Help I keep having doubts about ctb, but I can't imagine attempting recovery again

[Wolf Girl]

The anhedonia and cognitive dulling from my illnesses has left me unable to find pleasure in anything. Please tell me how I can face the concept of delaying ctb and recovery while unable to experience joy. I don't know how to get through the weekends that stretch on forever.

 

[escape_from_hell]

I have severe anhedonia too.

How to face the concept...
Resorted to drugs. Kratom is pretty much the only thing that works, so I'm guessing any opioid will do the trick.
It is the only way to work up any motivation at all to plan for CTB. However, as it removes 'the evil' as I call my base state of reality, it also distracts you with wanting to take advantage of the very very narrow window of time to relax, fantasize about a better future etc. So it still takes immense willpower to plan. Depends on your CTB plans, in my case the hard part is getting everything ready in terms of arrangements to make it easy for family like will, no mess or worry, cremation prepaid etc.

If you goal is delay, drugs can waste time. I cannot in good conscience recommend them of course.

I'm envious of others with "anhedonia" that are flat or totally unable to feel anything. Because I definitely feel intense sorrow, misery, extreme chronic body pain related to my feeling like scum at all times etc.
In fact attempting to do fun things like travel, eating nice food, going out and even masturbating all just bring about intense agony for a seemingly nonexistent and fleeting moment of minor pleasure, without any sense of relief. Cause is grief at loss of irreplaceable relationship.

 

[Grimpoteuthis]

weekends that stretch on forever.

Ah nothing better can describe how I am feeling at the moment. I used to love a relaxing weekend, but now I am scared of the void. I don't have any good advice other than looking for distractions to kill time even if you are not enjoying it. Having an activity to do is a bit more tolerable than absolutely nothing. I also find doing multiple things at the same time helps, as focusing on just one thing leaves me incredibly bored while multi-tasking can stretch out the time required to complete all tasks a bit longer.

 

[-Link-]

Anhedonia alleviates naturally as you treat the underlying cause.

But it's challenging to target anhedonia as a specific symptom because there's no treatment for it other than, "Just do it."

The term for this approach is "behavioural activation" -- the concept being that even if you don't feel like doing something, if you do it anyway, you'll experience some positive emotion out of it.

Think about what hobbies you've enjoyed in the past. Pick one of those, and then start doing whatever that is. The biggest step is obviously just getting started. The next thing you want to do is keep at it long enough that you're giving your brain a chance to break through the barrier of anhedonia. Probably at least a half-hour. If you're not feeling anything after a half-hour, probably best to try something else.

If not a past hobby, then think about new ones going forward. Think about what you might get interested in if it wasn't for the cloud of anhedonia holding you down.

This is very, very challenging... Be patient with yourself, and give yourself lots of credit for anything you're able to accomplish through this approach.