to reach out to call for help.
I have nothing, and I have no one.

I sit here and wait for someone, anyone, to read what I write and reply. For a random stranger to validate what I feel. To validate what I can't. It's pathetic, really.
It's come to the point that I'm so desperate, this is what I resort to.
I don't know what else to do. I know nothing I do matters. I know this isn't gonna change anything. I'm so hopeless I can't think of any other options. I'm just here, waiting for something to happen. Cuz I'm to coward to just end it myself, of course.
 
Last edited:
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M

Marawa

HereButNot
Dec 30, 2018
249
I can relate. I don't have the energy to go into detail but you're definitely not alone
 
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21Neberg

21Neberg

Enlightened
Dec 17, 2018
1,624
I feel what you wrote. What's helping me though is kind people on this forum.
 
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meaningisgone

meaningisgone

Student
Feb 17, 2019
112
Thanks for expressing yourself so honestly, relatably, and eloquently. You are heard and understood, loud and clear. Furthermore, I accept you for the way you are.

You didn't do anything to deserve this misery. None of us did.

I wish I had some magical combination of words and deeds that would truly provide solace. I don't. But I hear you and I care. We're connected through desperation and agony.

Therapy doesn't help me either. The system isn't properly equipped for people like us. There isn't any medication in the world that can restore that which I have lost throughout my life. There isn't anything any mental health professional can say that doesn't sound generic and meaningless to me.

All I can really say is, I hear and feel you and wish you peace.
 
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Raggas

Raggas

Suicide is self expression
Dec 31, 2018
306
Yeah, there's no sense of peace for a lot of us. Maybe when I'm sleeping but I can't be conscious for that.
 
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