I keep coming back to this - I could just go either way

[broken_stoic]

Given my situation, I should expect that my baseline is depressed even when I don't feel actively depressed. If things are to get significantly better that will take time. But the problem is, as I start to recover a bit, I always end up in the same place: I could go either way. It's not that I actively feel completely hopeless or just want to lay down and die. I just feel like there isn't anything more I want, and I'm ok with things ending or continuing . . . with a notable bias towards things ending. Given time I hope this changes, but I'm starting to wonder if it will.