i keep thinking about my childhood…

[uncat_]

i keep thinking about my childhood… and i just get so sad. about where i am now, about my trauma back then, but still wishing i was still that little girl. i want to be carefree like that again, thinking about an adult and teen life that is anything but realistic. romanticizing what my life will be like, while being in the best years of my life already. How could i anticipate all of this? i feel like a broken fucking human being, i can barely do anything. i give up every day, but still have to keep going for the people in my life.

But even as a little girl i felt this way, i really dont think ive changed from that little girl at all. i act like a child still, i function like one. i cant do shit. and all those voices of my shitty teachers and shitty parents still ring in my ears and it kills me.

what made me chink i could go to college? what made me think i could change for fucking once? i haven't changed since i was born. and i have to live with this person for the rest of my life?? god i wish i was born a different fucking person, a normal person.

but i can't die. because people love me or something. because im a pussy, honestly. i could do it if i really wanted to. GOD I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY AND FUNCTION PROPERLY.

i need to be fucking hospitalized but i cant be because i have tests soon, and i cant fail this quarter. or i really will killmyself, or at least live with the consequences of failure.

i need to die
im so exhausted of this live

its not just me, its though. its ugly, but couldve been so much more. we couldve been better as a species, and preserve the beauty of this world. maybe be actually be kind and stop thinking about money. i dont want to live in a world like this.

sorry for sounding like a crazy person

 

[canthaveanicelife]

we couldve been better as a species, and preserve the beauty of this world. maybe be actually be kind and stop thinking about money. i dont want to live in a world like this.

If only the world was like this. Most people often first meet alienation during a transition period from childhood to adolescence, for some, adolescence to adulthood. Instead of becoming the idealized heroes/heroines of the children's books we read, we realize we were the nameless background characters that were to only exist if the author decided we do matter to the story. But in adulthood, the one in control isn't an author—it's no one. No longer are we valued by an inherent "worth" that a protagonist of a children's show would see in background characters like us, instead, we are valued for our productivity, our "part of the whole". Fuck, we're not even treated with the dignity that comes with being a background character—at least they, at the hands of their author, are narrated with empathy, or at least some attempt at a giving of importance. No, in this "real" money-obsessed fucking world, being an unwanted, unimportant & replacable cog in the machine isn't a byproduct of the system, it's a feature and we should all just fucking accept it.

 

[uncat_]

in this "real" money-obsessed fucking world, being an unwanted, unimportant & replacable cog in the machine isn't a byproduct of the system, it's a feature and we should all just fucking accept it.

thats perfectly worded. its insane how long we've perpetuated this system. its as if people arent even people, just numbers and labor. even the "elites" get the same treatment (although with better lives), they turn themselves into money hoarding robots. its all a power struggle of wealth, and we've all lost our humanity through it.

 

[TANETS]

I swear nothing triggers me more than thinking about younger me. I wish summer 2011 lasted a lifetime, at least for me. I miss being gullible, young, I miss being oblivious to the trauma I was experiencing that would later ruin me today. I miss when I didn't understand bad news.

 

[passer-by]

I swear nothing triggers me more than thinking about younger me. I wish summer 2011 lasted a lifetime, at least for me. I miss being gullible, young, I miss being oblivious to the trauma I was experiencing that would later ruin me today. I miss when I didn't understand bad news.

Same. It is quite peculiar to me how on one hand I do miss the blissful ignorance of my youth, yet if I was given a do-over, I'm not sure I'd choose differently. There's a virtue in knowing truth, even if it fucks us up. In a way I don't regret being led where I was. This human experience wouldn't be complete without it. But yeah the primitive part of my brain still desperately clings to old ways of seeing the world. As the saying goes: Truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.
I'm waiting for that freedom now, which I guess can be interpreted in many ways. Even as catching the bus.

 

[TragedyBornCrimson]

i keep thinking about my childhood… and i just get so sad. about where i am now, about my trauma back then, but still wishing i was still that little girl. i want to be carefree like that again, thinking about an adult and teen life that is anything but realistic. romanticizing what my life will be like, while being in the best years of my life already. How could i anticipate all of this? i feel like a broken fucking human being, i can barely do anything. i give up every day, but still have to keep going for the people in my life.

But even as a little girl i felt this way, i really dont think ive changed from that little girl at all. i act like a child still, i function like one. i cant do shit. and all those voices of my shitty teachers and shitty parents still ring in my ears and it kills me.

what made me chink i could go to college? what made me think i could change for fucking once? i haven't changed since i was born. and i have to live with this person for the rest of my life?? god i wish i was born a different fucking person, a normal person.

but i can't die. because people love me or something. because im a pussy, honestly. i could do it if i really wanted to. GOD I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY AND FUNCTION PROPERLY.

i need to be fucking hospitalized but i cant be because i have tests soon, and i cant fail this quarter. or i really will killmyself, or at least live with the consequences of failure.

i need to die
im so exhausted of this live

its not just me, its though. its ugly, but couldve been so much more. we couldve been better as a species, and preserve the beauty of this world. maybe be actually be kind and stop thinking about money. i dont want to live in a world like this.

sorry for sounding like a crazy person

Your not alone in you college issues. As a kid I used to always be at the top of my class but starting junior year of highschool I have slowly lost motivation. In college I don't struggle with the content, I struggle with complete apathy. I just don't care enough anymore. I am probably going to take myself out before exams start

 

[glad it’s night]

Childhood was the best years of my life so far, too. Although if I really think about it, I was depressed back then too. My memory whitewashes it to perfection. It wasn't perfect at all, but definitely better than now. More happiness and carefree days, but still plenty of longing—like something is always missing, no matter how good circumstances are. I do miss it tho.

 

[uncat_]

Childhood was the best years of my life so far, too. Although if I really think about it, I was depressed back then too. My memory whitewashes it to perfection. It wasn't perfect at all, but definitely better than now. More happiness and carefree days, but still plenty of longing—like something is always missing, no matter how good circumstances are. I do miss it tho.

yeah.. definitely same. most of my problems stem from things engrained into me in childhood. i started thinking about suicide at the age of 10, even. but i miss my happy, gullible memories

Your not alone in you college issues. As a kid I used to always be at the top of my class but starting junior year of highschool I have slowly lost motivation. In college I don't struggle with the content, I struggle with complete apathy. I just don't care enough anymore. I am probably going to take myself out before exams start

yeah man, the fact that i know i could be doing better if i just tried harder really gets me. i know im not stupid, i just cant handle the stress and apathy. everywhere i look it seems like theres more reason to stop caring.

love your boondocks pfp by the way! :]

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I sometimes think about childhood but I don't find myself romanticizing it. I feel like a lot of people tend to become so blinded by their nostalgia that causes them to yearn for something that wasn't necessarily nearly as good as they imagined it to be. Childhood is kind of whatever to me. Hell, I already found myself wanting to die back then too. I honestly prefer my teenage years over it.

Childhood was when I had the displeasure of meeting my then-stepmother and having to watch her trash my dad's apartment and abuse him. It was just constant drama. I'm much more respected as an adult than I ever was as a child, probably because society likes to dehumanize children and view them as beneath others. You aren't seen as human until adulthood and even then, many will still view themselves as above you. I personally find both my teenage years and adulthood to be much more preferable in comparison to my childhood (though, I wouldn't say that my childhood was particularly bad).

 

[TragedyBornCrimson]

5th through 6th grade was the happiest time of my life.