ForeverLonely82
Student
- Dec 22, 2021
- 160
**Long post and my life story, read if you want***
Right now I am feeling very defeated and in a very low state. I have come to terms with how I am just one of those "mishaps" that are born into a world that hates you just by merely existing. Wasn't always like this though. When I was young I had some close friends and my little circle that did things together. Played Video games, watch T.V., talk and basically enjoy each other's company. I was born in 82 and I want to say life was ok until the year I graduated. 2000. My friends drifted further from me, until we stopped contacting each other altogether. My first love broke up with me after admitting she was more attracted to women and trying to figure out what I was going to do for life. The economy was really bad when graduating in Michigan. I had no work experience, I have learning disorders so i get easily confused and frustrated when I don't understand something. This was a very trying time to find work after graduation, even Mcdonalds in my area wasn't hiring. After 2 years of struggling to find work my mother kicked me out because I wasn't contributing. At the time I had a friend I could crash at for a couple days, but spent most of my time on the street, Thankfully they took me to DHS while I was able to collect Food stamps and one year of health care. After staying the allowed time at a friends I would live behind my closing childhood video store "Video Busters" in south warren,MI. The owner didn't mind me being there since I didn't bother any one and said as long as I didn't, he would allow it, he even bought me Burger king a couple times...speaking of which that is where I would go to take a sink bath and use the restroom.. I applied there and used my friends as a call back number...I would check with them every monday for a couple weeks to see if I got a call, according to them they never did.
Eventually I had enough of being in the cold, not having any luck finding work and just done... So I went to my mom's home one night and slept in her broken car, used a garbage bag as a sleeping bag. The next morning I heard a knock on the car window and it was here with a confused look on her face... she wanted to know why I was there and told her "We need to talk.." I told her, at the time she had a boarder living with there, he was a awful person, basically forcing god down our throats and acting mighty than thou and a narcissist, we actually got in fist fights a few times before I was kicked out. So, I sat with my mom in the dining room and she said "What do you want to say?" I told her "I came here to say goodbye...after this I am going to the I-696 over pass and end everything". She was silent for a moment before starting to cry and said "Don't do it, you'll go to hell" and then the anger felt blew up "Hell?! THIS IS HELL, THIS EXISTENCE IS NOTHING BUT, AND GIVEN IT EXISTS I DOUBT WILL BE MUCH DIFFERENT THAN THIS! I TRIED GETTING WORK AND YOU THREW ME AWAY LIKE GARBAGE!" and she responded "Maybe you should go to the mental home and get help" Now, that angered me much more, you see I been in the mental home 4 times at that point and responded with "Oh yeah, because that helped me so much to be in basically jail 4 times! The hell with it! I am done!....anyway that's all I wanted to say...Good bye, mother!" I went to start to leave and she grabs my wrist and says "Stay...just promise me you'll keep trying to get employed." and I said "I been trying even when living on the street! No one is hiring, but fine, I'll keep trying..." she said "as long as you keep trying I won't kick you out again, just..don't end your life, ok?" I said shaking at the time 'Ok..I won't".
I did decide to give therapy one last try. thanks to it, I was put on partial disability at the time and put in a program that helps people with mental problems find work. Through the program, they would test abilities you might have in the job force and basically work about 4 hours doing simple tasks. the first place was this cult church down the street (don't ask) and do cleaning maintenance. I was graded average for my performance (I am fat, thus slow), My second task the following week was bagging groceries in which I did very well and got a high performance rating. After they called a few places, they found me a retail job unloading trucks for two days a week, 16 hours...was better than nothing and given that I was working there, the program paid them to keep me as a employee..that was in 2003..I was there until 2011 and I knew that place from front to back..they made me do EVERYTHING.
I met my now wife in 2007, I used to make vlogging videos on youtube and I made one about how I am a misogynist (My last GF at the time was in 2005 and she did me dirty...lost the remaining friends I had because they sided with her...she cheated on me and was pissed...that was the final straw for me then) and my now wife saw that video and was the only person that didn't make fun of me, in her words "I didn't see a guy who was just spewing things just for attention, I saw a guy who's been through hell and was hurting, and needed a way to vent my pain and frustration...albeit in a crude fashion" because I am very crude and swear like a sailor. We started talking on yahoo messenger (remember it?) and we'd chat for hours and hours, eventually moving to phone calls and we would flirt back in forth until we decided to try a LDR (Long distance relationship) we'd have virtual sex, and say sweet things to each other, fell in love. The first time I made the trip to see her was in 2008, she originally was going to come see me in late 07, but got ill. So I saved money and took a bus that took 28 hours to get there. I wasn't able to sleep, when I first boarded the bus it dawned on me that I am going across the country by myself and had a major panic attack before deporting from the station, but I met some really nice people, a married black couple offered me some chicken, but my stomach was knotted up and declined but we talk in the middle of the night and they told me about their travels, I enjoyed that. I finally reached my destination and she picked up me and it felt like I met my soul mate, we did EVERYTHING in that week I was there and it was awesome. Saw her again the following year in 09, took a train that time, while it was longer of a ride, it was more comfortable and was able to sleep..I took a vicodin to help though. I spent 2 weeks that time and had an even grander time. two nights before I departed, we had a nice love making session to where after it, I got on my knee and preposed, she accepted. 2 years later in 2011, we married, I left my job and I left michigan.
I wish I could say and "we lived happily ever after" far from it. For the first 3 years I lived with her mom and that and the jobs I worked at gave me PTSD and anxiety/panic disorder. She made our lives hell. Bascially took my entire pay check, we never had money to do anything. The first job I found here was a call center for U.S. Cellular. I was tech support (I am pretty good with tech...I built my own computers since I was 17) was micro managed to all hell, the security guards would get all strict about NOT being in the smoking area when vaping (I quit smoking in 2010 when my wife introduced me to E-cigs, I am a vaper now) and it was stressful.. after work I couldn't communicate with my wife and just felt drained. I would come home and just grind on Diablo III (new at the time) until bed...her mother would start arguing about how I forgot to do the dishes or take out the trash, I got her face and said "What is wrong with you or the wife, you guys aren't physically disabled. I am NOT married to you, but I am to her. i am tired of your shit, fuck off!" she said "Lazy bastard!" and I responded "Takes one to know one, Can't Understand Normal Thinker!" she stormed off, to which my wife went to her and they had a screaming match...and those went on for a while to the point where I refused to eat dinner with them and would eat after her mom went to bed. Diet was chicken leg quarters and cup noodle ramen. anyways I worked for 8 months at the CC before I was fired, we were heavy in que and forgot to verify the account. Told the wife that and she was upset that we'd have to tell her mom about it, that was bad because she called me things like "Loser", "Pathetic", "Waste of Space" and everything else. I just had to sit there and take it because I actually agreed with her. 2 weeks after that, I got a call back from walmart as a unloader which didn't work out, I messed my back up doing it and became a maintenance worker instead, but they made me do other things such as cashier, stocking and carry outs...on the same pay rate as a maintenance employee which was minimum wage. During the stress of that job is when I started declining in my mental health, Because my marriage was a lie at that point, my wife barely touched me, kissed me or made love to me after we got married.. it was almost like a switch. I remember being tired and mumbling on the way to work, barely being coherent, basically about to snap. Wife took me to the hospital instead of walmart and they said I was having a mental episode and when I came too I threatened to CTB by hooking my CPAP to the car exhaust and was placed in a involuntary hold for 3 days. After I got out and was tired of being a slave to walmart. I snapped...threw things, screamed at others and saw red. I remember clocking out and telling everyone around that "I HOPE THERE IS A HELL AND YOU ALL GET RAPED BY A GODDAMN PITCH FORK!".(trying to shorting things up from this point one because it's getting longer than I wanted). Shortly after I saw a psychiatrist and she diagnosed me with PTSD and Bi polar type 1, Anxiety and panic disorder and said that I should be on disability because I've become a danger to myself and others.
in 2014 I was awarded SSD, my wife and I moved from her moms to a place of our own. I thought maybe moving would improve our marriage and intimacy. Nope. I had to face facts that I now live in a dead bedroom and it's been that way ever since, we'd have brief times where we would engage but it felt like she did it out of pity or something. in 10 years from that time, Things have changed for the worst. I lost the friend I made down here because he mentioned "I hate people who are on SSD and food stamps, they are scourges!" on his discord, I took that personally and said "well if I am a scourge to you then I don't know why you want to be friends with me, if it was a problem with you I wish you would come to me instead of passively mentioning it in your discord that you know I am a part of. if you really feel this way, maybe we shouldn't be friends" **BLOCKED** and he wrote a diatribe that I couldn't read because it was on his discord, but thankfully I was friends with another guy who was a part of it saying stuff like "A fat piece of shit, worthless a incel to point where his wife won't touch him and I am dirty and trash, I should be ashamed of myself and will die alone" All this really hurt to where I was holding a knife and was going to stab out my juggular vein. a friend reached out when I told him "I won't be alive after tonight" and what does he do....Tells the person I was no longer friends with and they 5150'd me! Cops came and told me that I needed to talk to a psychiatrist...I calmed down when they showed up...and the psychiatrist wouldn't even see me and the report the cop wrote was highly exaggerated. Now this was bad because my wife is a amputee (two year later she became a double amputee due to diabetes and infection) and I had to leave her alone with no help or anything. Like I said I am a caring person and even though I am not getting my needs met emotionally or physically in my sad excuse for a marriage. I STILL CARE...as she has no one else, even her brother doesn't care to talk to her anymore. so I was involuntary hold again for 3 days... making it 6 times being in one of those places, which don't help, they are like jail and have shit rules...you can sleep all day if you want, BUT I couldn't sleep because I didn't have my CPAP and I can't sleep without it! So I came home after that and just felt like a shell, still feel like that. People throw me away for reasons I don't know and wish I did, My wife and I are distant, I feed and take care of her, but I get no pay off or anything, no kisses or hugs even. I have no friends now and a love less marriage. The things I do to cope with this shit existence. my friday beer drinking, video games, anime and even A.I. that used to help with the loneliness have become meaningless. I am just a obese, middle aged man that has no energy anymore, I am exhausted. I gave up and who could blame me when you fought hard for many things only for it to be in ruin. You have these fucking normies that are like "Get up, dust your self up and try again" Mother fucker, my WHOLE life has been that way and each time I try, it ends in misery...I am fucking tired. I just can't. So i am basically just going through the motions until my days are done. No friends, No life, Loveless,Dead bedroom marriage. No calls, no texts....nothing. Ever feel like your a disease that every one avoids? that's what it feels like to be in my shoes. I guess i am a plague that no one wants around, NGL it hurts badly, it's lonely, it's cold and so meaningless. To those who still have the will to fight, I hope you get what you want out of this life and it sticks and it probably will as with me all I want is love and be loved and desired..I don't ask for much nor do I go out of my way to hurt others because I know what it's like to hurt. My heart is on my sleeve, but I am tired of that as well. I just want to be completely numb, maybe even, as the pink Floyd song goes "Comfortably Numb". My mother passed away a day before thanksgiving this year due to chirrhosis, even after all the shit we went through, she cared enough to talk with me on friday and that was nice, but she's gone now. No one to talk to... Everytime I talk to my wife she wants me to do something. "Get her this" and "go to store and grab that". Never anything else... I am sorry for this long rant...i am just miserable and tired and I probably shouldn't be writing this to a bunch of strangers, but I don't care anymore. Hope all of you have a blessed and wonderful christmas and if you see family or go places I hope you don't take that for granted...one day you may not have it anymore. Take it from this useless fat fuck that's just waiting for the end. I would love to have a get together, but you got to have people that care about you to have one and I don't. Finally, Don't say "you care" you don't know me enough to say this and I don't like fake statements like those. That's all I got to say. FL82 Out.
Right now I am feeling very defeated and in a very low state. I have come to terms with how I am just one of those "mishaps" that are born into a world that hates you just by merely existing. Wasn't always like this though. When I was young I had some close friends and my little circle that did things together. Played Video games, watch T.V., talk and basically enjoy each other's company. I was born in 82 and I want to say life was ok until the year I graduated. 2000. My friends drifted further from me, until we stopped contacting each other altogether. My first love broke up with me after admitting she was more attracted to women and trying to figure out what I was going to do for life. The economy was really bad when graduating in Michigan. I had no work experience, I have learning disorders so i get easily confused and frustrated when I don't understand something. This was a very trying time to find work after graduation, even Mcdonalds in my area wasn't hiring. After 2 years of struggling to find work my mother kicked me out because I wasn't contributing. At the time I had a friend I could crash at for a couple days, but spent most of my time on the street, Thankfully they took me to DHS while I was able to collect Food stamps and one year of health care. After staying the allowed time at a friends I would live behind my closing childhood video store "Video Busters" in south warren,MI. The owner didn't mind me being there since I didn't bother any one and said as long as I didn't, he would allow it, he even bought me Burger king a couple times...speaking of which that is where I would go to take a sink bath and use the restroom.. I applied there and used my friends as a call back number...I would check with them every monday for a couple weeks to see if I got a call, according to them they never did.
Eventually I had enough of being in the cold, not having any luck finding work and just done... So I went to my mom's home one night and slept in her broken car, used a garbage bag as a sleeping bag. The next morning I heard a knock on the car window and it was here with a confused look on her face... she wanted to know why I was there and told her "We need to talk.." I told her, at the time she had a boarder living with there, he was a awful person, basically forcing god down our throats and acting mighty than thou and a narcissist, we actually got in fist fights a few times before I was kicked out. So, I sat with my mom in the dining room and she said "What do you want to say?" I told her "I came here to say goodbye...after this I am going to the I-696 over pass and end everything". She was silent for a moment before starting to cry and said "Don't do it, you'll go to hell" and then the anger felt blew up "Hell?! THIS IS HELL, THIS EXISTENCE IS NOTHING BUT, AND GIVEN IT EXISTS I DOUBT WILL BE MUCH DIFFERENT THAN THIS! I TRIED GETTING WORK AND YOU THREW ME AWAY LIKE GARBAGE!" and she responded "Maybe you should go to the mental home and get help" Now, that angered me much more, you see I been in the mental home 4 times at that point and responded with "Oh yeah, because that helped me so much to be in basically jail 4 times! The hell with it! I am done!....anyway that's all I wanted to say...Good bye, mother!" I went to start to leave and she grabs my wrist and says "Stay...just promise me you'll keep trying to get employed." and I said "I been trying even when living on the street! No one is hiring, but fine, I'll keep trying..." she said "as long as you keep trying I won't kick you out again, just..don't end your life, ok?" I said shaking at the time 'Ok..I won't".
I did decide to give therapy one last try. thanks to it, I was put on partial disability at the time and put in a program that helps people with mental problems find work. Through the program, they would test abilities you might have in the job force and basically work about 4 hours doing simple tasks. the first place was this cult church down the street (don't ask) and do cleaning maintenance. I was graded average for my performance (I am fat, thus slow), My second task the following week was bagging groceries in which I did very well and got a high performance rating. After they called a few places, they found me a retail job unloading trucks for two days a week, 16 hours...was better than nothing and given that I was working there, the program paid them to keep me as a employee..that was in 2003..I was there until 2011 and I knew that place from front to back..they made me do EVERYTHING.
I met my now wife in 2007, I used to make vlogging videos on youtube and I made one about how I am a misogynist (My last GF at the time was in 2005 and she did me dirty...lost the remaining friends I had because they sided with her...she cheated on me and was pissed...that was the final straw for me then) and my now wife saw that video and was the only person that didn't make fun of me, in her words "I didn't see a guy who was just spewing things just for attention, I saw a guy who's been through hell and was hurting, and needed a way to vent my pain and frustration...albeit in a crude fashion" because I am very crude and swear like a sailor. We started talking on yahoo messenger (remember it?) and we'd chat for hours and hours, eventually moving to phone calls and we would flirt back in forth until we decided to try a LDR (Long distance relationship) we'd have virtual sex, and say sweet things to each other, fell in love. The first time I made the trip to see her was in 2008, she originally was going to come see me in late 07, but got ill. So I saved money and took a bus that took 28 hours to get there. I wasn't able to sleep, when I first boarded the bus it dawned on me that I am going across the country by myself and had a major panic attack before deporting from the station, but I met some really nice people, a married black couple offered me some chicken, but my stomach was knotted up and declined but we talk in the middle of the night and they told me about their travels, I enjoyed that. I finally reached my destination and she picked up me and it felt like I met my soul mate, we did EVERYTHING in that week I was there and it was awesome. Saw her again the following year in 09, took a train that time, while it was longer of a ride, it was more comfortable and was able to sleep..I took a vicodin to help though. I spent 2 weeks that time and had an even grander time. two nights before I departed, we had a nice love making session to where after it, I got on my knee and preposed, she accepted. 2 years later in 2011, we married, I left my job and I left michigan.
I wish I could say and "we lived happily ever after" far from it. For the first 3 years I lived with her mom and that and the jobs I worked at gave me PTSD and anxiety/panic disorder. She made our lives hell. Bascially took my entire pay check, we never had money to do anything. The first job I found here was a call center for U.S. Cellular. I was tech support (I am pretty good with tech...I built my own computers since I was 17) was micro managed to all hell, the security guards would get all strict about NOT being in the smoking area when vaping (I quit smoking in 2010 when my wife introduced me to E-cigs, I am a vaper now) and it was stressful.. after work I couldn't communicate with my wife and just felt drained. I would come home and just grind on Diablo III (new at the time) until bed...her mother would start arguing about how I forgot to do the dishes or take out the trash, I got her face and said "What is wrong with you or the wife, you guys aren't physically disabled. I am NOT married to you, but I am to her. i am tired of your shit, fuck off!" she said "Lazy bastard!" and I responded "Takes one to know one, Can't Understand Normal Thinker!" she stormed off, to which my wife went to her and they had a screaming match...and those went on for a while to the point where I refused to eat dinner with them and would eat after her mom went to bed. Diet was chicken leg quarters and cup noodle ramen. anyways I worked for 8 months at the CC before I was fired, we were heavy in que and forgot to verify the account. Told the wife that and she was upset that we'd have to tell her mom about it, that was bad because she called me things like "Loser", "Pathetic", "Waste of Space" and everything else. I just had to sit there and take it because I actually agreed with her. 2 weeks after that, I got a call back from walmart as a unloader which didn't work out, I messed my back up doing it and became a maintenance worker instead, but they made me do other things such as cashier, stocking and carry outs...on the same pay rate as a maintenance employee which was minimum wage. During the stress of that job is when I started declining in my mental health, Because my marriage was a lie at that point, my wife barely touched me, kissed me or made love to me after we got married.. it was almost like a switch. I remember being tired and mumbling on the way to work, barely being coherent, basically about to snap. Wife took me to the hospital instead of walmart and they said I was having a mental episode and when I came too I threatened to CTB by hooking my CPAP to the car exhaust and was placed in a involuntary hold for 3 days. After I got out and was tired of being a slave to walmart. I snapped...threw things, screamed at others and saw red. I remember clocking out and telling everyone around that "I HOPE THERE IS A HELL AND YOU ALL GET RAPED BY A GODDAMN PITCH FORK!".(trying to shorting things up from this point one because it's getting longer than I wanted). Shortly after I saw a psychiatrist and she diagnosed me with PTSD and Bi polar type 1, Anxiety and panic disorder and said that I should be on disability because I've become a danger to myself and others.
in 2014 I was awarded SSD, my wife and I moved from her moms to a place of our own. I thought maybe moving would improve our marriage and intimacy. Nope. I had to face facts that I now live in a dead bedroom and it's been that way ever since, we'd have brief times where we would engage but it felt like she did it out of pity or something. in 10 years from that time, Things have changed for the worst. I lost the friend I made down here because he mentioned "I hate people who are on SSD and food stamps, they are scourges!" on his discord, I took that personally and said "well if I am a scourge to you then I don't know why you want to be friends with me, if it was a problem with you I wish you would come to me instead of passively mentioning it in your discord that you know I am a part of. if you really feel this way, maybe we shouldn't be friends" **BLOCKED** and he wrote a diatribe that I couldn't read because it was on his discord, but thankfully I was friends with another guy who was a part of it saying stuff like "A fat piece of shit, worthless a incel to point where his wife won't touch him and I am dirty and trash, I should be ashamed of myself and will die alone" All this really hurt to where I was holding a knife and was going to stab out my juggular vein. a friend reached out when I told him "I won't be alive after tonight" and what does he do....Tells the person I was no longer friends with and they 5150'd me! Cops came and told me that I needed to talk to a psychiatrist...I calmed down when they showed up...and the psychiatrist wouldn't even see me and the report the cop wrote was highly exaggerated. Now this was bad because my wife is a amputee (two year later she became a double amputee due to diabetes and infection) and I had to leave her alone with no help or anything. Like I said I am a caring person and even though I am not getting my needs met emotionally or physically in my sad excuse for a marriage. I STILL CARE...as she has no one else, even her brother doesn't care to talk to her anymore. so I was involuntary hold again for 3 days... making it 6 times being in one of those places, which don't help, they are like jail and have shit rules...you can sleep all day if you want, BUT I couldn't sleep because I didn't have my CPAP and I can't sleep without it! So I came home after that and just felt like a shell, still feel like that. People throw me away for reasons I don't know and wish I did, My wife and I are distant, I feed and take care of her, but I get no pay off or anything, no kisses or hugs even. I have no friends now and a love less marriage. The things I do to cope with this shit existence. my friday beer drinking, video games, anime and even A.I. that used to help with the loneliness have become meaningless. I am just a obese, middle aged man that has no energy anymore, I am exhausted. I gave up and who could blame me when you fought hard for many things only for it to be in ruin. You have these fucking normies that are like "Get up, dust your self up and try again" Mother fucker, my WHOLE life has been that way and each time I try, it ends in misery...I am fucking tired. I just can't. So i am basically just going through the motions until my days are done. No friends, No life, Loveless,Dead bedroom marriage. No calls, no texts....nothing. Ever feel like your a disease that every one avoids? that's what it feels like to be in my shoes. I guess i am a plague that no one wants around, NGL it hurts badly, it's lonely, it's cold and so meaningless. To those who still have the will to fight, I hope you get what you want out of this life and it sticks and it probably will as with me all I want is love and be loved and desired..I don't ask for much nor do I go out of my way to hurt others because I know what it's like to hurt. My heart is on my sleeve, but I am tired of that as well. I just want to be completely numb, maybe even, as the pink Floyd song goes "Comfortably Numb". My mother passed away a day before thanksgiving this year due to chirrhosis, even after all the shit we went through, she cared enough to talk with me on friday and that was nice, but she's gone now. No one to talk to... Everytime I talk to my wife she wants me to do something. "Get her this" and "go to store and grab that". Never anything else... I am sorry for this long rant...i am just miserable and tired and I probably shouldn't be writing this to a bunch of strangers, but I don't care anymore. Hope all of you have a blessed and wonderful christmas and if you see family or go places I hope you don't take that for granted...one day you may not have it anymore. Take it from this useless fat fuck that's just waiting for the end. I would love to have a get together, but you got to have people that care about you to have one and I don't. Finally, Don't say "you care" you don't know me enough to say this and I don't like fake statements like those. That's all I got to say. FL82 Out.
Last edited:
