Venting I just want to run far, far away.

[Red Peony]

I grew up in a very academically rigorous household, so everything I did was focused on achieving ambitious career goals, achieving status, money, etc. Studying, getting prestigious internships, a high-earning job.... all these things are expected of me. Anything that will make my future some version of conventional success.

The truth is, I never really cared about my future at all because I wanted to ctb before that point in my life. I never imagined a future because I wanted my future to be death. Maybe there is some part of me that believes if I study harder, if I have amazing skills and ability, if I can find that job that everyone keeps going on about, I'll finally be able to love my life. Will this version future success really make me happy? I don't know.

I'm always so deeply envious of people with real passion. People that just love what they study and love dedicating their life to it because it makes them excited and happy to just live in the world. Sure I have hobbies that I love to, but realistically they will never be my future. My boyfriend is like that, studying the thing he loves most. He loves life so much it makes me feel something that I can't quite identify. Almost everyday is fantastic for him, and I love him so, so much, but I sometimes think my apathy for life is stronger than my love for him. My wish to just stop running in a world moving too fast for me is stronger than my wish to run and smile alongside him.

What could the future be if I just abandoned these random notions of success, I wonder? Is that even possible for the world we live in? I dream so often of going off to the countryside, breathing in the fresh air, and lying down in fields of grass. Maybe I could garden a little, take care of some pets and some plants, enjoy loving the simpler things in life. Sit together with the one I love the most and watch the sunset. Run far, far away from the ambitions and money and success and finally be able to breathe.

I just wonder if this fantasy of happiness is more potent than the promise of peace in death. There is a way to escape everything. There is a way to do that in life, but there is also a way to that in death. I hate that I can't be happy and content right now because compared to most people I have an amazing life, and I'm so insanely grateful. I so desperately want to love life again but the feeling of chasing it but never quite having it within my grasp for years and years makes me want to finally give up. Stop looking. And go to sleep.

I'm so tired. Let me rest.

 

[Jadeith]

Will this version future success really make me happy?

Since it seems like it was pushed on you rather than chosen by you - i don't think so. To be completely honest, somewhat i doubt that dying will make you happy too.

My wish to just stop running in a world moving too fast for me is stronger than my wish to run and smile alongside him.

It's not so "out of place" as you seem to portray it. More and more people do not want to take a part in corporate race and try to choose something slow paced instead. What it might be for you? I dunno? Don't know you. But it doesn't mean that only alternative for corpo rat race is death.

Maybe I could garden a little, take care of some pets and some plants, enjoy loving the simpler things in life

See? You already have a "target". Farm life is tough life but definitely not as fast paced as "office ladders"

I so desperately want to love life again

Maybe it's time to stop doing what you're told to and start doing and learning stuff you suspect that might make you happy? HINT: Dying most probably is not one of them.

I'm so tired. Let me rest.

Shhhhhhshhhhh....
Rest well.....
Take your time....

 

[Red Peony]

Since it seems like it was pushed on you rather than chosen by you - i don't think so. To be completely honest, somewhat i doubt that dying will make you happy too.

It's not so "out of place" as you seem to portray it. More and more people do not want to take a part in corporate race and try to choose something slow paced instead. What it might be for you? I dunno? Don't know you. But it doesn't mean that only alternative for corpo rat race is death.

See? You already have a "target". Farm life is tough life but definitely not as fast paced as "office ladders"

Maybe it's time to stop doing what you're told to and start doing and learning stuff you suspect that might make you happy? HINT: Dying most probably is not one of them.

Shhhhhhshhhhh....
Rest well.....
Take your time....

Thanks for replying. I think that I will try and find things that genuinely give me fulfilment, away from the expectations of what a successful life should look like. I want to be more empathetic, more loving, more kind.... the things that I think matter, you know? I want to believe that I can do things for the sake of enjoyment and not need numerous accolades to go with it, that I don't need to be the best and that's okay. I want to believe I can still be happy like that.

I don't think death will make me happy. I don't think it can really bring me anything except for the fact that I don't have to deal with life once I'm gone. Thank you; I will properly give myself a chance first to experience what life could be before I come to that decision. Think of it as a thorough evaluation, I guess.

I'm going to go rest now. Just a for a while. Tomorrow's sunrise could be so beautiful.

 

[Jadeith]

I want to be more empathetic, more loving, more kind.... the things that I think matter, you know?

I'm sure you will succeed. Most important thing is that you are actually willing to try.

I will properly give myself a chance first to experience what life could be before I come to that decision.

I'm going to go rest now. Just a for a while. Tomorrow's sunrise could be so beautiful.

Rest well. Wish you peace.