Venting I just want to get taken care of

[toxicjester]

This is all stupid bullshit rambling from a dumbass but I want to let it out somehow, I'll try to not have this be a recurring thing on places like this so I don't be annoying :(

I dunno, I'm tired and I feel like I try my best but that it's never enough for anyone

My gf keeps saying that she wishes her attempt didn't fail and that she can't stay out of guilt

I feel like I'm living for her but I'm not good enough for her to live for me, it's stupid and selfish but that's what it feels like

I just want to get taken care of but anytime I indulge even a little bad stuff happens

I can't even go downstairs to get food for just myself because bad stuff happens and I'm too scared to do that

Doing anything for just myself is scary and bad but then my gf gets upset because I need to take care of myself first before I can help her :(

I just want to have my mama and I'm feeling age regression stuff I guess and it's fucking g stupid but I just feel like a little seal stuck in a storm calling for mama but she can't help me :(

And I saw art of a seal passing and being an Angel and then its friends being confused and it made me bawl my eyes out

I just want mama

 

[emptinessdancing]

This is all stupid bullshit rambling from a dumbass but I want to let it out somehow, I'll try to not have this be a recurring thing on places like this so I don't be annoying :(

I dunno, I'm tired and I feel like I try my best but that it's never enough for anyone

My gf keeps saying that she wishes her attempt didn't fail and that she can't stay out of guilt

I feel like I'm living for her but I'm not good enough for her to live for me, it's stupid and selfish but that's what it feels like

I just want to get taken care of but anytime I indulge even a little bad stuff happens

I can't even go downstairs to get food for just myself because bad stuff happens and I'm too scared to do that

Doing anything for just myself is scary and bad but then my gf gets upset because I need to take care of myself first before I can help her :(

I just want to have my mama and I'm feeling age regression stuff I guess and it's fucking g stupid but I just feel like a little seal stuck in a storm calling for mama but she can't help me :(

And I saw art of a seal passing and being an Angel and then its friends being confused and it made me bawl my eyes out

I just want mama

Dang, to be honest with you... I don't know exactly what to say. Except. I have felt a lot of the same things as you are before. Even right now. Not in the same context, but the resulting feeling seems to be the same, nonetheless. Except I would never reach out to my mother LMAO, but I digress. A motherly figure would be nice sometimes after I have spent my entire life taking care of myself and then straight from that to taking care of everyone else. I know this is something that can be reversed. It takes maybe a lifetime of work, but it can be worked toward. Anyway, I don't know what I am trying to say other than, I see you. I hear you. You are not alone. I hope you are able to mother yourself in a whatever you needed most, should you find you have the capacity for that.

 

[toxicjester]

Dang, to be honest with you... I don't know exactly what to say. Except. I have felt a lot of the same things as you are before. Even right now. Not in the same context, but the resulting feeling seems to be the same, nonetheless. Except I would never reach out to my mother LMAO, but I digress. A motherly figure would be nice sometimes after I have spent my entire life taking care of myself and then straight from that to taking care of everyone else. I know this is something that can be reversed. It takes maybe a lifetime of work, but it can be worked toward. Anyway, I don't know what I am trying to say other than, I see you. I hear you. You are not alone. I hope you are able to mother yourself in a whatever you needed most, should you find you have the capacity for that.

I appreciate your words, sorry if my words are weird or anything

When I talk about "mama" it's more of an idea, never about my actual mom cause I know she's not motherly like that lol

I don't have the strength or the means to ctb and it'd especially be selfish considering my circumstances, so for now I'm just in agony and anxiety all the time, oh well

I do appreciate being seen nonetheless

 

[emptinessdancing]

I appreciate your words, sorry if my words are weird or anything

When I talk about "mama" it's more of an idea, never about my actual mom cause I know she's not motherly like that lol

I don't have the strength or the means to ctb and it'd especially be selfish considering my circumstances, so for now I'm just in agony and anxiety all the time, oh well

I do appreciate being seen nonetheless

I totally get the context of "mama".... I say it all the time. i do see you, and your words are your words-- and they matter, so they could never really be weird. Whoever needs to hear them, will. I will never be of the belief that ctb is selfish no matter the circumstances. I think its just one of those things that will 100% always be viewed as such from eyes that have never been in the position you are in. And good for them, you know? Hang in there. But stop saying "oh well". You can work with that.... best to you.

 

[casual_existence]

I think this is something that life beats into people. Nobody can save you. Helps to have people anyway. I sometimes wish somebody else would kill me but no one other than a psycho would kill me for no reason. I either have to create an enemy or go through with it myself.

 

[toxicjester]

I think this is something that life beats into people. Nobody can save you. Helps to have people anyway. I sometimes wish somebody else would kill me but no one other than a psycho would kill me for no reason. I either have to create an enemy or go through with it myself.

I know there's no one to save me but I just keep being selfish and wanting it and wanting things to be okay and like I didn't waste 23 fucking years being alive when I've been passively suicidal since p much elementary school :(

I'm too much of a pussy to do anything and anyways I don't have the means to except maybe in stupid ways like overdose