Story I just want to say something I had in my mind for some time.

[actual_fox]

I want to say that I really had no choice from my birth to where I am and to my death on what will happen to me and how it affects me. I really did not choose this and If I did I made a mistake and great harm to myself and soon my family or those who will be my ex-family.

All I was doing is doing my best to make them proud and redeem myself by trying to be successful and strong. My choices has led me here- which is pretty chill place ngl,
but I also see that It did not add up to anything. Maybe If I choose to suffer more, make even more costly mistakes that make me feel terrible, rough It out a bit longer. But seeing the pattern of my life- the rough week leads to rough month and year. I might be to young by judgment of some to say this- but this is what I see. I try to do things fucking right and after short break from life I come back with new energy for It to be extinguished with one sleepless night and attack of despair and exhaustion caused by things that normally people should not be exhausted by.

I know what I want, and I supposedly have free will but what is it good for If all of my choices are rendered through moral system not of my choosing? If I kill myself that would be a victory I would say- even If It is just result of cold calculation. Because every other choice is just not viable. Everything is just so hard especially the final option that It is way, way easier fall into delusion of some hope. Without hope prisoners would kill the guards, running into gunfire. Homeless would jump from bridges and people would stop voting or start voting by mail Ted style. It is much easier for me to pretend I can do something. It is hard to give up actually, throw away everything I love, or cannot love anymore actually - becasue mental illness has taken this away from me.

My head is really dark place. I can think of suicide, death, murder (I have no intention to harm anybody except myself- and this is once and for good) with no human emotions to It. Idk, I feel apathy- lack of empathy.

This sounds edgy but I look like Wikipedia page on 20-25yo male suicides.

 

[makethepainstop]

Hey bro, can we talk? What harm could there be in hanging out here a bit? Sometimes being able to share our troubles with others can reduce their weight upon us. If you wish to check out, no one here would argue your rights. Perhaps you might want to get to know some of us here, many feel just as you do. You can ctb anytime your ready, but making friends, might make things more bearable you. Much love and a firm three minute hug to you dude.

 

[actual_fox]

Hey bro, can we talk? What harm could there be in hanging out here a bit? Sometimes being able to share our troubles with others can reduce their weight upon us. If you wish to check out, no one here would argue your rights. Perhaps you might want to get to know some of us here, many feel just as you do. You can ctb anytime your ready, but making friends, might make things more bearable you. Much love and a firm three minute hug to you dude.

what is there to talk about? Will those few bearable moments make those completely unbearable moments worth It? I am leaving my family behind, I am sorry but do you think I will stay here for people on the internet?

I had account here 1000 messages, I knew this place. I have been here before.
It is ok. It will all be ok. It does not hurt what I am about to do. People hang themselves for pleasure- It is pleasure to loose yourself into oblivion. It is a thrill. I will die anyway. I wish I could live more beautifully instead of succumbing to expectations of others to perform all the time. Maybe that is one thing I regret. Maybe I will give life one more try, maybe I won't. It is all ok.

Death is just what happens. Nothing bad in it for the one who died. You guys are in big trouble. You still will have bodies and minds and all of those problems. And you will be bound by time. I won't. It will not touch me there. And once you all die you will join me.

 

[makethepainstop]

what is there to talk about? Will those few bearable moments make those completely unbearable moments worth It? I am leaving my family behind, I am sorry but do you think I will stay here for people on the internet?

I had account here 1000 messages, I knew this place. I have been here before.

Something is causing you pain, I know. I was hoping maybe you could see that you as all other humans do have a worth. You are not some trash to be discarded, you are quite human. As a human you are like most of us, in an unbearable scenario. So I was hoping that somehow you could be persuaded to share with us here just a bit longer. But only he who wishes to depart, knows the time the next bus will arrive.

 

[actual_fox]

Something is causing you pain, I know. I was hoping maybe you could see that you as all other humans do have a worth. You are not some trash to be discarded, you are quite human. As a human you are like most of us, in an unbearable scenario. So I was hoping that somehow you could be persuaded to share with us here just a bit longer. But only he who wishes to depart, knows the time the next bus will arrive

I am not speaking from position of inferiority. Quite contrary I think I deserve rest, I think my shift ends- I think I tried my best and continuing is a bit too painful. Or will be painful. I will be here for couple more days/weeks. It is just that I slowly start to come in terms with death.

I never said I am trash. Even tho I feel this about my body I think It is trash.

 

[SamTam33]

We talk about SI here a lot but something in your post made me think of the other things we're programmed to believe and how we have to overcome them AND SI in order to ctb.

Did we try hard enough? Did we identify all the clouds with silver linings. Did we look under every single rock and open every single door? How long did we walk the tunnel looking for the light?

Did we talk to everrrrry single person we could've possibly talked to about our struggles? Family, friends, therapists, psychiatrists, professors, the mailman?

So you filled out 225 job applications and didn't get hired. What if you filled out 250? Hmmm. Did you try that?

Did you try taking any medications? What about exercising and adopting a hobby?

The list of what you're supposed to try before dying is infinite.

And in our quest to fight SI, more than a few of us are also struggling with that impossible fucking list and wondering when it's ok to stop crossing things off and abandon it altogether.

 

[actual_fox]

Something is causing you pain, I know. I was hoping maybe you could see that you as all other humans do have a worth. You are not some trash to be discarded, you are quite human. As a human you are like most of us, in an unbearable scenario. So I was hoping that somehow you could be persuaded to share with us here just a bit longer. But only he who wishes to depart, knows the time the next bus will arrive.

Hey man I will try getting blood work done tomorrow and I have new supplements coming to boost my dopamine. Maybe I have problems with thyroid or something. I will give It a try Ok? Thank you for expressing concern, I am sorry If I sounded insensitive

We talk about SI here a lot but something in your post made me think of the other things we're programmed to believe and how we have to overcome them AND SI in order to ctb.

Did we try hard enough? Did we identify all the clouds with silver linings. Did we look under every single rock and open every single door? How long did we walk the tunnel looking for the light?

Did we talk to everrrrry single person we could've possibly talked to about our struggles? Family, friends, therapists, psychiatrists, professors, the mailman?

So you filled out 225 job applications and didn't get hired. What if you filled out 250? Hmmm. Did you try that?

Did you try taking any medications? What about exercising and adopting a hobby?

The list of what you're supposed to try before dying is infinite.

And in our quest to fight SI, more than a few of us are also struggling with that impossible fucking list and wondering when it's ok to stop crossing things off and abandon it altogether.

That is true also, but when you are ill the ability to try things is limited. I could not pick new hobbies or exercise now. I am mentally ill that is the truth. Or maybe stressed to much

 

[locked*n*loaded]

It's all about the unknown. No one knows whether something comes next or nothing comes next. What keeps us here (in this place) is this is the devil we know.

 

[BipolarExpress]

We talk about SI here a lot but something in your post made me think of the other things we're programmed to believe and how we have to overcome them AND SI in order to ctb.

Did we try hard enough? Did we identify all the clouds with silver linings. Did we look under every single rock and open every single door? How long did we walk the tunnel looking for the light?

Did we talk to everrrrry single person we could've possibly talked to about our struggles? Family, friends, therapists, psychiatrists, professors, the mailman?

So you filled out 225 job applications and didn't get hired. What if you filled out 250? Hmmm. Did you try that?

Did you try taking any medications? What about exercising and adopting a hobby?

The list of what you're supposed to try before dying is infinite.

And in our quest to fight SI, more than a few of us are also struggling with that impossible fucking list and wondering when it's ok to stop crossing things off and abandon it altogether.

Why haven't you tried yoga? Have you considered keeping a gratitude journal? Pilates might work, too! Oh, wait—did you know that drinking kombucha cures depression? Go on a wellness retreat that costs $1,000 USD a day! (And we don't mean the psych hospital, either!) Take ginkgo biloba, dong quai, and St. John's Wort. That should fix you up, shouldn't it? Tried ten different psych meds? Why not try an eleventh! Why not try Zumba, Crossfit, or Peloton? Have you considered losing weight? You'll feel great after you've shed those pounds. No pain, no gain! You don't know what you're missing if you haven't tried the paleo, keto, or clean-eating diets! Try our colonic irrigation system. Feeling depressed? Why not talk to our seasoned counsellors, all of whom will spout platitudes like "It gets better!" and "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem," as though late-stage capitalism, racial oppression, refractory depression, crippling anxiety, systemic bigotry, and a cost-of-living crisis are merely temporary inconveniences.

But wait, there's more! If you act now, you'll live a happy life if you just call 1-800-SUI-CIDE. That's 1-800-SUI-CIDE. Talk to our delightful representatives. If you tell them you're planning on shuffling off this mortal coil, you'll get a no-expenses-paid trip to a luxury off-the-grid location: your local psychiatric hospital. Surrender your phone, laptop, and human dignity, and maybe we'll find a way to keep you alive.