I lost my best friend today

[CallmeWill4719]

His name was Cas. I very much doubt that he went back on here I know he deleted his account but so did I and yet here I am. Maybe I'm wrong maybe he will reach out to me, maybe he'll be in a coma from a failed attempt, or some other possible thing that happens to him. Frankly I'd be pretty surprised if he actually didn't go through with it, he told me and another good friend of mine that we should forget about him and pretend like we never met him and move on with our lives and we're better off and all that typical stuff.

He meant everything to me. Despite what he constantly said, he was not the horrible person that he said he was and it is flat out unfair that he felt the need to do this. I hope he is at peace with his decision and I wish I could have done more but my other friend tells me that there's not much we could have done when somebody gets like that. All three of us understand about suicide ideation so it's no stranger sadly.

The sad part is is he was an online friend so if he even gets a funeral, I can't even attend it. I don't really know where he lived other than Southern India. We've been talking for a few months and we just got so close and for better or worse we understood everything about each other. To say that I'm heartbroken is an understatement. I loved him. He deserved so much better and I hope he is at peace and he's not suffering anymore. I will always be so grateful that I got to spend just a few months of his life with him.

Me and my friend are hanging in there but it's going to be rough. I had two good people in my life and now I only have one. Friends are very hard to come by so even then I don't know if I could open myself up again like that. I actually met these two friends on here and I'm so grateful for this website despite the fact that it shouldn't exist because the world should be more fair. People deserve so much better.

Thank you again for anyone who sees this. Cas rest in peace man You were loved and you still are You are a badass fighter and if you really are gone at 21, You're no longer suffering. Thank you so much for spending your final days with me he was my sweetheart because as bitter as he could be, he was a good person.

He deleted the main program that we talked on, but I have gaming accounts with him so I'll reach out I'll update anybody here if they want to know if he's still around.

 

[CallmeWill4719]

I made this post because I already struggle with my own mental b******* and this is not going to be helping me. I hope he is at peace I really do but goddamn it barely helps. Anybody who reads this I just feel like they have some glimpse of who he was and he deserves that.

 

[FuneralCry]

Rest in peace.

 

[GoSan1]

His name was Cas. I very much doubt that he went back on here I know he deleted his account but so did I and yet here I am. Maybe I'm wrong maybe he will reach out to me, maybe he'll be in a coma from a failed attempt, or some other possible thing that happens to him. Frankly I'd be pretty surprised if he actually didn't go through with it, he told me and another good friend of mine that we should forget about him and pretend like we never met him and move on with our lives and we're better off and all that typical stuff.

He meant everything to me. Despite what he constantly said, he was not the horrible person that he said he was and it is flat out unfair that he felt the need to do this. I hope he is at peace with his decision and I wish I could have done more but my other friend tells me that there's not much we could have done when somebody gets like that. All three of us understand about suicide ideation so it's no stranger sadly.

The sad part is is he was an online friend so if he even gets a funeral, I can't even attend it. I don't really know where he lived other than Southern India. We've been talking for a few months and we just got so close and for better or worse we understood everything about each other. To say that I'm heartbroken is an understatement. I loved him. He deserved so much better and I hope he is at peace and he's not suffering anymore. I will always be so grateful that I got to spend just a few months of his life with him.

Me and my friend are hanging in there but it's going to be rough. I had two good people in my life and now I only have one. Friends are very hard to come by so even then I don't know if I could open myself up again like that. I actually met these two friends on here and I'm so grateful for this website despite the fact that it shouldn't exist because the world should be more fair. People deserve so much better.

Thank you again for anyone who sees this. Cas rest in peace man You were loved and you still are You are a badass fighter and if you really are gone at 21, You're no longer suffering. Thank you so much for spending your final days with me he was my sweetheart because as bitter as he could be, he was a good person.

He deleted the main program that we talked on, but I have gaming accounts with him so I'll reach out I'll update anybody here if they want to know if he's still around.

It is rare to find a good friend nowadays, and its nice to keep them in memory once they are gone. Wherever they are, I'm sure they would be happy knowing you cared for them so much...

I made this post because I already struggle with my own mental b******* and this is not going to be helping me. I hope he is at peace I really do but goddamn it barely helps. Anybody who reads this I just feel like they have some glimpse of who he was and he deserves that.

Its ok to share your stories, that is what this forum is all about after all!

 

[CallmeWill4719]

Rest in peace.

I say this every hour or try to. What he did was so shitty and terrible to me. My only comfort is he is peacefully sleeping now. To just abandon everything we had so half assed. Whatever logic he used will never make sense to me. Sorry to rant. I loved you Cas.

It is rare to find a good friend nowadays, and its nice to keep them in memory once they are gone. Wherever they are, I'm sure they would be happy knowing you cared for them so much...



Its ok to share your stories, that is what this forum is all about after all!

I hope I made his last 2 months peaceful and happy. He warned me he would do this I just didn't really believe it. He warned me that he did this to somebody else as well more or less anyway. He had problems I know that I just thought I could do better to help him. It's going to hurt for a long time.

It is rare to find a good friend nowadays, and its nice to keep them in memory once they are gone. Wherever they are, I'm sure they would be happy knowing you cared for them so much...



Its ok to share your stories, that is what this forum is all about after all!

I hope I made his last 2 months peaceful and happy. He warned me he would do this I just didn't really believe it. He warned me that he did this to somebody else as well more or less anyway. He had problems I know that I just thought I could do better to help him. It's going to hurt for a long time.

 

[GoSan1]

I say this every hour or try to. What he did was so shitty and terrible to me. My only comfort is he is peacefully sleeping now. To just abandon everything we had so half assed. Whatever logic he used will never make sense to me. Sorry to rant. I loved you Cas.

I hope I made his last 2 months peaceful and happy. He warned me he would do this I just didn't really believe it. He warned me that he did this to somebody else as well more or less anyway. He had problems I know that I just thought I could do better to help him. It's going to hurt for a long time.

I hope I made his last 2 months peaceful and happy. He warned me he would do this I just didn't really believe it. He warned me that he did this to somebody else as well more or less anyway. He had problems I know that I just thought I could do better to help him. It's going to hurt for a long time.

You should not blame yourself, I am sure he knew what he was doing and for him, there was no other way. So you being there was already enough, and you told him that you are there for him right? There is only a specific amount we can do without being allowed / it being wanted... Heads up, and I hope you as well as he find peace in all this...

 

[CallmeWill4719]

You should not blame yourself, I am sure he knew what he was doing and for him, there was no other way. So you being there was already enough, and you told him that you are there for him right? There is only a specific amount we can do without being allowed / it being wanted... Heads up, and I hope you as well as he find peace in all this...

That's what makes me so stupid. He warned me he was going to do this and I just wanted to move on and keep enjoying his company, even online. Soul crushing loneliness is awful. He warned me he can be toxic but I never thought he would end things like that so low effort. Long paragraph I can't look at right now but basically, forget about me and keep going on without me, you both are better off. I will never see his logic in that. Never felt grief. It's literally everything and feeling numb. Awful. He wanted to find another friend for me so badly and now I get why. It was so toxic but in his mind, he was "helping" me. Gonna be rough for a very long time. Thank you all for reading this and being so kind to me.

I always told him I would be here for him and despite what I said about him, he lied to me saying he would be here forever. We were so close. Despite the distance between us, he was everything to me. This whole post is just a small sample of how I felt about him. People like us on here are long broken before any of us ever talk to each other but that doesn't really comfort me. Life is just so unfair and I'll try to meet some online friends and he would have wanted that but it's going to be so difficult. I can't do that again I can't get close anymore.

 

[GoSan1]

That's what makes me so stupid. He warned me he was going to do this and I just wanted to move on and keep enjoying his company, even online. Soul crushing loneliness is awful. He warned me he can be toxic but I never thought he would end things like that so low effort. Long paragraph I can't look at right now but basically, forget about me and keep going on without me, you both are better off. I will never see his logic in that. Never felt grief. It's literally everything and feeling numb. Awful. He wanted to find another friend for me so badly and now I get why. It was so toxic but in his mind, he was "helping" me. Gonna be rough for a very long time. Thank you all for reading this and being so kind to me.

I always told him I would be here for him and despite what I said about him, he lied to me saying he would be here forever. We were so close. Despite the distance between us, he was everything to me. This whole post is just a small sample of how I felt about him. People like us on here are long broken before any of us ever talk to each other but that doesn't really comfort me. Life is just so unfair and I'll try to meet some online friends and he would have wanted that but it's going to be so difficult. I can't do that again I can't get close anymore.

Its a rough situation you are in, but I'm sure he wouldn't want you to be sad over him. Neither would I want that in my case, so just be glad he found his peace.

And I am sure he is still by your side, keeping his promise, just that you arent able to see him...

 

[CallmeWill4719]

Its a rough situation you are in, but I'm sure he wouldn't want you to be sad over him. Neither would I want that in my case, so just be glad he found his peace.

And I am sure he is still by your side, keeping his promise, just that you arent able to see him...

Thank you. I'm working on collecting our little momentos and stuff together to make some kind of shrine. Just something I can have to honor him. He was a good person but he had issues. Put simply. I'll always remember him. It's just a long process.

 

[GoSan1]

Thank you. I'm working on collecting our little momentos and stuff together to make some kind of shrine. Just something I can have to honor him. He was a good person but he had issues. Put simply. I'll always remember him. It's just a long process.

That new profile pic is sooo cute!

 

[DeathFool]

Please don't blame yourself and I'm 200% sure he definitely not going to blame you for his own decision. As a suicidal person myself I'm not going to blame anyone especially my friends and family for my own decision to do CTB. Instead of blaming yourself keep his memory alive with you.

 

[CallmeWill4719]

Please don't blame yourself and I'm 200% sure he definitely not going to blame you for his own decision. As a suicidal person myself I'm not going to blame anyone especially my friends and family for my own decision to do CTB. Instead of blaming yourself keep his memory alive with you.

I do understand what website this is and I know this might sound well I don't know how it sounds but I have struggled with depression and suicide ideation for so so long so I understand completely. I just never thought I would ever be on the receiving end of it. I don't know if I can give anybody this kind of pain it sucks so bad. All these different emotions that I'm feeling I just keep bouncing back and forth on which one I should be feeling. I blame myself But I know he was long broken long before I met him. I thought I could change that I thought I could undo at least some of that damage that was done to him.

I gave him two good months with a friend and delayed it for as long as I could. The fact that I don't even really know that he's even dead is what worries me I'd like to have some kind of closure if I can. Maybe he'll reach out someday but even if he did I don't know if I could allow him back in my life. Not after this. I know he wouldn't want this but yeah I'd like to try to locate him but I'll see what I can do. The fact that the warning signs were all over the place and yet I chose to ignore them says so much about me so anyway I'll try to stop ranting to y'all

That new profile pic is sooo cute!

Thank you. He often did refer to me as his pandabear. Thought it was fitting

 

[DeathFool]

I do understand what website this is and I know this might sound well I don't know how it sounds but I have struggled with depression and suicide ideation for so so long so I understand completely. I just never thought I would ever be on the receiving end of it. I don't know if I can give anybody this kind of pain it sucks so bad. All these different emotions that I'm feeling I just keep bouncing back and forth on which one I should be feeling. I blame myself But I know he was long broken long before I met him. I thought I could change that I thought I could undo at least some of that damage that was done to him.

I gave him two good months with a friend and delayed it for as long as I could. The fact that I don't even really know that he's even dead is what worries me I'd like to have some kind of closure if I can. Maybe he'll reach out someday but even if he did I don't know if I could allow him back in my life. Not after this. I know he wouldn't want this but yeah I'd like to try to locate him but I'll see what I can do. The fact that the warning signs were all over the place and yet I chose to ignore them says so much about me so anyway I'll try to stop ranting to y'all

As a friend you tried hard to save him. I'm sure he definitely appreciated that and he shared everything to you that means he trusted you wholeheartedly. Btw you can search his name on local news (if he did CTB) if you know his real name or which city he lives.

And don't stop ranting. We're going to listen to you

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm so sorry or your loss!

We're here for you!

I hope your friend found peace

 

[CallmeWill4719]

As a friend you tried hard to save him. I'm sure he definitely appreciated that and he shared everything to you that means he trusted you wholeheartedly. Btw you can search his name on local news (if he did CTB) if you know his real name or which city he lives.

And don't stop ranting. We're going to listen to you

this is what his final words to me were: my name- this is goodbye buddy, i thank you with all my heart and soul for everything you've/and have been willing to do for me but i cannot afford to continue to cause you or myself anymore pain than i already have. i hope you find the strength to keep going, with or without me - you've still got ********, your sister, perhaps even someone really special and completely worthy of your love and affection waiting out there to find your beautiful self so i really hope you don't let me get you down any more than you have to. Delete me from life and memory, permanently if you can - give yourself that chance you know and deserve, better than most. love you.

I still can't look at this without crying and being so angry with him. I know I sound like a massive hypocrite but he was not in his right mind nobody is when they do this. just thought I would share this. I'll never forget him despite wanting to so bad. I will try my best to find him despite knowing he would hate me for doing that. I have limited information about him. I don't even know if he even went through with it. I would love to update you all if I hear back from him. I shouldn't allow him in my life ever again but I still care.

I'm so sorry or your loss!

We're here for you!

I hope your friend found peace

ya'lls kindness I can barely put into words how I feel when I get like this.
I am recognizing that it's not healthy to be looking at someone's final words. I just tried to find some kind of connection some kind of logic in his final moments with me. I feel all sorts of things sadness anger depression happiness that he believed in me. I don't know. It's just rough

 

[DeathFool]

this is what his final words to me were: my name- this is goodbye buddy, i thank you with all my heart and soul for everything you've/and have been willing to do for me but i cannot afford to continue to cause you or myself anymore pain than i already have. i hope you find the strength to keep going, with or without me - you've still got ********, your sister, perhaps even someone really special and completely worthy of your love and affection waiting out there to find your beautiful self so i really hope you don't let me get you down any more than you have to. Delete me from life and memory, permanently if you can - give yourself that chance you know and deserve, better than most. love you.

I still can't look at this without crying and being so angry with him. I know I sound like a massive hypocrite but he was not in his right mind nobody is when they do this. just thought I would share this. I'll never forget him despite wanting to so bad. I will try my best to find him despite knowing he would hate me for doing that. I have limited information about him. I don't even know if he even went through with it. I would love to update you all if I hear back from him. I shouldn't allow him in my life ever again but I still care.

ya'lls kindness I can barely put into words how I feel when I get like this.
I am recognizing that it's not healthy to be looking at someone's final words. I just tried to find some kind of connection some kind of logic in his final moments with me. I feel all sorts of things sadness anger depression happiness that he believed in me. I don't know. It's just rough

this is what his final words to me were: my name- this is goodbye buddy, i thank you with all my heart and soul for everything you've/and have been willing to do for me but i cannot afford to continue to cause you or myself anymore pain than i already have. i hope you find the strength to keep going, with or without me - you've still got ********, your sister, perhaps even someone really special and completely worthy of your love and affection waiting out there to find your beautiful self so i really hope you don't let me get you down any more than you have to. Delete me from life and memory, permanently if you can - give yourself that chance you know and deserve, better than most. love you.

I still can't look at this without crying and being so angry with him. I know I sound like a massive hypocrite but he was not in his right mind nobody is when they do this. just thought I would share this. I'll never forget him despite wanting to so bad. I will try my best to find him despite knowing he would hate me for doing that. I have limited information about him. I don't even know if he even went through with it. I would love to update you all if I hear back from him. I shouldn't allow him in my life ever again but I still care.

ya'lls kindness I can barely put into words how I feel when I get like this.
I am recognizing that it's not healthy to be looking at someone's final words. I just tried to find some kind of connection some kind of logic in his final moments with me. I feel all sorts of things sadness anger depression happiness that he believed in me. I don't know. It's just rough

I can understand your pain and anger. Let your anger out here. But let's hope (if he did it) his final moment was peaceful.

After reading this I'm thinking about make everyone hate me so they don't care about my death. I have to start my plan today. I don't have much time anyway.

 

[CallmeWill4719]

I can understand your pain and anger. Let your anger out here. But let's hope (if he did it) his final moment was peaceful.

After reading this I'm thinking about make everyone hate me so they don't care about my death. I have to start my plan today. I don't have much time anyway.

I try not to think about what his possible death is like I literally know nothing. I grieve for your feelings I do. Making people hate you I don't know but that doesn't sound like a good idea but I'm here if you need me. I'm not probably the best person to get advice from but still I'm here. That's what I do That's what I'm good at apparently

 

[DeathFool]

I try not to think about what his possible death is like I literally know nothing. I grieve for your feelings I do. Making people hate you I don't know but that doesn't sound like a good idea but I'm here if you need me. I'm not probably the best person to get advice from but still I'm here. That's what I do That's what I'm good at apparently

You're a great person. Even now you try to help a stranger. I already made my mind. I don't want make you again sad cause you can't save me.

 

[CallmeWill4719]

You're a great person. Even now you try to help a stranger. I already made my mind. I don't want make you again sad cause you can't save me.

Thank you. Whoever you are I hope you are at peace with your decision. I know I can't save everybody I just feel like everybody deserves a chance you know? I'm here if you change your mind. Thank you again for all your kind words I'm going to talk to my other friend right now about my loss so if I don't respond that is why. Not yet anyway.

 

[DeathFool]

Thank you. Whoever you are I hope you are at peace with your decision. I know I can't save everybody I just feel like everybody deserves a chance you know? I'm here if you change your mind. Thank you again for all your kind words I'm going to talk to my other friend right now about my loss so if I don't respond that is why. Not yet anyway.

I will message you if I change my mind. Please talk to more people about your loss if you can. Also I suggest you go to r/SuicideBereavement

 

[CallmeWill4719]

I will message you if I change my mind. Please talk to more people about your loss if you can. Also I suggest you go to r/SuicideBereavement

Thank you for that. Thought I would update this post if anyone sees it but a mutual friend on steam told me this person he's still alive. I don't know how long but if they get back to me great if not you know whatever. Either way he lost his battle to his demons and thought I was better off without him so I'm just going to slowly try to move on. Try not to be too self-destructive I guess.

Thinking about this post nothing really has changed either way he's gone but yeah that was some degree of comfort I guess.

 

[waistcoat]

Rest in peace, Cas. I hope your bus ride was peaceful.