lizardsoup
you’re coming back a duck or an ape
- Jan 30, 2020
- 16
I don't post here often, I'm not actively suicidal at the moment but I feel like suicidal thoughts are coming back. I recently quit my job and my only motivation is my bf, I absolutely love him but it's hard for me to talk about suicide to him, even though he completely understands everything. I've told him about my choice of the SN method, if I was going to ctb, and that I don't have a ""plan"", I know what I have to do.
We recently talked about it and he recommended i should go to my doctor and ask for a medication change, or possibly inpatient, however my experience with psych wards was really bad and made me worse. My stay was relatively short, and they suspected me of bipolar, mostly because my mom has it, i kind of brushed it off at first but over the past year ive noticed that maybe they were right. I wasnt there long enough to be diagnosed but upon mentioning it to one of my doctors, she told me that it's hard to diagnose, and since then i've kinda given up with getting help to avoid being an attention whore.
I might schedule an appointment with my GP soon because thats all I really have, I'm not in therapy anymore because it was too much of a weight on my life and like one week i felt the best in my life and ended my therapy and the next week i wanted to kill myself.
I know i have to get better because suicide isnt really an option for me, i cant do that to my boyfriend and some of my family,, I would hate for the last feelings I leave people with is guilt and sadness, i want to be there for my bf, my dog, and mom (even though she hasnt been the best role model or person, shes told me im one of her only reasons to live and i couldnt deal with the guilt).
This post kind of devolved into me just kind of venting but its ok
We recently talked about it and he recommended i should go to my doctor and ask for a medication change, or possibly inpatient, however my experience with psych wards was really bad and made me worse. My stay was relatively short, and they suspected me of bipolar, mostly because my mom has it, i kind of brushed it off at first but over the past year ive noticed that maybe they were right. I wasnt there long enough to be diagnosed but upon mentioning it to one of my doctors, she told me that it's hard to diagnose, and since then i've kinda given up with getting help to avoid being an attention whore.
I might schedule an appointment with my GP soon because thats all I really have, I'm not in therapy anymore because it was too much of a weight on my life and like one week i felt the best in my life and ended my therapy and the next week i wanted to kill myself.
I know i have to get better because suicide isnt really an option for me, i cant do that to my boyfriend and some of my family,, I would hate for the last feelings I leave people with is guilt and sadness, i want to be there for my bf, my dog, and mom (even though she hasnt been the best role model or person, shes told me im one of her only reasons to live and i couldnt deal with the guilt).
This post kind of devolved into me just kind of venting but its ok
