Venting i just want them to save me. i want them to hold me and tell me it’ll all be ok

[coolgal82]

i wish i didnt have to die i wish they could just solve all my issues i wish i could just be with them 24/7 365 days a year. i miss them so much. every day is just agony waiting for them to want to vc (and then when theres no vc you get funny incidents like me being drunk and awake at 9am after scratching the shit out of my thigh, hit styro for the first time though!) i miss them so much i hate being away from them but i also cant ask them cus i dont wanna seem to like needy or annoying or whatever i dont want them to hate me although i kinda do so i can stop being in this limbo of wanting to die until i talk to them then being fine if they were gone i would have the push i need to ctb i think. its probably gonna be my fault when it inevitably happens (no it definitely will, if they ever hate me its my own fault i literally cannot imagine a single realistic scenario where they hate me and its not my fault) and it'll be the worst day of my life.

i hate this existence and i hate that just the bit of them i get is like just enough for me to have second thoughts about ctb. it's like idk you're at an uncomfortable temperature but its bearable, but you cant get up to go change the temperature. idk bad example but like im just trapped in this limbo of hell where its like really high highs but really low lows. i dont even know why i feel this way about them this has never happened before idk what caused this. i just love them sm. i hope that when i die i can be reincarnated as their child. i love my besties sm i wish i couldbe a good friend for them but im just awful at everything i fucking hate myself.

I want them to go so i can be free and finally die but i dont have the strength to push them away i need them to much but this limbo is just awful i hate it but i love it but i love them but i hate myself i hate this i hate this i hate it this is hell
how do i stop this hell
i wish i was normal why am i like this? whats wrong sith me?
i wish i was normal instead im sitting here feeling awful missing my besties trying to get to sleep while my thigh is still on fire cus i went way too fucking hard yesterday owie breaking news hurting yourself hurts! who couldve seen this one coming!

 

[coolgal82]

the worst bit is it was the birthday of one of them today and i got nothing cus im fucking useless i wish they just admitted they hated me
honestly i dont deserve them theyre too good for me and im just a terrible person (especially with how ive unironically atleast fantasised about installing spyware on their devices so i can like be with them 24/7 lmao very normal) i wish they would just hate me i deserve it

 

[coolgal82]

i wish i could just ask them to like look at me and galidate that my feelings are real and tell me why im feeling that way and what to do and etc but that wont happen i hate it

 

[yearofluigi]

I relate to this a lot I have a super unhealthy attachment to my favourite person. It's really similar to what you described (except it's with just one person); I spend so much time and energy hoping he'll dm me and I get paralyzed whenever I think of starting a conversation with him because I'm terrified of being pushy or annoying. I don't wanna drive him away but really I just wanna cling to him and never let go.

I'm basically obsessed with him. I've had so many meltdowns over him and he probably doesn't know anything's wrong. I just wanna be normal about him. He's my best friend but I'm definitely not his; he has so many other, cooler friends who he's known a lot longer and is way closer to. We used to dm almost every day, and I think I felt pretty secure with that, but we don't talk anywhere near as often anymore. Maybe he thinks I lost interest, maybe he's busy, maybe he hates me, I dunno. I kinda wanna ctb just so I can turn my brain off and finally stop worrying about him. I'm very aware of how weird I'm being but like, I don't even want to be this attached. I don't want my whole life to revolve around him. It's stupid and I want it to stop but I dunno, the emotional part of my brain just never got the memo or something.

Sorry for making this all about myself... Your post was just so relatable that it sorta opened up a floodgate. My comment was actually originally much longer before I cut out a bunch of stuff, lol. In a weird way it has a relief to read your post and hear about someone going through similar addictive mental torture to what I'm going through, so I hope this comment makes you feel less alone too.

 

[coolgal82]

I relate to this a lot I have a super unhealthy attachment to my favourite person. It's really similar to what you described (except it's with just one person); I spend so much time and energy hoping he'll dm me and I get paralyzed whenever I think of starting a conversation with him because I'm terrified of being pushy or annoying. I don't wanna drive him away but really I just wanna cling to him and never let go.

I'm basically obsessed with him. I've had so many meltdowns over him and he probably doesn't know anything's wrong. I just wanna be normal about him. He's my best friend but I'm definitely not his; he has so many other, cooler friends who he's known a lot longer and is way closer to. We used to dm almost every day, and I think I felt pretty secure with that, but we don't talk anywhere near as often anymore. Maybe he thinks I lost interest, maybe he's busy, maybe he hates me, I dunno. I kinda wanna ctb just so I can turn my brain off and finally stop worrying about him. I'm very aware of how weird I'm being but like, I don't even want to be this attached. I don't want my whole life to revolve around him. It's stupid and I want it to stop but I dunno, the emotional part of my brain just never got the memo or something.

Sorry for making this all about myself... Your post was just so relatable that it sorta opened up a floodgate. My comment was actually originally much longer before I cut out a bunch of stuff, lol. In a weird way it has a relief to read your post and hear about someone going through similar addictive mental torture to what I'm going through, so I hope this comment makes you feel less alone too.

lmao im sorry you can relate but at the same time im glad im not alone
but god yeah thats all kinda real. tbh with my besties its weird cus its 2 people but its split between them weirdly? like theyre both dating and it feels like its more focused on one of them than the other but idk. its weird. i dont really understand it myself.

also dw feel free to like put whatever you cut out back cus i like hearing about other peoples similar experiences cus then i can use those to like... idk. compare against my own and understand my own better through a different perspective? its hard to describe but i like reading about people with similar issues cus i go "huh yeah i guess thats how i feel too" cus rn i have like a terrible understanding of myself so doing it through other people is kinda useful idk im drunk rn so this might not make sense but yeah feel free to rant even more about yourself/your experiences with this stuff

 

[coolgal82]

theyre still not on vc yhet if they dont get onj i think i might end up hurting myself i wish i could just tell them that maybe theyd get on but then id feel bad cus i basicaslly forced them but idk i cant be withouit them i hate it

 

[Namelesa]

Since you said about liking to hear other people's experiences that are similar, I will put mine here.

I totally understand the want to be with your favourite person all the time. I have had this happen multiple times with different people and I would rely on them for the main source of happiness. Whenever they interacted with me, I was overjoyed but also paranoid of doing something wrong and upsetting them. Problem was if they weren't available then I would feel empty or depressed and if they weren't responding for a while, my fear of abandonment would kick in and give me anxiety attacks. When they did leave me and not talk to me anymore, I would feel completely worthless and blame myself for it and so hate myself more. I just want to attach myself onto someone so that I can fill the emptiness inside and be cared for and feel like I matter.

 

[coolgal82]

Since you said about liking to hear other people's experiences that are similar, I will put mine here.

I totally understand the want to be with your favourite person all the time. I have had this happen multiple times with different people and I would rely on them for the main source of happiness. Whenever they interacted with me, I was overjoyed but also paranoid of doing something wrong and upsetting them. Problem was if they weren't available then I would feel empty or depressed and if they weren't responding for a while, my fear of abandonment would kick in and give me anxiety attacks. When they did leave me and not talk to me anymore, I would feel completely worthless and blame myself for it and so hate myself more. I just want to attach myself onto someone so that I can fill the emptiness inside and be cared for and feel like I matter.

thjats so real actually kinda i think. idk about the actual terminology or how to describe stuff really but the general feeling yeah thats howi feel about my besties. if they left me i would genuinely just be able to kill myself on the spot i think
ngl one good thing though is like idk i havent had a "fuck them i hate them" moment recently which i appreciate i guess? i almost had one a few days ago but idk i just somehow didnt (but also at the same time it makes me feel like the other ones werent real so half a W)
idk how it wouldnt be real when i spent an entire day 1 wrong look away from ending up on the news cus they watched a film together without me a day after i said we should watch more stuff together but like idk brain gonna brain!

 

[yearofluigi]

lmao im sorry you can relate but at the same time im glad im not alone
but god yeah thats all kinda real. tbh with my besties its weird cus its 2 people but its split between them weirdly? like theyre both dating and it feels like its more focused on one of them than the other but idk. its weird. i dont really understand it myself.

also dw feel free to like put whatever you cut out back cus i like hearing about other peoples similar experiences cus then i can use those to like... idk. compare against my own and understand my own better through a different perspective? its hard to describe but i like reading about people with similar issues cus i go "huh yeah i guess thats how i feel too" cus rn i have like a terrible understanding of myself so doing it through other people is kinda useful idk im drunk rn so this might not make sense but yeah feel free to rant even more about yourself/your experiences with this stuff

Yeah it's nice to be able to talk about it at least. I'm gonna try to retype the parts I cut out >:3

I really like spending time with him but it's only temporary relief before I'm alone again and the separation anxiety sets in. And it never takes long for me to realize there was something that I said that might've annoyed him or offended him or made him think I liked him too much or made him think I didn't like him enough and before I know it I'm having a meltdown, crying and hitting myself and wishing he'd come hold me even though I haven't actually given him any indication at all that anything's wrong.

It feels like my entire self-esteem is centred around how much he likes me. Like my brain takes literally nothing else into account when determining whether I should feel like I'm a good person at any given moment.

Whenever I think of something to say to him or see something I think he'd like, it's like there's a committee of obstructive politicians in my head that takes forever to come to any decision and ends up denying almost everything I think of doing anyway. Earlier this year I had dozens of tabs open in my browser with memes I wanted to send him but I was so scared that he wouldn't like them, and thus not like me, that I couldn't bring myself to send any of them for a long time. I think I forced myself to send one or two of them and closed the rest of the tabs. I think that if I actually had no filter, I really would be annoying; I'd send him a bunch of random shit or just say "hi :)" several times a day. But with my anxiety I get the opposite problem and I almost never send that first message.

I'm actually really curious about how this all looks from his perspective. I probably come off as pretty aloof in general, but occasionally there's a crack in the armour and I do something really embarrassing like beg him to stay when we're on a call and he's about to leave.

The worst part is that I can't actually address any of it with him. He makes me feel like shit every day but he hasn't actually done anything wrong. I've thought about taking some sorta coordinated break from being friends (deliberately not dming for a couple weeks or something like that, and then in theory I'd chill out after not having to worry about anything specific with him during that time) but I'm afraid that the time apart would make him forget about me, and besides, how would I even explain the idea to him? I can't just tell him that I've got this stupid thing where my brain is just locked on to him at all times for no good reason. That'd be weird. I feel like that there's nothing I can do except watch him slowly fade away, or maybe I'll just find someone else to become completely obsessed with.

I think that's all hehe

 

[shrizoid]

i wish i didnt have to die i wish they could just solve all my issues i wish i could just be with them 24/7 365 days a year. i miss them so much. every day is just agony waiting for them to want to vc (and then when theres no vc you get funny incidents like me being drunk and awake at 9am after scratching the shit out of my thigh, hit styro for the first time though!) i miss them so much i hate being away from them but i also cant ask them cus i dont wanna seem to like needy or annoying or whatever i dont want them to hate me although i kinda do so i can stop being in this limbo of wanting to die until i talk to them then being fine if they were gone i would have the push i need to ctb i think. its probably gonna be my fault when it inevitably happens (no it definitely will, if they ever hate me its my own fault i literally cannot imagine a single realistic scenario where they hate me and its not my fault) and it'll be the worst day of my life.

i hate this existence and i hate that just the bit of them i get is like just enough for me to have second thoughts about ctb. it's like idk you're at an uncomfortable temperature but its bearable, but you cant get up to go change the temperature. idk bad example but like im just trapped in this limbo of hell where its like really high highs but really low lows. i dont even know why i feel this way about them this has never happened before idk what caused this. i just love them sm. i hope that when i die i can be reincarnated as their child. i love my besties sm i wish i couldbe a good friend for them but im just awful at everything i fucking hate myself.

I want them to go so i can be free and finally die but i dont have the strength to push them away i need them to much but this limbo is just awful i hate it but i love it but i love them but i hate myself i hate this i hate this i hate it this is hell
how do i stop this hell
i wish i was normal why am i like this? whats wrong sith me?
i wish i was normal instead im sitting here feeling awful missing my besties trying to get to sleep while my thigh is still on fire cus i went way too fucking hard yesterday owie breaking news hurting yourself hurts! who couldve seen this one coming!

I also had somebody where I had feelings like this for, but long story short I don't talk to them anymore and it sucks, was my closet contact online for the longest

 

[coolgal82]

Yeah it's nice to be able to talk about it at least. I'm gonna try to retype the parts I cut out >:3

I really like spending time with him but it's only temporary relief before I'm alone again and the separation anxiety sets in. And it never takes long for me to realize there was something that I said that might've annoyed him or offended him or made him think I liked him too much or made him think I didn't like him enough and before I know it I'm having a meltdown, crying and hitting myself and wishing he'd come hold me even though I haven't actually given him any indication at all that anything's wrong.

It feels like my entire self-esteem is centred around how much he likes me. Like my brain takes literally nothing else into account when determining whether I should feel like I'm a good person at any given moment.

Whenever I think of something to say to him or see something I think he'd like, it's like there's a committee of obstructive politicians in my head that takes forever to come to any decision and ends up denying almost everything I think of doing anyway. Earlier this year I had dozens of tabs open in my browser with memes I wanted to send him but I was so scared that he wouldn't like them, and thus not like me, that I couldn't bring myself to send any of them for a long time. I think I forced myself to send one or two of them and closed the rest of the tabs. I think that if I actually had no filter, I really would be annoying; I'd send him a bunch of random shit or just say "hi :)" several times a day. But with my anxiety I get the opposite problem and I almost never send that first message.

I'm actually really curious about how this all looks from his perspective. I probably come off as pretty aloof in general, but occasionally there's a crack in the armour and I do something really embarrassing like beg him to stay when we're on a call and he's about to leave.

The worst part is that I can't actually address any of it with him. He makes me feel like shit every day but he hasn't actually done anything wrong. I've thought about taking some sorta coordinated break from being friends (deliberately not dming for a couple weeks or something like that, and then in theory I'd chill out after not having to worry about anything specific with him during that time) but I'm afraid that the time apart would make him forget about me, and besides, how would I even explain the idea to him? I can't just tell him that I've got this stupid thing where my brain is just locked on to him at all times for no good reason. That'd be weird. I feel like that there's nothing I can do except watch him slowly fade away, or maybe I'll just find someone else to become completely obsessed with.

I think that's all hehe

goddamn yeah thats kinda real holy shit. idk i dont have anything else to say other than yeah damn it be like that sometimes

 

[lamy2006]

lmao im sorry you can relate but at the same time im glad im not alone
but god yeah thats all kinda real. tbh with my besties its weird cus its 2 people but its split between them weirdly? like theyre both dating and it feels like its more focused on one of them than the other but idk. its weird. i dont really understand it myself.

also dw feel free to like put whatever you cut out back cus i like hearing about other peoples similar experiences cus then i can use those to like... idk. compare against my own and understand my own better through a different perspective? its hard to describe but i like reading about people with similar issues cus i go "huh yeah i guess thats how i feel too" cus rn i have like a terrible understanding of myself so doing it through other people is kinda useful idk im drunk rn so this might not make sense but yeah feel free to rant even more about yourself/your experiences with this stuff

I think I'll write my experiences aswell.


The first time I noticed something was up, was when they messaged me and I full on felt euphoria.
Everything felt brighter and clearer.
Doing anything with them is genuinely addictive and I have to hold myself back from talking to them all the time about everything.

If there's anything close to what I think it might be like is how a devout follower of a religion would feel if they interacted with their god.

But then, even thinking about them abandoning me, fills me with so so so much fear. I can't even dwell on it.
On the one hand, a lot of things have become easier because there are a lot of actions that are objectively good (like working out, eating well) that i can convince myself to do because I can convince myself that me being fit / just better in general is a net positive for them.
If I'm perfect then I'll have no flaws and there would be no reason to leave me.
I feel incredibly selfish. Am I taking advantage of them, through them talking to me because they make explosions go off in my brain, or because I genuienly enjoy their company?
It's probably both.

@yearofluigi:
Whenever I think of something to say to him or see something I think he'd like, it's like there's a committee of obstructive politicians in my head that takes forever to come to any decision and ends up denying almost everything I think of doing anyway.

I relate to this, but the fear of not talking to them, and them finding me boring overrides my fear of being annoying.

I'm really scared to talk to them about it because I'm scared that they'll find my obsession with them to be weird and then leave me.

@Namelesa:
Problem was if they weren't available then I would feel empty or depressed and if they weren't responding for a while, my fear of abandonment would kick in and give me anxiety attacks

This got me thinking.

 

[coolgal82]

I think I'll write my experiences aswell.


The first time I noticed something was up, was when they messaged me and I full on felt euphoria.
Everything felt brighter and clearer.
Doing anything with them is genuinely addictive and I have to hold myself back from talking to them all the time about everything.

If there's anything close to what I think it might be like is how a devout follower of a religion would feel if they interacted with their god.

But then, even thinking about them abandoning me, fills me with so so so much fear. I can't even dwell on it.
On the one hand, a lot of things have become easier because there are a lot of actions that are objectively good (like working out, eating well) that i can convince myself to do because I can convince myself that me being fit / just better in general is a net positive for them.
If I'm perfect then I'll have no flaws and there would be no reason to leave me.
I feel incredibly selfish. Am I taking advantage of them, through them talking to me because they make explosions go off in my brain, or because I genuienly enjoy their company?
It's probably both.


I relate to this, but the fear of not talking to them, and them finding me boring overrides my fear of being annoying.

I'm really scared to talk to them about it because I'm scared that they'll find my obsession with them to be weird and then leave me.



This got me thinking.

View attachment 156198

interesting how like the two fears of like being annoying and like just wanting to talk to them can get like weighed/calvulated differently for different people (does that make sense? i just woke up)
but also real on the fear of talking to them about it though like im torn between jfc if they find out its over and kinda wanting them to to see what they say and also just wanting them to because my brain just desperately wants them to like idk validate what im feeling or explain why im feeling that like my brain tends to try and want to outsource understanding myself to other people cus i cant do it myself but i dont wanna be weird or annoying and theres some stuff they just cannot know

also as for the last bit i've never gotten fully like that but one time they did all like meet up for a week or so meaning they werent online and jesus christ that was the worst week in my life i had no fucking energy i felt awful every time i ate i felt like i was gonna throw it right back up all i did was just watch movies all day while missing them. i still have not like fully recovered from that i dont think it was fucking awful

i have alot of other funny brain moments and stuff too though that i hate like during that time i was also really jealous and it was very ew, i get jealous about them alot like theres this one person who my main bestie is like idk theyre friends but my brain is like "no theyre too close youre gonna get replaced" and its also convinced the girl shes talking to is just like actively wanting to replace me and whenever i see any of her messages they make me so angry cus it just feels like she knows fucking exactly what shes trying to do and she knows that icknow and shes just fucking laughing at me but i cant do anything about her and it drives me fucking insane idk when they first interacted i got so worried i had to go throw up lmao

also like the time my bestie and her were chatting and like i was already on the edge of a breakdown just from that, then my bestie pinged me into the convo for me to like back her up on something and i was just "yo are we back?" then like that bit of the convo ended and she started agreeing more with her so i went "its over" then she didnt instantly respond to one of my messages in the convo so just had a fucking rage moment and decided that she was an awful person and she'd betrayed me and was actually just gonna replace me with her. i dont know if thats the one that then lasted into the next day as well or if that was another time though but like when that happens its usually over by the time i go to bed but its just like idk i am lucky that its set up in a way where im so intwined with them so its hard for me to truly leave easily although that doesnt fully stop me like one time i had a breakdown and accused them all of secretly hating me and shit and left that was a very awful moment the guilt i felt afterwards jfc

ok that once again developed into a yapfest but yeah

im glad you also shared your experiences though its nice hearing them

 

[coolgal82]

i love them theyre so awesome i could be happy if i could just talk to them forever and ever and only do that i wish i could only do that i wish i could be with them forever i never want this to end

 

[-nobodyknows-]

I wish that someone could save me too.

 

[coolgal82]

I wish that someone could save me too.

i want it to just be specifically them tbh no one else could i dont think

 

[Overwhelmed52]

I wish I had someone I felt safe with. I wish I felt liked for myself and taken care of, and that I could do the same for them.

 

[coolgal82]

I wish I had someone I felt safe with. I wish I felt liked for myself and taken care of, and that I could do the same for them.

honestly real but also i kinda just wish i could like people just a normal amount/in a normal way and not be like this this sucks even if i got lucky and theyre pretty cool
why am i like this i hate it i love it but i hate it

 

[Overwhelmed52]

honestly real but also i kinda just wish i could like people just a normal amount/in a normal way and not be like this this sucks even if i got lucky and theyre pretty cool
why am i like this i hate it i love it but i hate it

For me, I've gotten obsessed with people, thinking about them all the time, then after a while I get over them and look back and wonder what I was thinking. But then I went ahead and got obsessed with someone else. I think it has a lot to do with me being a loner (not by choice) and not being able to make connections, so I way overreact when I like someone and end up turning them into someone they're not. It's basically a way to fill my time since I don't have anything else going on. I'd love it if I had someone I could have a real partnership with, but for a lot of reasons that hasn't been possible for me. I'll try to become interested in a project or obligation instead, like signing up for a course or other commitment that I have to prepare and show up for. It works a little.

 

[coolgal82]

god i hate being like this i hate this i hate this i had a breakdown earlier cus soem guy sucks to vc with and keeps joining and like it might mean i cant vc with my besties asd much I FUCKING HATE WHEN THE VC GETS DISRUPTED so i cut myself and had an edible and some alcohol cus i couldnt handle just the idea of not talking to them as much properly i hate it. thankfully its just one of my besties that likes him the other agrees and hates him so maybe we can get rid of the annoying guy idk we're gonna try talk to my bestie tomorrow

 

[yearofluigi]

goddamn yeah thats kinda real holy shit. idk i dont have anything else to say other than yeah damn it be like that sometimes

It really do :(

i have alot of other funny brain moments and stuff too though that i hate like during that time i was also really jealous and it was very ew, i get jealous about them alot like theres this one person who my main bestie is like idk theyre friends but my brain is like "no theyre too close youre gonna get replaced" and its also convinced the girl shes talking to is just like actively wanting to replace me and whenever i see any of her messages they make me so angry cus it just feels like she knows fucking exactly what shes trying to do and she knows that icknow and shes just fucking laughing at me but i cant do anything about her and it drives me fucking insane idk when they first interacted i got so worried i had to go throw up lmao

Oh shit this part is really real too. Idk how I forgot to mention this but I'm also constantly worrying about being replaced

For me, I've gotten obsessed with people, thinking about them all the time, then after a while I get over them and look back and wonder what I was thinking. But then I went ahead and got obsessed with someone else. I think it has a lot to do with me being a loner (not by choice) and not being able to make connections, so I way overreact when I like someone and end up turning them into someone they're not. It's basically a way to fill my time since I don't have anything else going on. I'd love it if I had someone I could have a real partnership with, but for a lot of reasons that hasn't been possible for me. I'll try to become interested in a project or obligation instead, like signing up for a course or other commitment that I have to prepare and show up for. It works a little.

Yeah I think not being super close to anyone, and overreacting when there's potential for a close friendship, is a big part of it for me too

 

[NeedAnEscape]

I know what it's like to cling to a favorite person. My boyfriend is the center of my world, but I've thought the exact same thing about previous relationships, where I put all of my faith into this one person because I love them and I think they love me. It's almost worse now that I'm in a healthy relationship, where my partner does genuinely care about me and hasn't ruined my other relationships. He really wants me to reach out when I'm hurting myself, and I feel so guilty every time I cut. I want to fall into his arms and let him save me, but I feel so selfish for the amount of time that I take up in his life. We were together pretty much 24/7 for the past couple of days, but whenever he leaves, I just want to hurt myself again. But, I struggle to voice my feelings especially with how frequent they have been. I feel like I'm being a manipulative person if I admit that I just fall straight back into the spiral as soon as he's out of my eyesight. I fear being overly dependent on him, and I know that it's not fair for him to be the only thing holding me together right now. I struggle talking to him at all when I'm straying back into a self-destructive line of thought. But, if I don't respond to his messages for hours, especially when it's late, he gets so worried about me. One time I fell asleep while we were texting, and I woke up an hour and a half later to him calling me. He's the type of person who puts the entire world on his shoulders, and I don't want to be another thing that he has to worry about. He says that he always prefers knowing what I'm going through versus me hiding things from him. He wants to work through this difficult time with me; he really wants me to get better. He wants to be with me long-term, and as much as I love him, it feels like such a fairytale. It doesn't feel possible for me to get better, yet he has so much faith in me. I feel so warm and safe in his arms, but I know he will be better off without me. I don't know why he thinks of me as someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with, when I cannot imagine lasting much longer.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

I used to be like this. But after being betrayed by someone extremely important to me in a very horrible way, I have become the opposite. I have pushed everyone away, I avoid contact with others as much as possible and have also come to realize I am not good for other people so me doing all this is completely justified. Why? Because it's better if I don't drag others into my world. Like you, I desperately want someone to listen, say the right words and I can have an epiphany that will magically reverse things, but yeah, that certainly ain't realistic now is it?

I can still relate to a lot of what you feel even though I have isolated myself from almost everyone. I regret my decision deeply and some people do try and reach out, but I have been avoiding relationships for a few years now of any type and it's taking its toll. Hopefully soon I can go....

 

[Unknown21]

I can relate op, hope you the best, you deserve it

 

[coolgal82]

I can relate op, hope you the best, you deserve it

i disagree but thanks lol (and im sorry you can relate this sucks like rn i am contemplating sh and feel fucking awful just cus there might not be vc tonight (other than the few hours that already happened) cus my bestie doesnt feel good which like i get it and i also wish she didnt feel bad but also being alone just hurts and also we were gonna discuss the problem guy today but like most likely cant now.)

 

[coolgal82]

i disagree but thanks lol (and im sorry you can relate this sucks like rn i am contemplating sh and feel fucking awful just cus there might not be vc tonight (other than the few hours that already happened) cus my bestie doesnt feel good which like i get it and i also wish she didnt feel bad but also being alone just hurts and also we were gonna discuss the problem guy today but like most likely cant now.)

ok no nvm there is vc we are so back im happy now actually i no longer wanna die :3 i love them sm